To My Sweet William...

William,
My sweet baby boy…I miss you so much. I know now that I always will, that no amount of time will make the fact that you are gone easier.

Today is the day, one year ago, that you were born…too soon, but we had to accept that you were coming and somehow find the strength to say hello and goodbye to you in the same breath. Your birth was joyful, despite the extreme and utterly painful sadness of it all. Daddy and I love you with more love than our hearts could ever hold. You are our beautiful and precious son, and we treasure the short time that we had to be with you—both before and after you were born.

In the days leading up to today I have found myself brought back by memories of the days leading up to your birth and death. At times these memories have been so strong that it was difficult to loosen the grip that they had on my heart and mind. I’ve found myself once again asking “what if?” and “why?” Even though the doctors have answered both of those questions time and time again and I know exactly why, and that there was nothing that I could have done to save you…I still hurt inside sometimes and wish that I could change things. I would give anything to have you here with us.

I allow myself to imagine what things would be like if my body hadn’t betrayed us all, if you had been allowed to continue to grow inside of me until you were truly ready to be born. You were so healthy and strong, that I know you would have continued to be a big baby. You looked so much like your Daddy, and when I look at pictures of him as a baby I feel like I am looking into your face. We never saw your eyes William, but I know they were that crystal blue color of your Daddy’s eyes. I do look at babies that are the age you would be and think of you—of all of the things that you would be doing now, of all of the things that our family would be doing. I also look at little boys of varying ages, little boys with their Mommies sharing that special bond. I see little boys with their Daddies and think of all of the things that your Daddy wanted to share with you, things that he will forever miss. And I see little boys playing or running around, and I think of how much joy you would have brought into this world…a joy that the world is missing, even if most people aren’t aware that you are gone. I allow myself to think of these things often and I know that I will never stop doing this.

Most of the time, however, I am not thinking of sad thoughts of you—of what was, but is painful to remember, or of what should have been. Most of the time my thoughts of you are much more peaceful and full of warmth. You are always with me, always in my heart, right there as I go about my life. I carry you with me constantly.

Love and more kisses than you can imagine,
Mommy