Friday, December 3, 2010

The little guy

These pictures are in no particular order and don't really represent any kind of chronology. I think the most recent picture was taken when he was 14 months old...? I need to dump the photos from my camera and my iphone onto my computer. At any rate, I realized that I haven't posted any pictures of the little guy since he was only a few months old.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

inching along

Two days from now it will be the exact (gestational) day that William was born and died. I have an appointment with the high risk specialist tomorrow. While I have no reason to expect anything but good news from the ultrasound I am still a bundle of nerves. Less so than I would be if I didn't have the appointment scheduled. When I was pregnant with Vincent I made the mistake of not scheduling one for the loss week. I was a mess.

We had the "big" ultrasound three weeks ago. They are so thorough, looking at everything...and that darn doctor is so doom and gloom. The baby is fine. But before I got to feel ok about everything he did his best to scare me to death. There is (was?) a cyst on the brain. The u/s tech told me it means nothing and that it will go away. He eventually told me pretty much the same, but not until after he went over all of the chromosomal risk factors and how the cysts sometimes go along with Trisomy 18 (I think this is the one) but that this baby shows none of the other signs. So why not say that to begin with? He also had me worried about the baby's size, telling me that he was concerned that at 10 oz the measurements were a week behind where I should be. I didn't think that sounded small for 19 weeks 5 days, but he just kept bringing it up--saying it might not be significant, but it certainly wasn't insignificant and we would need to keep an eye on things. I got home and checked all of the pregnancy apps on my iphone and then googled it, too, and it is right in the normal range. I talked to my OB about him and without even having to go into all of the details he had the same take on this doctor as I do. But he's the only peri in town. Oh, and I found out that I have (had?) marginal placenta previa. We'll see how that is going tomorrow. I am not worried about it.

And we found out that this is, indeed, a baby girl. I honestly would have been equally happy to find out that it was another boy. It is starting to sink in that we're having a girl, though. So now we are dealing with the whole name thing. We pretty much have decided on what we'll name her and I think I made a mistake by telling people. We kept it a secret with Vincent once we decided (which was pretty late in the pregnancy anyway) and that way no one could give us their opinion since it wasn't up for debate.

Vincent is 19 months old and is talking like crazy now, so many words and phrases. Today I said the name to him and asked him if he could say it. He mouthed it to me a couple of times and then a moment later said it really loud.

*The cyst is gone.
*The placenta is moving up, as expected.
*Baby girl is growing great! 1 lb 4 oz
*We left without setting another appointment. I will talk to my OB, but I think we can monitor my cervix here at the hospital, rather than at the specialist's office.
*Mr. C said a name today that I am now seriously considering. We'll see.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

another tiny bean

I've wanted to post for weeks. But it's the same old thing--hard to find the time to write and then there's the old paranoia. It gets better, but it's still there.

Every milestone, every check point, every little victory...followed by the old familiar fear and the sensation that there's another shoe and it's gonnna drop.

But here we are again.

I had cerclage surgery last Tuesday, just as I started week 16. Everything went well, very well. And now I am recovering and will figure out, each day, how to "take it easy" while being a mom to a very active 18 month old.

We had a hard time getting pregnant with Vincent and expected it to take a while again. Five weeks later, when I finally admitted to myself that my period was a week late, a test from the dollar store confirmed it. It's been a combination of joy, fear, denial, and hope ever since.

Mothership gave me my first P17 shot this morning. One down, twenty more to go. If we make it that far then it will be a week farther than I made it with Vincent. Into the pregnancy, that is, as he was born at week 35. I stopped the P17 shots at 28 weeks with him. Why did I do that? My doctors exhibited very little faith in the shots, so maybe I was influenced by that. I don't know. At any rate, I stopped and a few weeks later my water broke. Interestingly, this time my doctor brought them up on his own. He seems to have had a change of heart about them.

Other than the familiarities of a pregnancy after a loss and all of the high-risk blah, blah, blah--this pregnancy is completely different than my first and second. It's hard not to buy in to all of the old wive's tales and imagine that this time it's a little girl. Time will tell. Of course that is of no real concern to me. Alive, that is all I care about.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Loose ends

Why do people take down their blogs or erase all or most of their posts when they feel like they are "done"?

I just don't get it.

I realize that I haven't posted in so long that this blog is pretty much done. But I think that it will just sit here, even then. Probably a Good-Bye post, if I really do feel like it is over, but still it will exist.

The reason why is that it is a record of where I have been. I no longer reference it, but others may. Over the years I have received many e-mails in addition to the comments that let me know that it has offered something to people out there. So maybe it still will. I know that when I really needed it I found some blogs that helped me keep my head above water. Most of those blogs no longer exist. A couple of them still do.

I understand not blogging anymore. My days are full from beginning to end. It's just the deleting that I don't understand. Maybe someone can help me see why it's done.


That being said, the reason I got online this morning is because it's been bugging me that in my last post I mentioned something that happened and didn't elaborate. I said I'd explain and didn't.

In case anyone out there cares, but mostly just to make myself feel better, I will attempt to explain it now.

I didn't write about it then because it just seemed like something that other people wouldn't understand or would think was strange or maybe even silly. But hey, if that is the case then what can I do about it?

Here is what happened:
Mr. C went to a therapist because he was feeling an intense amount of anxiety. When he was telling her what was going on with him he told her that it might sound crazy, but he had had the distinct feeling like he was under attack. He told her that the feeling had been so strong that he had actually pulled his truck over that day before and just said out loud to leave him alone. She said it didn't sound crazy to her at all. She took out a pendulum and they spent the next hour or so calling any entities that were surrounding him to leave, to go into the light. When they finished with the ones that were surrounding him they asked if there were any surrounding me. I was at home, unaware of what was going on. There were a few, but then there was one that didn't respond as the others had. With more questioning it became clear that this spirit was different. With even more questioning it occurred to them that it was William. He was hanging close to me, to us, to watch over us. They told him that he could go into the light. He did.

This was not a New Age therapist. Not that that matters. I guess you either believe that there is more to us than this physical existence, or you don't. The therapist went on to more conventional practices and has ever since. Mr. C's anxiety improved dramatically within just a few weeks of treatment and he has been doing great since then.


We are well. Busy, but just all the normal-life stuff. I wish I could find time to write and to read blogs, but it just doesn't seem to happen. I miss it and I miss those of you that I feel connected to from this world. I still peek in on you every now and then.

Monday, February 1, 2010

William: 2/1/2006

I just put Vincent down for a nap and am fighting the urge to do chores, etc., as I usually do.

It is hard to believe that four years have gone by. Four years. I have to count them on my fingers to check...yep, it's true.

My days are busy from start to end and "spare" moments are few. Someone said something to me the other day about cherishing the rare moment of silence that comes along and I couldn't help but think that I have been all too familiar with silence...with spare time. I didn't think this in a negative or judgmental way, like I am so enlightened and anyone who doesn't see it the way that I do just doesn't appreciate what they have. No, it was just a matter of fact. My days, hours, minutes are full. I am thankful for what I have.

Vincent is growing and developing like he is in full-speed-ahead mode. It's been like this from the start for him, but since he reached 9 months he seemed to take a quantum leap forward from being a baby to being an almost-toddler. Maybe they all do this and I just don't know because all of the baby stuff is new for me. He is a joy. He is such a lover and so darn happy all of the time. He has a great sense of humor and loves to laugh. That goofy laugh I developed when I was pregnant with him hasn't gone away and he has it, too. I guess I got it from him.

I won't go into all of the details, but something profound happened on Saturday. I don't know if anyone still reads this very inactive blog (nothing to read in almost 5 months!) but if you are interested in the details I will share them through e-mail. At any rate it came to our attention that William had been hanging around to watch over us. He was gently told that we are OK and that he can move on. It hadn't occurred to me that letting go could go both ways. It sounds odd to write it out and in such a brief way, but that is what I am comfortable with right now. I will say that although it happened two days before the date of his birth/death, it wasn't something we went out looking for (not a visit to a psychic or anything).

The pull to do disheslaundryetc. is winning out.