Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Enough...I don't want to go on about work. Suffice to say that I ran my ass off all day and then had to cancel on Dirk because my appointment was in Seattle at 4:30 and I was still in my classroom at that time (it is more than an hour away). He is very understanding about such things, though, and left me a message saying that he has openings tomorrow morning.
And here I am. Not sure how I feel. Sad? Yes. Tired? Yes.
This morning on my drive in to work I went over in my mind what I'd like to do tomorrow. I want to bring flowers and some balloons, maybe a teddy. When we went on Mother's Day I also brought a card that I wrote. I will try to write something later tonight. If I get it out right then I will place it in the blog...we'll see.
Mr. C just called from work. He said that it was "role reversal" night, since I am usually the one working late. He chatted for a long time...read me things from online newspaper articles about the housing market (they say it really will come down in the Seattle area, eventually) and about the President (dropping the "ic" from democrat(ic) when referring to the party that is now in power in congress...claims it was not an intentional slur, just that he's "not good at pronouncing words").
Oh, and it occurred to me that I may actually only be 7 dpo today rather than 8 because I got the positive OPK on Tuesday of last week and it goes pos up to 24 hours before you "O." Which means that the earliest that I would want to test would be Friday. 9 dpo is still awful soon, though. The earliest you are supposed to expect a positive result would be 5 days before the expected period. Since I ovulated on day 14/15 then I would expect my period on day 28/29 and 5 days prior is day 23/24...ok, I need to go get a calendar because I am trying to do this on my fingers and in my head and it just doesn't work for me. I'm not a numbers person. I think I have a handle on them and then poof, they disappear into the ether.
Friday I can test and have a reasonable expectation but won't take it too seriously if it is negative either. So perhaps it is a better idea to wait until Saturday, then?
Maybe I'll ask Mr. C what he thinks.
I have been just parched lately! My throat has been dry and I am drinking so much water and my dry mouth and throat doesn't seem to get any better. It is a bit disturbing.
Today (it actually started last night as I was sleeping) I've had some sharp crampy feelings. Not like period cramps, more like brief but intense pinches. No idea what that is. Part of me thinks "implantation?" and another part thinks, ok, IPS here we are. Maybe it is just my ovaries producing progesterone, as they are supposed to do during this part of my cycle (I think I read that somewhere at some point). I don't know. Bbs are still tender, uterus still "throbbing" for lack of a better way to describe it. All are normal PMS-like symptoms as well.
OK, enough of my obsessing for now. I am going to go try to distract myself with something else.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
I'm back in the "I'm not so sure" state of mind again...but it is just 7dpo now, too soon to test.
Today was a better day than yesterday. I just felt better for whatever reason. I went to my mailbox before I went over to my class at 4 and there was a card from Sheri. She is so thoughtful, I will be sure to thank her tomorrow.
Mr. C just told me that he has a dentist appointment on Thursday afternoon and that he would like to go to the cemetary in the morning. So I guess that is what we will do. I don't know what exactly I want to do that day, so I will have to give it some special thought tomorrow and figure it out. Right now I'm just too tired to think about it.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Last night it occurred to me that my fear and anxiety that I might be pregnant had actually morphed into fear and anxiety that I might NOT be pregnant. Yes, I know: Duh. But it really did occur in one of those light-bulb moments. I was about to go to bed and I was putting away the laptop or something and I had this thought like: Oh, I’m feeling sad because the “feelings” have dissipated…I am so anxious because I really want to be pregnant, and I probably am not. Now I fully realize that we hadn’t even started trying yet, so it is not as though we had “done everything right” and I still didn’t get knocked up. I can understand if I were upset that that had happened. But here we were, not even trying and I have myself all in worked-up about it.
And I am missing William so badly today. I am carrying around so much pain, it is right there on the surface and everyone can see it.
A year ago today...Mr. C was reading silly things from the Chuck Norris website ("Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried." "Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.", etc.) you can find them at http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck
and my back was hurting and things "just didn't feel right" and instead of it all making me laugh it just annoyed me. I didn't go to the hospital. The on-call doctor told me to take 600 mg of ibuprophin and go to bed, that if the contractions (yes, she said they were contractions) increased to come in. Maybe if Mr. C had been home he would have insisted that we go in? Or maybe not. Would it have made a difference if we had gone then? Would 22 hours have made enough of a difference to save William's life? I used to ponder questions like that a lot.
That night in bed I woke up to Mr. C holding my belly and talking to the baby. He had given him a really good kick...it was the first (and as it would turn out, only) time that Mr. C felt him kick. It was such a precious moment, waking up to my husband and our son sharing their first conversation...all cozy in bed with both the cats curled up next to us--our family.
The last day & night before I was admitted to the hospital.
Before everything changed.
i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon
has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope
or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder
that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)
Sunday, January 28, 2007
I think part of me is avoiding the reality of what the next few days are.
January 28th: "A year ago today...I felt you moving, kicking...I looked to the months ahead, you growing bigger and stronger, holding you in my arms..."
January 29th: "A year ago today...I started feeling contractions and had some spotting, the on-call doctor said I shouldn't worry but if they increase to more than five an hour that I should come in..."
January 30th "A year ago today...I went into the doctor's office because I had an appointment already scheduled. The contractions had continued, but slowed during the day. Dr. D examined me and said everything looked good, but sent me over to have an ultrasound 'just to be sure'...I was admitted to the hospital straightaway from the ultrasound...put in a wheelchair and then straight into a bed (my feet didn't touch the floor for three more days)..."
So much happened even that first night in the hospital. But I am not ready to turn this post into an acccount of William's birth. These are the thoughts that are bubbeling up into my mind (or just under the surface) and I know that I need to acknowledge them.
Mom and Dad were here today. God I love them so much. Mom was her usual self. I mentioned to her that I had seen the high-risk specialist and then she launched into stories of her new doctor and then went on and on about herself and her medical issues and in her usual way mixed up the timeline from before I was even born until last week...all the while I tried to be patient. I love her and she is who she is and that is that--no changing her, I put that one to bed 10 years ago. But I did marvel at the fact that she didn't follow up my statement about seeing the high-risk specialist. So eventually I just brought it up again and asked her if she was interested in hearing about it. She responded with her usual emphaticness and complete sincerity--yes, yes, she REALLY wanted to know but didn't want to pressure me by bringing up the topic of having another baby. So I shared the news of what Dr. B had told me and how things went and how I really like Dr. B, and all of that. While Mom and I were talking she started to sob and told me how much she misses William, how much she loves him...how painful she knows that this is for me. Yep.
During this time my Dad was outside working on my car (I have come to accept that one of the ways that my Dad feels like he is being a good father is by helping with things like this). I went outside to talk with him and it took a lot of restraint to not say something to him like "Dad, I think I might be pregnant again. Chances are that I'm not, but at any rate we are hoping to be pregnant again soon...and I'm scared and happy and a bit overwhelmed at it all." But I didn't. I didn't say anything to him about it at all. With my Dad, my emotions are so raw. I love him so deeply that it is almost painful. So I knew that if I were to say anything about having another baby that I would probably break down. So I kept it together by not even bringing it up.
I'm glad that I have taken Thursday and Friday off of work for William's birth/death day. Mr. C did, too, so we will spend the days together.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
I ended up going to the Starbucks on Admiral to meet Angie. She and her sister and Nate were in town to go to IKEA to buy a new bed. She called earlier and knew that I was in a funk, so she called again and said that she was coming over. We visited and I'm glad, because it did bring me out of my mood. Nothing seriously sad or anything, I was just feeling wiped-out and not feeling like I could do anything. "Sadly Unfunctional" is what I call myself when I am like that. Angie is a good friend.
I told Angie about the possibility that I might be pregnant yesterday, so today she wanted us to go over to the Bartell's near the Starbucks and buy a test. It is way too soon, so it would be a waste of money. I told her that if she was still itching to do it come next Wednesday that I would, since that would be 8 days past ovulation. I think that is still too early to test, but is much more reasonable than 4 dpo. What I am waiting on now are any signs of implantation--pain, spotting. I for sure had that with William. I can't remember how many dpo it happened, and I didn't keep any record of it. But if I remember correctly it can happen as soon as 5 dpo, up to a week later...
I need to distract myself somehow. It will be nice to have Mom and Dad come for a visit tomorrow. We don't see each other nearly enough. I should wrap all of the presents I have for everyone so that they can take them home with them tomorrow. And I really should tidy up around here before they visit. It really isn't so bad, just messy.
A part of me really feels like writing, and another part of me just feels like vegging and watching tv or something. Ugh. I hate when I want to get something out, but can't. I guess it is because I am getting consumed by this idea that I might be pregnant and I don't want to feel in any way bad about that. Damn it. This is so stupid, because here I was (still am, really) afraid that I will have a hard time getting pregnant and worried about that. I wish that there was a test that could just tell me, because I am feeling a lot of the things I felt when I was pregnant before. My abdomen feels...full. Not achey or crampy, but full...throbbing a bit is the best way to describe it. And I have had to pee a lot, even though I haven't been drinking as much water as I usually do. And my bbs are starting to feel tender, especially the nips. So there are the symptoms. Nothing miraculous, just that...and this "feeling" I can't quite describe.
Enough. I need to get it out, I guess, but I'm not sure how much it helps. I'm going to go and busy myself with some houskeeping...maybe get out the altered book I am working on. My students have their critique for the altered book project on Tuesday and I am so looking forward to seeing all of them. I've seen them as they have been working, of course, but it will be cool to see them all together. I will definately take pictures of them.
Things are getting better in terms of my campagne to lighten my work load to a reasonable level. Thursday's work day with the 9th Grade Advisory team went well. I only have 1 lesson left to plan (how did I end up with that lesson? cuz I'm a sucker, that's how...but it is only one, and then that is IT!) Grades are due soon and I have a file box full of papers to edit, work to assess and give feedback on.
And once again my house is a mess. Bleck.
And I am having IPS big time. Either that or I am actually pregnant. I suppose I can take a test on February 3rd...the 6th is day 28 of my cycle. There is definately something going on, but it could easily just be my body readjusting to making all of it's own hormones and stuff. There is nothing I can do about it, one way or the other, so I should just try to stop thinking about it.
Yah, like that is possible.
I guess it is pointless to think things like: It's too soon. The timing isn't what I want. We aren't ready.
So I won't think things like that either. If I am pg then I will try to think things like: Wow, if a baby was conceived like that then that is pretty impressive. We will love this child more than is imaginable, or really even reasonable. My body is healthy and I know that physically I am prepared to be pregnant.
I told Travis the other day that I must be practicing for pregnancy brain or something. I just keep missing things or forgetting little things. I know that it is because I am so busy and there are so many things going at once. But I majorly messed up on something this week. I told my friend at work that I was available for coffee on Sunday. We made plans to get together to just hang out and spend some time with each other. Then yesterday evening when I was driving home from work it finally occurred to me that I can't get together with her because my Mom and Dad are coming over on Sunday. My car broke down on me and the starter needs to be replaced and the only day my Dad could come is on Sunday. So now I need to call her and I am so embarrassed by the fact that I forgot this.
Angie is on a campagne to find my blog. I wonder if/when she will find it. I told her she needs to leave a comment when she does. She called a little bit ago and said that she got herself totally off task during her class today because she was looking for it and read a bunch of blogs. So I told her that my picture is in the profile so she doesn't have to read so much to try to figure out if it is me.
Alright...I better go get some things done.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Well yesterday was cd14 and I decided to test when I was at work. I looked at the test and thought for sure that the line was darker than it ever had been. I realize that the surge line has to be as dark or darker than the reference line, but it was looking pretty close. So, once again, I wanted to compare it to a test from the day before and I knew that I had one in my waste basket under my desk. So I compared the two and quickly recognized that the line was far darker than the day before. Almost as soon as I made that realization I also started to realize that something was different between the two tests--the little arrow that points to the surge line...the test I had just taken had that arrow pointing the "wrong" way. In other words, I was reading the test wrong. It wasn't that the surge line was almost as dark as the reference line, it was that the surge line was actually darker than the reference line.
So I got a positive OPK. And I was celebrating this fact. Only now I am a bit confused and worried at what my body is doing. Maybe it is ovulation pains, I don't know, but I am having lots of crampey feelings. Lots. Not just a "twinge" or whatever. I told Mr. C this and he was just like..."Well, I told you that getting pregnant is not going to be a problem...I just hope you aren't pregnant already."
Cuz um...we did have unprotected sex on Saturday. And even if I ovulated today then that was just 4 days ago (so three days before I ovulated). And they say those little fellas can survive in there for up to 5 days.
Now this isn't the mind of a baby-crazed woman at work. If anything it is the mind of a woman who is worried that there might be something terribly wrong with her (which of course would mean that I couldn't ever have a child...this is where my mind always goes). And I realize that the most likely explanation is that I am not pregnant, that there is nothing terribly wrong with me...nothing wrong at all. Most likely it is just that I have been on the pill for a few months and my body is just readjusting to things.
Dang, though, if I am pregnant I will NEVER hear the end of it from Mr. C. He is really looking forward to trying. But here is what happened. It isn't one of those great stories, like some condom malfunction or something. This will be totally TMI, but it is my blog so I will tell what happened anyway. Anyone reading this that doesn't care to know intimate details from my bedroom can stop reading now. So we are doing it, and the big moment is about to arrive, and he starts to pull out. And I tell him no, it's ok. So he doesn't pull out. That's it. I really thought that I wasn't going to ovulate for a loooong time, so therefore it was ok. It will probably turn out that it was, indeed, ok. But there is a chance that I was very wrong. And poor Mr. C will give me a bad time about it until the end of time.
I guess there is nothing much to do but wait and see.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Last night I picked up J and we went over to Kat's. It ended up just being J, Kat, Kat's sister, and me. All of the other ladies had their little one's as excuses to stay home. But that was just fine with me, I actually preferred to be around a smaller amount of people. It would have been nice to see the others, though. As it was we were able to have some nice conversations and we laughed a lot as well.
It turns out that Kat is exactly at the same point in her pregnancy that I was a year ago. She just had her 20 week ultrasound and had found out that they are having a girl. She showed pictures and I had worried that it might be hard for me, but it ended up being ok. She was always so good to ask me questions about my pregnancy whenever it was relevant. J brought up adoption and we talked about it for a while. She did say that she would be open to it but that Chris is opposed to it. We also talked about other options (surrogacy, IVF with a donor egg or possibly her egg--if she had one that is viable) and how difficult and invasive everything is. My heart really breaks for her.
Eventually Kat did ask about what me and Mr. C might have planned for the future in regards to having a family. I was so glad that she had asked, because I wanted to share it with her but wasn't sure that it felt appropriate--I guess because she is pregnant? Anyway, I shared with her the news that I had received on Monday at my visit with the Peri. I think that it is good for me to be around her and to see her belly and to be able to talk about things openly. I am so grateful that she is as sensitive but also as "real" as she is. She doesn't try to ignore the reality of things.
And as far as TTC goes, Mr. C and I are waiting until the next cycle for sure. I have a feeling that my body is working through things a bit, anyway. I'm not sure what all of the crampy/wierd sensations are...but everything feels "normal," so I am not worrying. I will continue to use the OPKs so that I can see if/when I ovulate. I know that I have vacillated on this, but the decision is certain now because yesterday Mr. C and I talked about it and he was very firm in that he does not want anything to happen before he feels ready and he got his mind ready for February/March. I tried to throw something he said to me last year out there: "What difference does a month make?" (last year he said this to me, only it was a year, rather than a month). But it didn't change the way he feels. So it will be the next cycle and this one is practice with the OPKs.
I bought myself a pregnancy journal on Friday. I stopped of at B&N on my way home from work because there was a magazine that I wanted to buy. So while I was there I decided to go and look at the pregnancy books. I spent a while looking at all of them and realized that I couldn't read pretty much any of them during a sub pregnancy. In fact, I think I will give my copy of "What to Expect when You're Expecting" to one of my students who is pg. I will probably end up getting myself the "Great Expectations" book because it seems like the only one that I could tolerate. But I did see this journal that made me smile, so I bought it. It is called "The Belly Book" and it looks like something that I would make if I made a book. It even has these line drawing illustrations that look sort of like something I might draw when I am doodling. I like the journal because it has a sense of humor and isn't the typical sentimental type of book that you find (like the one I was given as a gift when I was pg with William). So I know I am putting the cart before the horse here, but I see it as a move toward having a positive attitude.
A woman on the TTC after Stillbirth board who had been trying for almost a year finally got a BFP the other day. This made me so happy. She seems like such a sweet person and I know it was very hard for her to be hopeful while she was trying. She never even had to "try" with her three living daughters or the baby she lost. Most of the women who were on the Stillbirth board when I joined or shortly after have already gone on to have another baby, or they are pregnant now. In some ways I feel like I have been frozen in time. Many of the women who are TTC now lost their babies much more recently. It really isn't common at all for women to wait as long as I have. I know that it is what was right for me and Mr. C, though. And hopefully, once we start trying, our waiting won't have to go on for very much longer than the year that we have already waited.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
This morning I got up and went for a run with Erin. Since it has been a while, my body wasn't up for as long of a run as I had hoped. My left knee started to hurt, too, so we interspersed walking breaks into the running. It was so good to spend time with Erin and to catch up after almost a month.
Since I have been home I have been feeling crampy and there was a small amount of pink/blood mixed with discharge. I'm not sure what is up with that. But I am trying not to over-think things.
I've been invited to hang out with the ladies tonight while the guys are all playing poker. J asked if I could pick her up. She is a total neat freak, so I'm a bit anxious about the state of my car. I guess I should go try to get it to look a bit better than it does. Truth be told it needs a complete detailing, since it was stolen last year I haven't done much to make it look presentable and it was just trashed on the inside by the thieves.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
And so we move forward.
Oh, I did something I am proud of today. When I sat down during my planning period my head was swimming with the million and one things (so it seems) that I need to do. And regarding Contemporary Studies there is still a lot to do. I still have the film festival on my plate and there are many details to see to with the current unit--lesson planning, support documents, coordinating and prepping for the culminating performance...a lot. And then there is the internship component of the Senior Culminating Project to plan for and coordinate. So I decided to ask Angie to take responsibility for contacting the internship placements. She seemed like she was containing her disappointment that I had asked her when she said OK. But I need to ask other people for help, and this was a huge step for me in this direction. We will have the first two periods on the 31st to do some more planning together, so that is nice.
Enough about work (I could go on and on...and that is pretty sad).
Yesterday when I was walking to my car after my appointment with Dirk, Erin was walking across the street toward me. It was so good to see her. We talked for a bit and decided to get together on Saturday morning to go for a run. I really am glad that we ran into each other because I have been meaning to call her but haven't. I wonder what running will feel like, since the last time I went for a run was??? I suppose I could figure it out if I wanted to, but I'm pretty sure it has been almost three weeks. So we'll see how it goes.
Today I used one of the OPKs, my first one. I am on cd 9, so I guess I jumped the gun a bit (I think they say to start OPKs on cd 10 and then continue until there is a definate surge). My body definately feels like things are "working" in there. Maybe that is wierd to say. And maybe it is because I am paying attention to every little twinge and whatnot. Oh well. I told Mr. C on the phone when I was driving home that I had to pee really bad (he had asked me to stop off at the store to get something for him) and that I had to hold it so long because of the OPK (they recommend "holding it" for 4 hours and taking the test during the day rather than in the morning). So he once again reinforced to me his perspective on the whole TTC issue. He doesn't think it really matters when I ovulate, just have sex at least every other day and we should be fine. Which is basically the SME plan anyway, only without the three days in a row when you know you are about to ovulate. But even the SME plan says that if you fail to detect a surge then you should continue with the every other day thing until day 35, when you should take a HPT. But I got the darn OPKs and I am going to use them.
I've shared my "news" about the peri and plans to TTC soon with three people at work--Angie, Travis, and Katie. Angie and I have become very close, and I tell her everything. Katie was pregnant with her second child last year. Her office was at the entrance to my classroom, so I saw her every day. Her baby girl was due in February, so she had left for maternity leave right before I went into labor with William. She is very special to me, just a gem of a person. That is a term that I never use, but it so fits Katie. She is just cool in every way. And Travis, well he walked with me through every step of my pregnancy. Since he and I were teaching partners and co-Teacher Leaders, we were pretty much together all of the time at work. He is so dear to me and he is supportive and protective of me. So it is helpful for me to share what I am going through with these people.
According to Travis, the Farmer's Almanac says that we have more snow coming. I think I'll check into that. He said that it was right about everything that has happened so far this year and that it is extremely accurate on the whole. He cracks me up some times with how earnest he is about such things.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
In addition to Charlie, our outside cat, we also have two other creatures that frequent the back deck. One is a very ugly opossum (he looks like a giant rat, yuck) and the other is this raccoon. The opossum doesn't get a name, but I think of the raccoon as Rocky (because of the song). Anyway, he is very comfortable coming right up to the window and is not scared away when we turn on the light or even make noise. He comes looking for food. Sometimes Charlie doesn't eat all of his food and Rocky gets lucky.
Well today was yet another non-school day! Hard to believe it, but it is true. This means that the three-day weekend turned into a six-day weekend! I would have been shocked (especially since the rest of western Washington was on a late-start) but nothing could shock me anymore. Today Angie and I had subs lined up so we could spend the day planning. That will need to be rescheduled (it better be rescheduled or I will be VERY disappointed). Since the roads really weren't all that bad between where she lives and where I live she decided to drive up to my house so we could work. This was exactly what I needed to spend the day doing. It is amazing how you can avoid something for so long, and then when you are ready to do it it all just goes so well. We got a lot done and are now literally planned through the end of the year. Wow. And we even got most of the support documents for the current unit done!
I am actually starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to work. The next big hurdle is to tackle the 9th Grade Advisory--revising the second semester calendar and mapping out the planning day that we have scheduled for next week (and that better still be on as well).
I found an ovulation calculator thing online. This is what it told me:
(28 day cycle) You're likely to be most fertile from Sunday, January 21, 2007 to Friday, January 26, 2007. If you were to get pregnant during that time, your due date would be Wednesday, October 17, 2007.
Fertile days...............................Resulting due date
Sunday, February 18, 2007
to Friday, February 23, 2007.... Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Sunday, March 18, 2007
to Friday, March 23, 2007........Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
to Friday, April 20, 2007..........Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Sunday, May 13, 2007
to Friday, May 18, 2007...........Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Sunday, June 10, 2007
to Friday, June 15, 2007...........Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Sunday, July 8, 2007
to Friday, July 13, 2007............Wednesday, April 2, 2008
(35 day cycle) You're likely to be most fertile from Sunday, January 28, 2007 to Friday, February 2, 2007. If you were to get pregnant during that time, your due date would be Wednesday, October 24, 2007.
Fertile days..............................Resulting due date
Sunday, March 4, 2007
to Friday, March 9, 2007..........Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Sunday, April 8, 2007
to Friday, April 13, 2007..........Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Sunday, May 13, 2007
to Friday, May 18, 2007...........Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Sunday, June 17, 2007
to Friday, June 22, 2007..........Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Sunday, July 22, 2007
to Friday, July 27, 2007...........Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sunday, August 26, 2007
to Friday, August 31, 2007......Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I'm sure that this information is thrilling to absolutely no one but me. Last night when Mr. C came to bed he saw the book I had been reading on the nightstand, it is titled "Getting Pregnant" (I bought it last year when we were TTC William). Anyway, he saw the book and just laughed. He thinks it is funny to read books and such on how to get pregnant because he sees it as a pretty simple concept. Have sex, get pregnant...end of story. He may have admitted his fears about BEING pregnant, but the man has no lack of confidence about GETTING pregnant. I wish I could be as confident, and that all anyone needed were: confidence + sperm + egg = BFP = screaming baby in 40 weeks.
But I'm back in the mind-set of trying this month! If I could be guaranteed a 28 day cycle I would not even give it much of a thought at this point. But prior to going back on the pill my cycles were 35 days or more. And that puts things further ahead than I would like.
What to do?
I guess that is something Mr. C and I need to discuss.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
I woke up to the phone ringing this morning. I didn't get to it in time but listened to the message from Angie: Surprise! Late start--school is delayed two hours. So I went back to bed and had a hard time falling to sleep. It felt like I was finally drifting off when the phone rang again. This time I got to it in time and it was a message from the automated system saying that school would be delayed two hours. Yah, I knew that--and why did the message come at 6:25--isn't that a little late? So I looked out the window to see what was really up. It was snowing again and quite a lot had already piled up. I decided that I would not be going in to work at all--no way was I driving in that like I did last Thursday. It all went well, but what might the drive home be like? So I logged on to the school district's web site and, low and behold, discovered that school was cancelled altogether. No one called to tell me that, though. I happily climbed right back into bed once more. Yay. It will suck to have to make up the 5 days that we have missed (one of the days might be waived because it was due to the windstorm and the governor declaired that a state-of-emergency) but since I have no control over it I might as well enjoy it.
Much of the snow actually melted away today. It was the first time that it warmed up since the snow first showed up almost a week ago. The temps are supposed to drop tonight, which means freezing, which means bad streets. And the forecast is for more snow...but that doesn't mean that it will snow here or in Tacoma.
Monday, January 15, 2007
The fact is that there are no guarantees, no matter how positive I want to be.
Why can't this just be easy? (I know that that is a stupid question, but I find myself asking it anyway.)
It isn't going to be helpful for me to focus on everything that could possibly go wrong, or to think too deeply on the fact that many women with IC suffer multiple losses. How could that possibly do me any good? I am far too aware of the realities of pregnancy loss and the loss of precious babies. In addition to all of the possible scenarios regarding IC I am now all too aware of stillbirth due to problems with the cord or placenta, or other causes like infections...and then there are complications from labor itself...or early infant death. Life is a precious gift and it is so fragile. And not a moment of it is guaranteed. This I know, all too well.
But it will be a very long 9 months (God willing) if I have my focus on all that could conceivably go wrong.
I took a big step today. I guess I will find a way to continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.
Today I had my TTC-consultation with the Peri, Dr. B, and it went very well. I feel like Dr. B is going to be a good fit. She is easy to be with. She has this energy about her that is very calm and matter-of-fact. I can tell that she has the "tell it like it is" thing in common with Dr. D and I really like that. But she seems a little more down-to-earth than Dr. D to me. She covered everything and, just as I had hoped, I didn't have to ask any of my questions outright because she got to them already. Of course I consulted them before we said goodbye, just in case!
She is certain that I have a "classic IC" and believes that with a cerclage placed early in the second trimester (she said 15 to 16 weeks) she feels that I have a 90% chance of carrying to term. In addition to that she said that since my cervix remained long, even when I was dilated and the membranes were funneling, that this is very positive because it (in addition to pointing to IC rather than some other cause of early labor) means that the stitch can go in nice and strong and the likelihood of bedrest is pretty low. Wow, I wasn't expecting that. Now of course I will still modify my activity! There is no way I will continue to be up and as active as usual, working long days, hauling up and down the stairs a bazillioin times a day at home and at work, and I won't be doing any heavy lifting. But to still be able to take a walk, sit upright, etc. is such a big thing! And, as Mr. C put it when we were on the phone after I got home from the appointment, it means that I don't have to worry so much about timing things "just right" in regard to the school year. Of course I still want to time it the way I've planned, but if this isn't possible then things are still going to be just fine.
So that is all very big news!
When I do get my BFP I will set up an appointment with Dr. B for at about 8 weeks and we will go from there. I won't see Dr. D any more. It was an option, but it would have meant a lot of coordinating of schedules and going to appointments at two different offices. The Maternal Fetal Medicine practice is very easy to get to. Dr. D's office is near it, but a bit of a walk from the parking garage. So for the sake of efficiency/simplicity I will only see Dr. B and she will deliver the (God willing) baby as well. I think that there is another good reason to only see her. I will have a different office to go to for all of my appointments. I think psychologically that that is a good thing.
She also said that we can begin TTC whenever we want. She was very happy to hear about how healthy my diet is. She said that it is good that I have been taking a multi with 400 mcg of Folic acid along with my diet which is high in Folic acid. She said that she would advise 800 mcg to someone who doesn't have such a healthy diet but that I should be covered. So of course when I was on my way home I stopped at the Supplement store and got a new prenatal vitamin that has 800 mcg! The way I look at it, at least I can be SURE I am getting enough! Regardless of how many fruits, veggies, whole grains, nuts, or fortified foods I eat I never think it is healthy enough!
Wow. Very big news today.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
I found this funny graphic that I thought I was pasting in here, but it ended up just being the url. Darn it.
Mr. C is downstairs playing some Starwars game (lego starwars? I don't know) otherwise I would ask him to help me.
I have nothing to say.
I actually went out last night. Mr. C had a show, which means that he has to leave early (to get all of the equipment from the practice space and whatnot). He thought that Drummer's wife J might want to drive with me. I ended up going out to dinner with some friends who already had plans to go pick J up. It was my friend Ry and his wife Kat and her sister. I hadn't seen them since our friend Schmackey's wedding in November when I was pretty certain Kat was newly pregnant (overheard something). Sure enough, she has the look of about 4 months or so. It wasn't terrible. In fact, everyone was really sweet. With the exception of Kat's sister, who I'd never met, everyone there was actually at William's funeral. At dinner when Kat was reminiscing about her bad morning sickness she actually asked me if I had a bad time of it. As I was answering her, her sister said "Oh, you have a kid?"--all excited and happy. It sucked to have to say, and I said it very quickly "He died" before getting back to my story about m/s. She felt really bad and apologized and I told her it was ok, and just went on with things. I didn't want to launch into my whole explanation.
Kat and her sister went home after dinner and Ry, J, and I went on the the show. J and I had a nice talk in the bar before we went into the part of the bar where the bands were playing. Poor J went through early menopause. She found out about two years ago when they were TTC with no luck. I knew this, but last night we talked about it a bit more. She said that the OB she saw was pretty cold and matter-of-fact when he told her, didn't break it to her gently or try to explore any possibilities with her. It must be so painful. Especially because, as she put it, she found out at a time when it felt like all of her friends were having babies. She asked me about having another baby. I told her that we were planning to TTC soon. She didn't know why we had lost William for sure, so said something like "There really is no chance that what happened before will happen again, right?" So I told her about IC and PTL and high-risk pregnancy and bedrest and specialists/perinatologists and cerclages and the whole thing. Probably more than she wanted to know. But she did ask a lot of questions, so I'll take it that she did want to know. She kept telling me how brave I am.
I don't really feel all that brave. But, like ripping off a bandaid, sometimes you just have to do things. "Life requires great risk in order to get great rewards" is how J put it.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
I cannot believe that this is true, but I got lost today!
Some back-story first (because, as I have come to embrace about myself, I love the back-story).
Heck, I am *this-close* to launching into a story about how I have come to embrace that about myself...but I won't.
Work was delayed two hours due to the snow (and I could go on and on about what a farce it was to even have school today at all...but I won't). The power went out during third period (we only have four classes each day and alternate back and forth from day to day for a total of eight classes, in doing so we are able to have longer class periods). Luckily, my room has two walls that are pretty much all windows so the room is full of light. Third period is my planning period, so I don't teach a class then. My friend Angie does, so I invited them into my room since hers is an interior room and was dark like a cave. She and I team-teach together fourth period and we immediately figured out how we could still have a productive day even without power. But it didn't come to that because the administration decided to have the students remain in their third period class for the rest of the day, even though the power came back on at about an hour before dismissal. (One thing that I will whole-heartedly admit--the back-story isn't always relevant or necessary in order to hear the *real* story...sometimes I am just setting the stage, and sometimes I am just being tangential...hence my complete over-use of parenthesis). Ahem...so anyway...since my fourth period class wasn't going to happen I asked Sheri if I could leave early to return the helium tank and carpet. She is supercool and said yes.
I am so glad that I left work about 20 minutes early, because I ended up doing about an hour of extra driving. Yes, an hour. The first bit of detour happened after I returned the tank, the onramp that used to lead to I5 north off of 38th St now only goes onto Hwy 16...and once I was on it I couldn't get off. So that doesn't count as being lost, I knew where I was the entire time and just had to endure it.
It was after I delivered the carpet that I somehow--I still am bewildered by it all--merged onto the wrong freeway. I was certain that I was merging onto I5 north. I was just there the other day, doing the exact same thing. How could I have gone in the wrong direction? How could I not know where I was? The only way I can make any sense of it all is that it was snowy and the roads were slushy and when I got onto the freeway my attention was on the road ahead of me and the semi trucks that were way too close to me in the next lane. Then as things started to get more into the flow with the traffic and the road was less slushy I was simultaneously lost in thought (baby thinking, no doubt) and listening to the radio...George "W" had a big speech last night so there is a big buzz all about it from all sides of the political spectrum. So my mind was occupied, but it still makes me just flabbergasted that it didn't register in my brain that I wasn't seeing all of the landmarks that I always see. I drive that road 5 days a week and have for 7 years. Of course it did finally trickle down into my brain. The thought was actually this:
"Gee, I don't recognize this stretch of the freeway. That's weird. I've driven this freeway so many times, why don't I recognize it? Is it because I am always on autopilot? If all of the sudden someone plunked me down in this spot right here I honestly don't think I would know where in the hell I am."
So after thinking those thoughts my attention to my surroundings became much more acute. I started seeing signs for roads and yes, even towns, and BINGO--realized that I didn't know where in the hell I was...or how in the hell that happened. So I took the next exit and decided to turn around and head back in the direction I was just coming from (when in doubt, back-track). And low and behold, the opposite direction was I5 north. This just confused me even more. I was sure of one thing, I definitely had not driven south on I5 all that way...but here I was about 20 minutes south and east of Tacoma!
So that was my big adventure today. It was more a mental adventure than anything else.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
I slept in until 10:00! I spent a good deal of time on the phone and on the computer contacting as many people as possible to let them know the event would have to be postponed.
Now we are covered in a light blanket of snow and I really don't know what tonight and tomorrow might bring. The news teaser seems to indicate that it will get worse. But the local news is always so sensationalized when it comes to these things. So, once again I am flippantly thinking "yah, we'll see." The thing about it that really sucks (besides the fact that we are now up to three extra days added to the end of the school year) is that I have a carpet and a helium tank in my car that are supposed to be returned tomorrow. If the snow gets really bad then I will call them again tomorrow and do my best to help them to find sympathy on me.
OK, after writing this next part here I am going back and writing this warning: I go on and on about why my anxiety is so bad when it comes to going to the dentist. If anyone actually chooses to read it, then it is not without being warned. I apologize.
I finally made my dental appointments today! A small victory, I know, but it is something that has been weighing on my mind. The receptionist was so nice and seemed so understanding of my anxiety. She at first wanted to schedule the cleaning and check-up for one two hour appointment but was more than willing to schedule them for different days. I really had made some progress in regard to my fear of the dentist a few years ago. But Dr. Jones just did me in the last time I saw him. I really would have wanted to continue to have him as a dentist, as I felt such a connection to him and his family. He took my wisdom teeth out when I was in my mid 20s and I cleaned his house once a week for a couple of years while I put myself through graduate school (well, the second year I was in grad. school, the first year I was just a poor working girl). I didn't have any insurance, so he was willing to help me out. His wife was so kind, too. And then when my molar had to come out (I had one tooth that simply didn't have a replacement/"adult" tooth under it) he did the bridge. That was traumatic (in order to put in the bridge over the tooth lost, they have to--as I see it--sacrifice the two teeth adjacent to it by whittling them down to tiny nubs and fitting the "false teeth" over it...ugh). He refused to give me any drugs to calm me down, even though I requested them. His response was that it was important for me to get through it on my own. He said that dealing with my fear and anxiety without the aid of drugs would help me to overcome it and therefore would help me out for the rest of my life. Yes, I can see how this might be so. And, in fact, I made it through the initial procedure and did feel a sense of accomplishment and a newfound courage. But then the pain set in. You see, they first have to put a temporary bridge on while the permanent one is being made. The adhesive used to fit the temporary bridge irritated my gums and caused excruciating pain that literally kept me up for two nights before they could see me. Then when they were cleaning up the poor little remains of my two sacrificed teeth in order to fit the permanent bridge they had trouble getting me properly numbed. I complained of the pain and they gave me another shot. It happened again and I'm pretty sure that they tried once more to give me another shot...at any rate, it didn't work. I was in the worst pain of my life. The dental assistant apologized and said that she knew what I was going through as she had recently had a root canal and had a similar situation where they weren't able to get her properly numbed. She said that it hurt worse than natural childbirth, which she had gone through twice. Now, after going through the pain of childbirth myself (and passing a piece of placental tissue that was twice the size of my thumb a couple of months after William's birth) I can say for myself that the pain was worse. Maybe it is because it is right there inside of the head? I wasn't able to go to my "happy place"--wasn't able to focus, breathe, meditate...nothing. And I haven't been back since.
When was that? I shutter to really calculate.
Wow, I wrote a lot about that. Even though I am fully aware of how this blog stuff works now (and that it isn't my own pesonal journal...I mean heck, I have actually purposeflully shared it) I still want to be able to write without (too much) self-consciousness about whether or not it is *interesting*. And yes, I am aware that it is precisely those sorts of self-conscious tangents that are the furthest from being interesting.
After I was up for a while today I was thinking more clearly than I was last night and have come to the conclusion that I will not try to get pregnant this month. I need a good month still of taking my vitamins and whatnot. And I have several projects around the house that I want to do before there is a small being growing inside. Things that involve paint and stain and other things that are not advisable when pregnant.
I went to one of the blogs I visit and found a link to this quiz you can take that tells you what your religious/spiritual beliefs are most in line with. I don't know how yet to create a link to another blog/site/whatever (I will ask Mr. C if he can show me how later).
Here is what it told me:
1. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (92%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (84%)
4. Orthodox Quaker (82%)
5. Reform Judaism (80%)
6. Sikhism (70%)
7. Eastern Orthodox (69%)
8. Roman Catholic (69%)
9. Seventh Day Adventist (66%)
10. Neo-Pagan (65%)
11. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (64%)
12. Hinduism (63%)
13. Orthodox Judaism (63%)
14. Bahá'í Faith (63%)
15. New Age (58%)
16. Secular Humanism (55%)
17. Islam (50%)
18. Theravada Buddhism (50%)
19. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (48%)
20. Mahayana Buddhism (47%)
21. Jainism (44%)
22. Jehovah's Witness (38%)
23. New Thought (38%)
24. Scientology (36%)
25. Taoism (36%)
26. Nontheist (32%)
27. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (27%)
And, even though according to that quiz I am only about 58% aligned with New Age stuff, I also took another quiz that I found while I was bopping around on the blogs. It gave me my results in html code, so this is the first time I have tried to put something like that into a post. I am very curious to see if it will work.
You are The Star
Hope, expectation, Bright promises.
The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised
The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
It worked! Yay! It is so funny that this brings me such joy!
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Today I absolutely had to leave work by 4:00, but it was because I had to go to the party rental shop to get the red carpet, then to the party supply store to get balloons and a helium tank. If I hadn't had to leave to get to these places before they closed then I would have been there pretty late again. There is just so much to do.
We had a final walk-through today and I took all of the kids down to the Gathering Hall and PAC to practice. They did pretty well, and all of the films are done, so I am not freaking out. Some kids were still finishing their display boards, though.
And everyone is buzzing about the weather forcast: snow...strong wind...freezing temps.
Nothing would shock me, considering the way things have already gone during the last couple of months. But I can't get worked up about it.
I am really looking forward to the Film Festival--and am going to try to enjoy it and not get too anxious that everything is running OK. And it will be nice to have it over with and to be moving on.
Tomorrow is a half-day, classes go until 11:00 and then we have professional development for the rest of the day.
I found out that the planning day for the 9th Grade Advisory Team is set for the 25th. This is great, since I had been expecting that it might not happen until February. So now I am able to get things prepared for that day so that I can help those teachers to be able to do their own planning. I am so far beyond done doing it myself.
During the times when I am not busy working my mind has been preoccupied with thinking about having another baby. I actually bought a box of OPKs today. I didn't use them before--didn't need them. I decided to buy them more out of curiosity than anything else. Hopefully I won't really need them this time either. I showed them to Mr. C and I'm not really sure what he thought. He may not really understand what they are, I don't think I've ever talked to him about them--never had a reason to. He would prefer it if we could just relax, go off of birth control, and have a lot of sex--even if, or maybe especially if, it takes a few months. He has no clue what that would do to me emotionally and I know that he wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain it to him. So, despite the way he might want things to go, I am determined to do what I can to get pregnant as soon as we can once we start trying. I've come to the conclusion that February really would be ideal, since it would mean that I would be getting all of the way through the second trimester over the summer. In fact, if my calculations are correct and I ovulate when I think I will, then I will be hitting the 24 week milestone around my birthday. That would be quite a great birthday present!
So there is a part of me that wants to give it a try this month! Or at least, not try not to. Today is the first day of my AF, so the big "O" is only a couple of weeks or so away.
I don't know...I'll see what the Peri says.
I absolutely need to go to the dentist before getting pregnant. Thursday, I swear, I will get home in time to make that call.
OK, peace out.
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Our Best Man, Truman, and his fiance Heather are coming over in about an hour for football (Seahawks are in the playoffs). I think the only football fan is Mr. C, but the rest of us will go along with it just to be social. The house is a bit of a wreck. It won't take long to get it into a presentable state, though.
The film festival is Wednesday and I am so looking forward to it being over. This week was a bit frantic, trying to get all of the films onto dvd format and trying to get all of the details squared away with all of the other work that needs to be done and preparation for the event itself and having things ready. So many details and so much to consider...I hope I am not forgetting anything important. In the past Travis and I always complimented each other so well in regard to getting everything accomplished and accounted for.
I am counting down the days until I see Dr. B. And only 2 pills left in my pack. Will she let me continue for one more month of BCPs before TTC? Will she agree that February is a good month? I need to go and find my list of questions that I have for her so that I am prepared for the appointment. You would think that after a year that I would have the questions memorized, but I know that when I get into the office I will be anxious and will not be able to rely on my brain.
Will we have trouble getting pregnant?
Am I ready?
Mr. C is ready. I can tell. He told me last month (when that pack of pills, which was supposed to be the last, ran out) that he was trepidatious. But he also told me that he feels very strongly that everything will be ok. I wish I had his confidence, or whatever it is that makes him able to say to me "You will go off the pill. We will get pregnant. You will get the cerclage. We will have a baby." All so matter-of-fact, it is at once both infuriating and, somehow, reassuring. He was like that when he had the cancer, too. I'm not saying that he wasn't scared and sad, but once the diagnosis was made and the course of treatment was set, he got very peaceful about it all. And after the surgery he was very clear that it was gone. He went ahead with the radiation treatments, even though he was told that they were optional (there was a more than 90% chance that all of the cancer was gone and that the radiation wasn't necessary), because he felt that it would be silly not to take every precaution available. But he told me that he felt like the cancer was completely gone. He was as sure of the fact that the cancer was there when things started initially pointing in that direction. Doctors were running tests and looking at this and that and he said that he knew what it was--that he could "feel" it.
I don't know that I will ever feel ready. I didn't feel really ready before we got pregnant with William. It was one of those things that I had to take a leap of faith on. Then as soon as I felt the first twinges that I might be pregnant (long before the BFP) I knew with every little part of me that I was ready. It was all that I could think about...my little baby growing inside of me and how happy I was.
Now our house feels so quiet and empty most of the time. I remember having that feeling the summer before we got pregnant with William. We hadn't even decided to try yet and I still thought it would be another year or so away. This flicker of a thought kept coming across my mind that something was missing.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Due to the fact that I have had almost a year to think about what a new pregnancy could have in store (considering the IC) I have got my brain all wrapped around this idea that...
I will have a couple months where I can behave normally (during this time I will also be afraid of miscarriage) before starting to worry that my cervix will begin to shorten and/or funnel or dialate before...
...the cerclage is placed at about 13 or 14 weeks. I am scared of the surgery and of the possibility of infection and anything else that might go wrong. After the cerclage surgery I will be on bedrest for perhaps a week.
And then...it is a bit of a mystery because it all depends on how my cervix does. I will most definately be off my feet and resting as much as possible. And my worry is that the doctor won't put me on bedrest even if my cervix begins to act up, as many doctors are slow to prescribe bedrest. So with this in mind I am inclined to time the pregnancy so that I am on Summer Break during the "danger time," which is from week 18 until week 24. Actually it isn't as though I will be out of danger after week 24--it isn't as though the cervix all of the sudden becomes strong at that point. But that is when the sweet little baby reaches "viability" and has a good chance of surviving if born. Of course no one wants a baby to be born that early, so I will continue to be careful regardless of how the pregnancy has gone up to that point.
And what if it isn't even my cervix? What if I have an irritable uterus? What if I have both?
Less than two weeks now until I see the Peri, Dr. B, and hopefully she will have some answers for me. One of the big burning questions right now is whether or not I really need to go off of the pill for a couple of cycles before TTC. Only 5 pills left in my pack.
I guess I will mention work, since I was dreading it. I will try to keep it short, since it is boring even to myself. I was busy the whole time and didn't even get my desk cleaned off. I am so far away from where I wanted things to be with my art classes that I don't even have the energy to...well even to write much about it. At least my intro. students are making great paintings and my AP students are making really cool deconstructed books. My poor painting students are all so sadly behind...they started their self-portraits today finally and I am so hoping that they will be successful. Sheri came in to tell me that the planning day for the 9th Grade Advisory team she had set-up subs for this month isn't going to happen until next month! Yikes! But it really isn't that bad because Angie came to my rescue today and helped big time by getting all of the paper work virtually completed for the College visit and she even called and left a message with the woman at Seattle Pacific University! She really is amazing, because she did all of that out of the kindness of her own heart. And we did find out today that she and I will get a planning day on the 17th and some extra pay for our Service Learning work that we are doing. Which was an unexpected good thing. I could go on about all of the minutae, but enough is enough.
Monday, January 1, 2007
I won't mope and complain too much about having to go back to work tomorrow. After all, I do love teaching and the kids and all. And every day is one day closer to Summer (ha ha). But seriously, I see myself now as being on the "other side" of the feeling that I have to do "everything"...that the sense of urgency and that it is all up to me to do the things that need to be done is in the past. And that is a really good thing. My desire for rest and to do the things that bring me joy, rather than working an unreasonable amount--doing things that are the responsibility of others, is a healthy desire.
Yesterday I got online and looked at the real estate situation. Things are looking OK out there. Houses are still really high in the Seattle area. The "bubble" may be busting in other parts of the country, but the prices aren't dropping much around here. One thing I feel certain about is that we will move by next fall. I will be thrilled if we are able to buy a house by then. But, if not, then we will move to a different rental--one that is more suitable for a baby.
I like a lot of things about our house right now, but it isn't in the best condition. We've talked about whether or not we would be interested in buying it if she was asking for a reasonable price. Of course we would need a professional inspection and appraisal before we would even consider it. From my non-professional estimation it needs: new windows, a kitchen remodel, a new water heater, bathroom remodels, and the electrical/wiring seems like it needs to be updated (which sounds huge). Actually, to make this house be what we would need (considering our plans for the future) would require doing a fairly extensive remodel. I would want to add on to the house at the front, and possibly adding another level above. This would give room to create more bedrooms (currently the house has two very small bedrooms) and more living space. Anyway, we have been here for over two years and it is time for a change. We absolutely love our neighborhood, though, so it is hard to consider making a change that might take us to a different neighborhood.