a mess

I am a mess. I'm going to bed soon if I can pull myself together long enough to put on my jam jams and brush my teeth. Just a sobbing mess. I feel like I am falling apart.

Nothing in particular, just feel like I can't do anything anymore. It's that "pause" feeling, only so much stronger...painful.

I wanted to leave work "early" today...I actually had myself believing that I could do it as I drove in to work this morning. But then that is not how it worked out. Grades had to be entered into the gradebook and it just took far longer than it seemed like it should have. And Mr. C called me on my cell to tell me he would be working late and then off to band practice. And that just made me feel sunk. I was bringing him home a pizza, too. So I called him from the car and he said to come by work. We visited while he caught up on his e-mailing. He wants to quit his job...wants to start his own business. I want him to do it if that is what he wants to do. Yes, it is risky. But life is too damn short to stay doing things you'd rather not do. I feel like we've hardly seen each other lately and I feel like it is my fault for working so many hours.

I hate this. I feel like a big baby, and I want to be held and rocked and told that everything will be ok.

Why is this hitting me now?

Why did I have to inherit this tendency toward anxiety? Honestly, I could really do without it. I appreciate the fact that it isn't worse, I do not need medication and it doesn't inhibit me from living a productive life...But when it does hit me it feels like it is ripping me to shreds.

OK. My word for tomorrow will be "no." No to everything and anything extra that anyone might ask of me. No, I cannot help you with that. No, you will need to find someone else to take care of that. No, I have too much to do already.

Mothership (that is Mr. C's mom) is coming to stay the night tomorrow. I don't know if he knows this yet. She called last night and said that she might be overnight, but I SWEAR she said she would get a hotel room. Now she is saying (in a message she left us on voicemail) that she will be staying on our couch. I'm really not sure how I feel about it and I don't know how Mr. C is going to feel about it either. Somethimes she is just so much to handle.

Here is my quote for the day (I am back to taking links off of my chain...I put it back together with the new cycle since it didn't start as early as I had thought).
CD 4:
"No man is happy who does not think himself so." -Publilius Syrus

Alright...think. think. think.