Saturday, February 28, 2009

Friday, February 27, 2009

circa twenty-five weeks

The cable finally came for my camera!

Now I will be more inclined to take pictures. Of course I could have been taking them all along (as I had intended) but, well, I didn't. The Little Guy/my belly has grown a lot in the last six weeks or so since this picture was taken. That shirt doesn't even fit me any more.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

three hours

Last Friday I had to go to the lab for the three hour GTT. I was there for closer to four hours because there was some sort of mix up with their paperwork. Fortunately the woman was kind and thoughtful and went ahead and started the test before she had everything sorted out.

I did start to get pretty nauseated at some point into the second hour. Fortunately they had taken me back to a private waiting room with a sofa so I was able to lay down while the feeling passed. I got a lot of good reading done, so that was a plus. I'm reading a really good book right now.

And I passed the test, no GD. Yay. I wonder if I failed the one hour screening because I didn't really fast for it?


A woman I (used to) work with (she hasn't been working since December) had her baby yesterday. I went to the hospital to see them yesterday afternoon and held him for a long time. He is perfect, beautiful, and weighs almost 9 pounds. She told me her birth story. Maybe I'll write later about some of the things this has brought up for me. Nothing bad, really, but lots of thoughts. Oh, and last night I dreamt, for the first time I can recall, about the Little Guy being here.


I think we have a name. There are two that we really like and yesterday morning I thought I had come to a decision which one is right. Then the other name came up TWICE yesterday in random circumstances. It is a very uncommon name, so I am now wondering...
I guess there is still time to get it figured out. But I really liked feeling like he had a name, other than Little Guy or The Baby.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I just have to get this off my chest

I really hate THAT question. Ask me when I'm due. Ask me if it's a girl or a boy. Ask me what we plan to name him. But WHY ask if he is my first? You don't see me with another child in tow, so just leave it be--please!

I answer appropriately for the situation--if you are a stranger or someone I won't ever really get to know, then you get the lie. If not, then you get the truth and usually it isn't something you wanted to hear. Well that's too bad, isn't it?

Sorry. But I feel (a little) better now.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

where did the posts go?

Maybe it's just me, but after publishing my last post my blog now no longer shows any of the posts on the page. I can click on them, and they will show up, but the page looks blank.

I hope this corrects itself because it is really bugging me.

too close

I just stole a few minutes to visit some blogs (despite my long To Do list for today) and found Niobe's most recent post (sorry I still haven't gotten my act together to link properly...she is in my link's list, though). Since I haven't posted a picture in I-don't-know-how-long, her post has inspired me to post a picture that Mr. C took well over a year ago. He had given me a new camera as a gift, and proceeded to take a ton of pictures with it, one is this extreme close-up of my eye (it may be a bit too close for comfort, I'm afraid).

The other day I finally got online and ordered the darn cable for my camera, so it should come in the mail soon. I know that the one that came with the camera is around somewhere, but I'm tired of looking for it/hoping it will materialize.

What color are my eyes? Well, they are brown--I suppose that is obvious. But they have specks of gold in them and depending on the lighting (or, I like to claim, my mood) they take on a more greenish cast, so I have often referred to them as hazel brown. What color eyes will the Little Guy have? That is a question that I am so looking forward to finding out. According to what I learned in high school biology class, it is pretty much a 50% chance they will be brown and a 50% chance they will be blue. Mr. C has the most beautiful blue eyes, and his father and my mother both have blue eyes as well.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

twenty-nine weeks

I was at the Peri's office bright and early today and had what turned out to be a wonderful appointment. My favorite sonographer did the ultrasound and, as usual, she was kind and made sure we got a really good look at the Little Guy. It sucks that our scanner isn't set up, because she printed up several 4 D pictures and he looks so cute. I think he has Mr. C's nose, but Mothership says that they always look like they have big noses when they are really little like that. At any rate, I like Mr. C's nose and I don't think it is big. Besides being treated well and getting good pictures all of the data looks great. My cervix is still long and shows no sings of changes, if the story is the same when I go in in two weeks then that will be our last visit to the Peri! And the Little Guy is three pounds and is measuring well on all of the aspects that they measured for. The fluid, cord, and placenta all look just as they should as well.

When we met with the Peri in his office to go over all of the data I did address the billing issue. He was very cool about it all, but I could tell that he was pissed off at the woman who had talked with me on the phone. It is taken care of now, and I feel good to have it behind me and that I did it myself, too (Mothership was there to back me up, but I did most of the talking and managed to do so without getting even a little bit emotional).

Tomorrow I see my OB. It's been four weeks since I've seen him and I'm curious to see if he gives me a bad time again about the weight gain. I'm now almost at the top of the recommended 25-35 lb weight gain range, with about 11 weeks to go. All I can say is what I've said already--I am eating very healthfully and don't feel like this is an unreasonable amount. Sure, I would have loved it if I could have made it through this pregnancy with only a cute baby bump and nothing extra on my thighs and my bottom, but that's just not the way things have gone. And seeing those chubby cheeks on my three pound baby today just made my heart jump right out of my chest; every pound I will have to work off later will be worth it.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

feeling down

I think I'm getting motion sickness from all of the emotional ups & downs I've been through lately. Nothing really bad has happened to warrant the downs, I've just been extremely sensitive. I find myself crying over something, then I get mad at myself for crying and it just makes it worse. Today I woke up just feeling sad and negative...down in the I hope I snap out of it soon.

Is this typical for this part of pregnancy? Is it because of the P17 shots? Or is it just me?

I had a really, really bad experience last week over the phone with the woman who does the billing for my Peri. I have been paying the bill--chipping away at it with pretty hefty payments, even--but still got a nasty note on my most recent statement. So I called them to have a chat about things and was completely blind-sided by the response I got. Despite the fact that I made two payments in December and one in January, she spoke to me as though I were delinquent on my account (she had the same records I had right in front of her, I checked) and was basically demanding a HUGE payment or I would be dropped from the practice. What? They are the only Maternal Fetal Medicine practice in my area, so where else would I go? I was offering to make a payment over the phone but it was only half of what she wanted that day (and, she added, another payment of that size when I see them next week for my appointment--followed by the balance of the account next month!). So I ended up saying bye-bye to her without even making a payment. Then I proceeded to have a complete meltdown right here in my living room. Not just tears and boo hoo, but all-out screaming. Yikes. I pulled myself together enough to call Mr. C and he talked me down. You see, while we have several other large medical bills right now (yes, we have insurance, but this all--as many of you I'm sure are more than well aware of--still costs a lot of money), we are doing pretty well financially. I feel like I should knock on something, given the current state of the economy. WE are doing well, but I make a fraction of what I used to make before we moved here. And I am used to taking care of things MYSELF. So I was so happy that I had figured out how I could manage all of the medical bills from my account. The bill will be payed in full when I go in on Tuesday, but Mothership is going with me and she is going to make sure that the doctor is aware of how this woman treated me. She is one heck of a bad ass when she wants to be, too, so we'll see how that goes.

But other than that experience things have been going well. We had a nice Valentine's Day. Still, I'm feeling pretty down.

Tomorrow will be a new day, though, and I plan to wake up feeling better.

Monday, February 9, 2009

twenty-eight weeks

I saw the Peri again last week and my cervix is still holding strong. Unfortunately I got the grumpy sonographer and on top of that she took me into the "little" room, so I couldn't even see the Little Guy since the room doesn't have the second monitor and she didn't turn her screen toward me. I was feeling passive so I didn't say anything. Mothership will be with me for my next appointment and she will most certainly speak up if a similar situation presents itself.

Getting to 28 weeks is a huge milestone, one that felt so far away and so unattainable for such a long time I could hardly let myself think much about it. My paper chain has only two links on it now, since I was only able to go as far as 30 weeks when I made it. 40 weeks was too daunting and I told myself that 30 was enough. At the first visit with the Peri he told me that he would love to see me make it to 30 weeks, so I guess that reinforced setting it as my "big" goal. At this last visit he told me that we are in much safer territory now, especially since I haven't shown any cervical changes. It is so nice to see him being so optimistic, because he sure was a downer during those early weeks.

I still have some difficult times, when I worry that something terrible is about to happen. Fortunately there always seems to be some logical reason for any troubling symptom I am experiencing. And the Little Guy cooperates with a kick or a jab (or what sometimes feels like jumping jacks) to let me know he is doing well in there. For the most part I am doing well emotionally, too, but every now and then I find that I just need to cry and get it out.

Tomorrow I will call about childbirth classes. I've done some research into the available offerings and feel like I know what direction I want to take. First I checked into the two hospitals where I may deliver, just to see what they have, but I wasn't impressed by either option. I am very interested in hypnobirthing, though, so I called one of two women in my area who were listed on the web as certified teachers. The first woman I called said she isn't currently teaching, but referred me to a woman who is a doula and also teaches childbirth classes using the Birthing from Within philosophy. I looked at her web site and really liked what I saw. So I think what I would like to do is take her 6 week course (hopefully she is offering one that fits into my timeframe) and do the hypnobirthing home study course.

Oh and the hospital situation is one that I will have to deal with sometime soon as well. I chose my OB because he has specialties in high-risk pregnancy as well as infertility. I feel that I chose very well, except for the fact that he delivers at the hospital where I'd rather not have the baby. The hospital I prefer happens to be the one with the state-of-the-art NICU, so I guess I figured that I'd end up delivering there anyway. Now that the possibility of a full-term pregnancy is looking more and more realistic, it seems that I am going to have to figure this out. My OB can deliver at both hospitals, but he is employed by the one I don't like (as are his nurses, etc.) so he only delivers at the other hospital when it is before 37 weeks. Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated.

Mothership is coming home tomorrow from another trip to France. She allowed for a day or two in Paris at the start of her trip before going to stay with her parents, so she could do some shopping, and asked me if there was anything special she could get for me. I think she was hoping that I would ask her to look for things for the baby because when I did she became very animated. It made me feel good to see her so happy and excited. I'm looking forward to seeing what she comes back with.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

three years ago

I woke up early this morning and found that I couldn't go back to sleep. So I came downstairs and decided that I needed to write to William. The words were hard to come at first, but they did come. Then the tears followed, and along with them more words. After I felt done writing I went upstairs to the room that will become the nursery. In the closet is a box filled with most of the mementos of William. I took my time and allowed myself to cry as I lifted out each item, looked at the pictures, and read the notes and messages. I even read through the journal entries that I wrote shortly after we returned from the hospital.

Today won't include a trip to the cemetery or a cake or released balloons, but I am remembering my beautiful baby boy and am feeling the presence of his spirit.

Today is the third anniversary of your birth and death. I still miss you and I still think of you every day. Some days you are on my mind a lot, as memories come back to me when I see or hear things that trigger them. Other days it is how it has been for quite some time now--less of a specific memory or even a thought and more just the feeling of you and how much I love you. You have left an impression on me that will forever be felt. Your life has changed my life and it will never go back to how it once was. I used to curse the fact that you died because my life changed so significantly that day. I used to think that my life was better before and that if only you had lived that everything would be good and happy and right. Sometimes I still wonder how things would be different now if you hadn’t died, but I do not long for a now that doesn’t exist. You lived and you died, and as a result we will never be the same. That is a fact. But despite the pain that we went through and the loss that we still feel, and will always feel, I have come to accept that you are gone. Our lives are beautiful. And not because your death was “meant to be” and your reason for being here with us for such a short time was part of some big plan to teach us a big lesson. I believe that all of life’s experiences are opportunities to learn lessons—not just the big events that shake us to our very foundations. I believe that each day we are faced with lessons and it is up to us to see them or not, to learn from them or not, and even whether we experience them through joy or pain or not. So yes, your life and your death have been lessons that I continue to learn from. I choose, each day (though some days I am more successful than others) to embrace the life that is—rather than looking back at what once was or looking into a distorted pool of imagining what could have been, might have been, or—most dangerous and distorted—a notion of what should have been. This does not mean that my love for you is lessened, or that the impact of your spirit is dimmed in any way…those things are just not possible. In a way it seems, though I think I would have thought this impossible for quite some time, that accepting the fact that you died has opened up an even bigger space inside of me to feel the intensity of your love. For a long time I think I needed to hold onto my painful feelings because a part of me felt that if I let go of them that it somehow meant letting go of you. It seems now that it is only in the letting go of the pain that I can really “hold” you. Oh William, this makes so much sense to me now. You were never anything of pain, you were and are only love and joy…my beautiful baby.