Wednesday, February 28, 2007

the limits of my power

"The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live." -Elbert Hubbard

So the weather has gone crazy again. Here, in Seattle, it is "normal" but in Lakewood/South Tacoma and apparently (according to the radio) in the north end it is all crazy, too. It snows, it hails, then the sun comes out (sometimes while it is still snowing) and then the cycle continues. So far it wasn't sticking, but who knows what the night might bring? I certainly don't. The kids don't want to miss any more days of school. When they saw it snowing they were all "Nooooooo!" Which was funny, since they usually get so excited about it. Now they realize the distinct possibility of going to school into the last week of June or even (shudder) July. Right now I really could care less if we have one more day of school in June and would welcome another day off tomorrow. Too bad it isn't within my power to control the weather...just this once.

I am working hard to distract myself from my *cycle* and it is not easy.

In fact it is very, very difficult.

But I keep at it. AF is due any day now...could be as early as tomorrow, could be not until next Tuesday.

And tonight instead of working on my fun secret project I have to EDIT RESEARCH PAPERS. This is the last one we assign for the year, so after this stack of drafts the light is visible at the end of the tunnel, as "final drafts" are due in a couple of weeks and that is the last of it. It isn't the last of grading papers, but the last of the research papers--which I truly despise above all others. Yes, I'd rather just avoid them. But no matter how hard I try, I can't will them into nonexistance.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

a daring adventure

"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." -Helen Keller

Now there are only two links left on my chain. It's a little weird to see it go--since it was supposed to be counting down the days until I was able to test...

I just got home from the dentist. I am so glad to be home, to have that over. And I am so thankful and happy that it went well. I have had some bad (and that is putting it lightly) experiences in the past with not getting numbed enough. Because of my anxiety I scheduled to have all of the work done in one go--which means that I had work done for two hours. It also means that I am still totally numb on the entire top of my mouth. This seriously sucks, because I cannot even drink with a straw right now. I tried. It didn't work.

So now I am going to go run some errands and try to distract myself from my hunger and thirst. Going out in public like this will be strange, though, because it is difficult to talk and even though it isn't true, I feel like my face is three sizes bigger than normal.

Monday, February 26, 2007

I'd like to thank...

Well last night I defended the legacy and brought home the trophy for the third year in a row. There was a lot of pressure on me to do so, and I lived up to the challenge. This was a difficult year to do it, too, as there were several big upsets. Most notably were the awards for best Supporting Actor (Allen Arkin won--the big buzz was for Eddie Murphy) best Foreign Language film (Pan's Labyrinth did not win, yet it had won for Art Direction, Makeup, and go figure) and best Animated Feature (Happy Feet beat out Cars, which most critics had as their pick). But I managed to choose enough of the awards correctly. Mr. C made me vote for "The Departed" for Best Picture (on my own I would have picked "Little Miss Sunshine") and it turns out he was right. It isn't that he really knew something, it is just that he really wanted Scorsese to win (I was already planning to vote for him for Best Director) and for his movie to win as well. So anyway, I had a good time and it was fun to take home another Oscar to keep the other two company.

And here is the quote for the day:
"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of." -Benjamin Franklin

Sunday, February 25, 2007


"Believe that you have it, and you have it." -Latin Proverb

It is another gray Sunday.

But there are plenty of signs of spring's approach. Little buds on the trees, bulbs just starting to peek out of the ground, a certain smell and quality of the light when the sun does peek through.

I love all of the seasons. I realize that we have very mild versions of the four seasons here, while other places have very distinct differences in them (and others, like where the in-laws live, have pretty much two seasons: hot and cold). But I have lived in the Northwest my entire life, and I have come to know and love the subtleties of our seasons.

It isn't easy for me to choose a favorite. When asked I do say that it is summer. This is true because I love the long days and the fact that I have some time off of work then...and the time has this quality to it that I long for during other parts of the year--fewer clothes, relaxed sense of time..."the livin' is easy."

But by the time fall rolls around each year I am able to welcome it without too much sadness. School starts when the days are still pretty long and the weather is still very agreeable. Things don't really start changing until later into September, and often we continue to have plenty of sunshine and warm days well into October. Then the air starts to get crisp and the colors change. Fall always has this sense of "newness" for me. A sense of fresh starts. This has to do with the new school year, I am sure, and I enjoy being a teacher because of this. The new school year always starts with such opimism and this gives us momentum to get us through the longest and most intense part of the school year--the first semester.

The edging into winter is more subtle since it generally doesn't snow here. The days get very short, and the leaves are gone from the trees...but late fall and early winter pretty much look and feel the same. It is the holiday season that really ushers in the change. After Thanksgiving is over it is like we step across an invisible line from fall into winter. I used to celebrate the solstice as well as Christmas. Now I just acknowledge it quietly/personally. Maybe when we have children I will celebrate it again.

And here we are again...late winter and the first signs of spring are starting to make themselves known--seen, smelled, heard. My father told me once that this time of year is often depressing for him. The reason why is that it is quite common for us to have "sunbreaks" (a term I am sure is only used in the Northwest--or only in places that are known for this abundance of rain). So we go for days and days with nothing but rain, rain, rain. And we don't lament--because this is just how it is and we are used to it. But then the sun will come out, and the sky is so blue and bright and you can see for is like the world opens up and becomes ten times bigger. Where my father lives it is so beautiful--the Olympic mountains in his back yard and the Straights of Juan de Fuca (with Victoria, BC on the other side) off in the distance as his view from the front yard. So this sense of the world opening up when the sky is clear is far more intense there. On days when you get this glimmer of what the world is beyond all of the rain clouds you cannot help but be uplifted. However, the moment is fleeting, and when it is gone it can leave you feeling down. And this cycle can go on for months. It is not uncommon for June to be one of the wettest and/or grayest months of the year.

Well, Mr. C is up now and it is time for the Sunday rituals. It is hard to have the coffee brewing and not have any of it!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

far away in the sunshine...

"Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." -Louisa May Alcott

Last night Mr. C and I went to a show at the Sunset. Our friends were having their CD release party and it was quite a show. The band is called The Rodeo and they play what I guess you could describe as country-esque music. But they are not really country music guys. Two of them are old friends of Mr. Cs, one used to be the bass player for the drop and the other is a producer who has recorded their albums. The music is fun, kitchey...and the crowd really gets into it. Lots of whiskey drinking going on among the band and the crowd (they do this whole whiskey baptism thing). So we were out really late. As a result I slept pretty late today as well and ended up being late for my appointment with Tiffany. But I wasn't too terribly late and she went into her lunch time a little bit for me.

And I've spent most of the day working on my secret project. I am more than half way done with it and it is coming along really well. This makes me so happy. As a result though I didn't do any of the work that I took home with me. Oh well. I really hate having to do work on the weekend, since I work so hard during the week.

Tomorrow is Bob's big party, and I have done some research for my ballot, but I don't know that it will be enough to bring home another trophy for us this year. I guess we'll see...

Friday, February 23, 2007

all I've got

"First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." -Epictetus

This is what I have to offer for now.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

some good things

"The power of imagination makes us infinite." -John Muir

Yesterday during my AP class, instead of doing all sorts of mundane things that need to be done, I painted. It started off innocently enough--as I was tidying up and organizing I found myself looking through the cabinet where the painting students keep their work. A few students didn't continue with the class this semester, so I took their canvases out to make room for the new students. One painting was in oil and it was not very successful, and I know this student will not return for her freaky-eyed portrait. So in a burst of inspiration I started covering it with paint. Now it is the underpainting to a wild landscape. I'm letting it dry for a few days before I continue. I was working on it when the AP students started coming in and I didn't stop until the period was almost over (only brief interruptions when they needed my feedback or help with something).

Today I had the joy of watching brilliant young minds ponder some big questions about our world. And the superintendent of our district happened to come into the room while we were in the middle of things (she was in a meeting next door and needed to borrow a dictionary). She stopped in her tracks and started asking one of my students questions about what we were doing. That was kind of cool.

And tomorrow is much as I hate to wish time away, I sure do appreciate the weekends.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

ash wednesday

"Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true."-Leon J. Suences

Today is the first day of Lent, and I gave up coffee/Starbucks. I was fine in the morning--I'm never really awake until after 10:00 anyway (when my second class is getting over) so it is really my afternoon trip to Starbucks that I missed.

I kept myself busy last night with my secret project and finishing watching season 2 of The L Word. I'm loving that show. I don't have Showtime, though, so when I get caught up I am going to be sad.

Sunday is the big Oscar party at Bob's. It is his huge thing each year and for the last two years Mr. C has taken home the trophy for being the "Prediction Champion." This year I will be the lone representative for us because the drop has a show. So I guess I better get onto one of those sites and start studying. I am actually serious about that. It doesn't matter how many of the nominated films you have seen or how much you are into the whole film-thing, the only way to win a contest like this is to study. Who knows who will win the award for best editing, best sound, best animated short...? Um, well Roger Ebert, that's who. Why does it matter? It really doesn't, but after two years running with a trophy in the house (there really are actual trophys...they are on the shelf next to me along with 2 for marathons, one for bowling (Mr. C) and several awards he has won at work. Yep. I have them all together on one shelf and they keep each other company.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


"Nothing is predestined: the obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings." -Ralph Blum

Back to work today. I didn't want to go. But this is a short week, since we were off yesterday. Tomorrow is my "gold day" (we alternate days--and our school colors are green and gold...I always think it is funny that we have a "green day" since that is the name of a band and slang for smoking out...but I digress...) I love the gold days because the classes that I teach are fan-frickin-tastic. The classes that I teach on green days are fine, but on gold days I teach one section of Exploring Art (the intro/foundations class) and the kids in that particular class are loves...I also teach Drawing & Painting (I know I have already expressed my extreme love of painting) and I teach Advanced Placement Studio Art. I am so sorry if I have already covered this ground. I have this distinct feeling that I am repeating myself.

I got quite a lot of work done on my secret project yesterday. Yay. I will write about it once it is finished.

So the pms symptoms are kicking in again. Yes, I realize it is only a couple of days post-ov, but they are. Argh.

39 days until spring break.

Oh heavens, I am beginning to realize that my goal to write every day may have been a big mistake...

Monday, February 19, 2007


"Hope is the dream of the waking man." -French Proverb

I am home to sleep in a bit.

I no longer feel like I am on the verge of tears. I finally let them out last night, and allowed myself to open the conversation again with Mr. C. I am glad that we talked. There are no easy answers, this isn't easy. But we love, and that is the key.

All in good time. And I need to relax and allow myself to focus on other things. I know I've said this before, so I am sorry if I sound like I am going in circles. But I don't feel like I am.

I have a secret project that I am working on and today I am going to go out and get some things that I need in order to take it to the next step. I have a limited time to get it completed, so that is good. I work well when I have a deadline.

It is a gray day today. We've been having bright, sunny days lately that feel like Spring. I love Spring. That bright yellow-green color is one of my favorites. I don't mind the gray days at all, though. I don't find them to necessarily be gloomy, I suppose partly because I am a Northwest girl, and also because to me they just feel like "neutral"...and I love the way that when you look out you cannot really tell what time of day it gives the day a sense of timelessness.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

I have to have hope

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

We just got home from Tacoma--a song (called "Upside Down") from the drop's second album, Iceland, was used in an independent film called "Limbo" that was premiering tonight at The Grand Theatre. The film was was a nice attempt, but it was just bad. I feel a little mean saying that, but it is my true assessment. It is cool though that they used the song. I love the song, which is about feeling like your life is not where you want it to be, that things are bleak...but it ends on a positive, hopeful note.

I will take the links off of the chain still, and include the quotes in my posts, but I won't be counting the days. Since tomorrow (actually today) is the big "O," then there will be 11 to 16 days until AF again...then another cycle. What will change in that amount of time? How will Mr. C be feeling about things? I don't know. All I can do is have hope that things will start to feel better for him.

I found this magnet with the Eightfold Path on it when Debra and I were browsing through shops in West Seattle. Mr. C and I actually met in an Eastern Religions class back in college.

The Four Noble Truths (the foundation):

1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment to desires.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable and requires the release of attachment to desires.
4. Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the Eightfold Path.

The Eightfold Path:

Right Views: Accepting the Four Noble Truths
Right Intentions: Selflessness and love
Right Speech: Avoiding lies and maliciousness
Right Conduct: Nonviolence, honesty, temperance
Right Livelihood: Work that doesn't violate path
Right Effort: Promote good and prevent evil
Right Mindfulness: Attentiveness in your thoughts and actions
Right Concentration: Meditation

Saturday, February 17, 2007

I give up

CD 9? Um...I guess I was wrong to start over in the counting (didn't count the days I was spotting and started over at CD 1 when I started the real bleeding) because I got a positive OPK and EWCM plus some ovulation pains. So that makes today CD 14 afterall. And Mr. C tells me (after I inform him that I am about to ovulate) that he is really scared and feeling a lot of pressure and isn't ready. He wants to feel as excited about it as I do, and doesn't. So what is there to do? I feel sad, and scared too, and I have to just trust that things will all be OK. He is my husband, and first and foremost our relationship must be considered. I am worried, though, that it may be difficult for us to ever really be in exactly the same place. But we must be able to be closer on it than we are now. And, as he said, we may have it sorted out for us since we did BD last night...neither of us knew I was about to O, I thought it was still a week away. Ugh.

Here's my quote for today:
"The end of wisdom is to dream high enough not to lose the dream in the seeking of it." -William Faulkner

I love Faulkner, he is one of my favorite writers. This is a fitting quote.

Let go, let go, let go.

I feel like I need to just give up. This is not something that I can control, and trying to do so is just putting more pressure on Mr. C, which is not good. He has enough pressure on him as it is.

the skylark

Here are some pictures from the drop show tonight. They played at a place called the Skylark. It used to be called Maddison's and the band (different band, before they were the drop...I think that was when they were Glossolalia or perhaps also when they went back to being called Painted Sun for a while) practiced in the basement there and played shows there about once a month or so.

Here's a picture of little Debra and Bob. And there's a couple of Mr. C and me. I know my face is cut off in one, but I like the picture anyway. I got a hair cut today, but you can't really see my hair in this picture... Mr. C likes the other picture, so I am including it as well. The drop played a fantastic show. Everything sounded great, and I love the new songs.

Friday, February 16, 2007

busy...but in a good way

CD 8
"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake." -H.D. Thoreau

No time to write a proper post right now, but maybe later...

Mr. C has a show tonight and my sweet friend Debra and I have just stopped by the house for a bit before heading back out to hear him play.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

a better day

CD 7
"Those who dream by night wake to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous...for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible." -T.E. Lawrence

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

he always does this

We didn't end up going to get Mr. C's glasses fixed because he just wanted to relax at home with me. When he came home he knocked on the door and said "I forgot my key!" and when I opened it he was holding a bouquet of roses and then he presented me with a card and not one but three different kinds of chocolate.

He is sweet. I am lucky.

Happy Valentine's Day

CD 6
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." -H.D. Thoreau

Mr. C is on his way home and we are heading out to see if we can get his glasses fixed--apparently he broke them just a little while ago. He had planned to work late again, so we have put Valentine's Day on hold for a little bit. Friday night the drop has a show at the Skylark so we said we'd do something Saturday. He remembered later, though, that Saturday night is the premier of this indie film that has a drop song in it ("Upside Down" is the name of the song, I don't know the name of the film). So we shall see what happens.

I got some nice little treats at work today. Both Angie and Melissa delivered Valentine sweets and a few students gave me cards or candy. So sweet. I told my first period class they could make valentines in addition to their work, but didn't set it up right (work first, valentine afterward) and they all just dove on the valentine-making and didn't complete their work. They were having so much fun, though, that I wasn't about to stop them. Sometimes fun is important...most of the time, really.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

tread softly

During my first few years of teaching I would get sick every time we had a break. It's like I could hold it together because I had to, but then when I could rest my body would just fall apart. This happened almost as soon as Mothership and I got on an airplane to Europe during the mid-winter break of my second year of teaching. I coughed and sniffled my way through the Tower of London, The Louvre, Notre Dam, The Muse D'Orsay...etc.

Perhaps that is what is happening now only it isn't so much a physical sickness, since I am (other than the lack of rest) taking pretty good care of myself. Well, I take that back. Now that I see it in writing I have to face the fact that it simply isn't true. The truth is that perhaps in comparison to many other people, I have been taking good care of myself. But I am not other people and the reality is that I require some extra care. I don't know why (maybe I have my parents to blame for this one) but I have a delicate system. I don't just eat healthfully because it is "what is right," I do it because if I don't then I feel like crap. And, truth be told, I require at least 8 hours of sleep each night (this one I cannot blame on Dad, since he can do 4 or 5 most nights and be fine...Mom can easily sleep 12 a night, though). If I don't eat enough (which has been the case lately) then my blood sugar levels get really low and it impacts both my mood and my sense of physical well-being, which right now feels shot.

OK, so I've established that I am possibly feeling so crappy not only for emotional reasons, but for physical ones as well. It really is the whole chicken-and-egg thing...not to be too cliche, but "I don't eat because I don't feel good, then I don't feel good because I don't eat"...or was it the other way around?


Today is CD 5
"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams." -W.B. Yeats

What a nice quote, I like that one a lot.

I am home "early" today. Oh, I read something yesterday that was a throw-back to my New Age/Metaphysical days (not that they are totally behind me, but back in my hippy college days I was pretty into all of that stuff) and it made me think about the power of our words. So today I was thoughtful about the words I use and paid attention to how I answer people when they ask me how I am and stuff. Sure, the answer is that I am tired and feel like crap. But does it really help to go on and on about it? I just thought of it because I did leave work at a reasonable time today (it wasn't technically anywhere near early). I was in Sheri's office just before I left and when I said goodbye she said something nice and positive about me leaving then.

Monday, February 12, 2007

a mess

I am a mess. I'm going to bed soon if I can pull myself together long enough to put on my jam jams and brush my teeth. Just a sobbing mess. I feel like I am falling apart.

Nothing in particular, just feel like I can't do anything anymore. It's that "pause" feeling, only so much stronger...painful.

I wanted to leave work "early" today...I actually had myself believing that I could do it as I drove in to work this morning. But then that is not how it worked out. Grades had to be entered into the gradebook and it just took far longer than it seemed like it should have. And Mr. C called me on my cell to tell me he would be working late and then off to band practice. And that just made me feel sunk. I was bringing him home a pizza, too. So I called him from the car and he said to come by work. We visited while he caught up on his e-mailing. He wants to quit his job...wants to start his own business. I want him to do it if that is what he wants to do. Yes, it is risky. But life is too damn short to stay doing things you'd rather not do. I feel like we've hardly seen each other lately and I feel like it is my fault for working so many hours.

I hate this. I feel like a big baby, and I want to be held and rocked and told that everything will be ok.

Why is this hitting me now?

Why did I have to inherit this tendency toward anxiety? Honestly, I could really do without it. I appreciate the fact that it isn't worse, I do not need medication and it doesn't inhibit me from living a productive life...But when it does hit me it feels like it is ripping me to shreds.

OK. My word for tomorrow will be "no." No to everything and anything extra that anyone might ask of me. No, I cannot help you with that. No, you will need to find someone else to take care of that. No, I have too much to do already.

Mothership (that is Mr. C's mom) is coming to stay the night tomorrow. I don't know if he knows this yet. She called last night and said that she might be overnight, but I SWEAR she said she would get a hotel room. Now she is saying (in a message she left us on voicemail) that she will be staying on our couch. I'm really not sure how I feel about it and I don't know how Mr. C is going to feel about it either. Somethimes she is just so much to handle.

Here is my quote for the day (I am back to taking links off of my chain...I put it back together with the new cycle since it didn't start as early as I had thought).
CD 4:
"No man is happy who does not think himself so." -Publilius Syrus

Alright...think. think. think.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

another sunny sunday

Once again it is Sunday, and I find myself wishing for "just one more day" of the weekend. Next weekend, however, will be a three-day weekend (Monday the 19th is President's Day).

Perhaps that feeling will dissipate now that I am on my campagne to work fewer hours (not a new campagne, of course, but now that the BIG work to get rid of the work has been undertaken, the results should be beginning to take effect).

And my list of things that I would rather be doing with my time is long and very personally fulfilling. Yay. Not the least among them is PAINTING. I have several paintings started, so there is no lack of ideas in this regard. I know that I have said it before, but I LOVE painting. I will post some of my paintings soon.

And then there is the book (I've written about it before, the deconstructed/altered book that I am making for William). And other books that I want to make. I get all butterfly-in-the-stomache feeling, giddy, when I think about it. I love mixed-media work probably as much as I love painting, just in a different way. Painting is a passion and a love that appeals to my need to do things that are challenging make something that is at once creative and *beautiful* while also being a *likeness* (this is especially so when it comes to a portrait). But mixed-media work and things that are more "crafty" appeal to my sense of fun and art-for-arts-sake...making things that just flow from my heart and mind and hands. If left to my own devises, I would make art all day long. When I was in college, during my last two years of undergrad, I was able to do this. I lived in a studio apartment by myself. I used the large closet for my bedroom (I slept mostly during the daytime, since I was primarily nocturnal, so this worked really well) and the majority of the space in the apartment was covered with ART...canvases and sculptures, and drawings and photographs everywhere. I pretty much ate, drank, breathed, and slept art. Not something I could sustain at that level, since I am such a social person (not in the party-girl-going-out sort of way, just need to have human contact and feel like I am interacting in meaningful ways with people, hense my chosen career).

I also have some projects that I want to do around the house...little things that I want to get done soon, just in case we catch the egg sooner rather than later.

Well, work still exists, so I better finish that grading now before I travel off to sleepyville.

Oh, and not as an afterthought or anything, but I probably should note that today is a very significant day. Today is my Father's birthday. It is also the anniversary of William's burial/funeral. We had mass at a Catholic Cemetary where he is buried in the Guardian Angel section.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

since feeling is first

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

-e.e. cummings

on the other side

I actually did doze off last night when I was in the process of writing that little post.

I read somewhere that it is a "blog rule" not to blog about work. Well, I am feeling the need to get this next part out, so I am giving fair warning that it is about work. Unfortunately, work has been such a gigantic part of my life that it seems that if I didn't blog about it I wouldn't be blogging about my life.

I am feeling this huge sense that I am DONE. The Film Festival is DONE. First semester is DONE (I still have to finish grading the Research Papers that are sitting here next to my chair, but...). Last night Angie stayed extremely late to help me finish moving things from Linda's room, so that is DONE (I will not write/rant about the evil that was done by the teacher moving into Linda's room except to say tht she didn't check with me about whether or not I was done, and threw away things that she had no business to throw away...things that are irreplaceable). I am officially no longer "responsible" for the 10th Grade Advisory and am 99.9% DONE with the 9th Grade Advisory. Hallelujah! Of course there is still a lot to do, my art classes grew so now I have more than 30 new students to get to know and be responsible to. And Contemporary Studies is still a lot of work, but from here to the end of the year is much different than the first semester...we are in a groove, there (unfortunately) are fewer students to manage, and there is not a big event to plan (besides Exhibitions, but that will not be the same as the film festival).

I am feeling this sense that I can start to breathe a little easier now, relax a little more now, focus on my "real life" now.

So that is what I will go do. Now.

sleep...I need sleep

I realize that the past few posts have been the most mundane daily recordings, and almost exclusively consist of reports of where I am, or am not, in my cycle.

But I don't yet have it in me to write much of anything else. I am, once again, so tired that I can barely see straight....what was I writing again?

Today is officially CD 1, since I finally started bleeding for real. And it was 16 dpo, which is still in the "normal" range.

I guess I will adjust my chain says i should be on 6 dpo.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

tomorrow is Friday

I am so tired I can hardly think straight. I plan to go to bed soon. Still no AF...I have half a mind to test, even though I am CERTAIN I am not pregnant. The spotting could have been implantation bleeding...but seriously, I know what it feels like to be pregnant.

"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action." -B. Disraeli

I know this is a lame excuse for a post, but there it is.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Film Festival: Great Success!

"You're happiest when you're making the greatest contribution."
-Robert Kennedy

The Film Festival is finally over! And it went GREAT! It was a great sucess, as Borat would say. The turn-out was much better than I had expected (it looked like between 150 and 200 attendees). And the event itself went smoothly, the kids did just great. Everything looked really good, the films were well received...good.

And I am so tired. Today ended up being a highly emotional day, too, so I am just exhausted.

Still no AF.

OK, time to sleep.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I think I rather like satisfying my desires...

Now that I read it again, today's quote kind of sucks:
"I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than attempting to satisfy them." -John Stuart Mills

Don't get me wrong, it is not that I can't see the wisdom in it, it just doesn't sound like much fun.

Grades are done! No, not 100% done (we were given a bit of extra time for the seniors so that we can enter the film festival grades in as first semester grades) but most of the way done. Done enough to be pretty darn happy now.

Dash found me...what can I say? Maybe I was in denial, definitely smug, but I did think it would take much longer. What was that hint I gave? Hmmmm...well, that's just fine I guess. I like Dash.

I had to go to the dentist today. I really loath the dentist (in general, not was the first day I really met the guy). He took me into this room before they did my full set of x-rays and did the exam. He talked to me about my experiences and some thoughts he had based on my initial x-rays and whatnot. It went well. It isn't going to be inexpensive...I have insurance, but it still costs quite a bit. But it is necessary, so I will do what needs to be done. He seems like a pretty cool guy, too. He is a painter, and a good one at that. He showed me four paintings that he as up in his office. He paints in acrylic on plexiglass--mostly using reverse painting techniques. Very gives the paintings this mysterious quality with so much depth.

Lots of new students, from Linda's classes. I hate that thing I have to do to set the "tone" with new students. It isn't as though I have to act that differently, it is just...a lot of work mentally to be's hard to explain. Not only do I have to make everything so over-the-top clear (they don't know all of the classroom routines and expectations, like the other students do, so I cannot speak in any sort of vague terms or even specific terms that they just don't know yet) and I also want to get to know them and for them to get to know me, so I end up spending a lot of time going from person to person making small talk and asking them questions. And, of course, setting behavior expectations too (yes, I am I really do mean it;yes, I am nice--but no, you cannot take advantage of me or get away with that bullshit).

Still just spotting. But it is still only 13 dpo so I'm not beyond the range of normal. No, not obsessing, just keeping a record.

I picked up the helium tank and carpet again today. Now just as long as it doesn't snow tonight...

Monday, February 5, 2007

i hate grading

Very quick post since I worked so late today that I only JUST GOT HOME ten minutes ago. The two days that I took off of work happened to be the last two days of the semester...and grades are due tomorrow...and the Film Festival is Wednesday...and I could go on, but my point has been made.

Today's quote:
"There is only one way to happiness
and that is to cease to worry about things
which are beyond the power of our will."

My chain says today is CD2, but I am still only spotting so I don't think I can truly call this cycle over.

Jackson is being feisty...I think he wants me to go to bed so he can cuddle at my feet. Mr. C says that he is guarding me when he does that.

ok, I must sleep now.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

may my heart always be open to little birds

I hereby promise to myself that I will not turn this blog into the rantings of a woman who is obsessed with making a baby. This is not to say that I will not post daily, and will not chronicle my experiences to some extent. But I cannot let myself be consumed by all things "TTC." January was my practice month, and look how that turned out.

I made a chain with a link for each day of this month. It is an idea that I got from a woman on bedrest, as a coping mechanism to get throught the seemingly endless days and weeks. I did this for a slightly different reason, though, as 28 days is far from endless...

But each day is a precious gift that we have, and allowing myself to focus and obsess on OPKs and BDing and DPO and luteal phase length...and "am I?" or "am I not?" just has this terrible possibility inherent in it of sucking the very life force out of me. Which contradicts the very purpose of trying to make a create life.

I made the chain to remind me of that, and to help me to obsess less on which day it is and what CD I am at and if we should BD or not and all of that...I labeled each day for all of that information so that I will know. I can look at each day's link and it just says that on it. I also wrote highlights for each day as they applied (special events occurring and whatnot). And I wrote a quote on each one. I will include the quotes in my posts. I suppose I ought to start with today's quote (from now on I will put them at the start of my post).

"Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances."
-Benjamin Franklin

I realized something else today as I was looking for one of my favorite poems. The poem is by e.e. cummings, my favorite poet (his poem "i carry you in my heart" is one that reminds me of William...I put it in a previous post somewhere). The poem is "may my heart always be open to little birds" and Mr. C and I included it in our wedding program. It is on a the wall in our kitchen and I look at it almost every day. I wanted to have an electronic copy of it, so I was looking for it online. My search led me by accident to a blog titled "little birds" which is an artist's blog. I linked from it to another artist's blog (the sister of the "little birds" woman). I was inspired by this woman. Not necessarily by the work she does (although I like it a great deal) but by how prolific she is. And she works a full-time job (in education, no less) but she makes time for her art.

I am an artist. I am not saying that in the sense that makes Mr. C (an amazing musician, by the way) want to vomit. He abhors it when someone declars him/herself to be an artist. I am not declaring it in that way, as though it makes me important or significant. I am stating it as a simple fact: I am an artist. Just as I might say that I am a woman, or a mother, or a teacher...

But I allow myself very little time and space to create art. Here is my lame excuse: I don't have the time. The kind of art that I create takes TIME. Oh, but I do have time (just look at how much time I spend with this laptop, blogging and reading/replying to messages on the boards...)

I have time. But I haven't been spending it doing art's the truth that I don't want to face but I will...Art allows me to feel deeply and even though I know I have allowed myself to feel deeply since I lost William I am scared of the chasm it feels like I will fall into if I allow myself to feel as deeply as painting allows me to feel.

I love painting. I would rather paint than do just about anything.

I, for the life of me, now that I see it in black and white like this, cannot think of a good reason (besides the chasm-thing) of why I would not allow myself to do something that I love so intensely.

So I will.

Here is the poem, then. I suppose it would be silly not to post it considering the importance it played in my self-revelation that I had today.

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

-e.e. cummings

here we go!

It looks like AF is here. I wasn’t expecting it until the 6th or 7th. Since I ovulated on CD 15 (which was the 24th) this means that my luteal phase was 10 or 11 days long. I’m trying not to worry about it being too short and there being something wrong (short luteal phase is linked to low progesterone or something wrong with the follicle--resulting in lack of progesterone). Technically, the luteal phase should be from 10 to 14 days, so it is within the normal range. I got pregnant before, and I will do it again.

So today is CD 1 and I am OFFICIALLY TTC!!! Hopefully I won’t drive myself (and everyone else) crazy all month. An ovulation calendar I found online gave me the following information (the last one I printed in a post had my cycle starting on the 7th).

2/04/07 - First day of your cycle
2/15/07 - A little bit fertile
2/16/07 - Fertile
2/17/07 - VERY fertile
2/18/07 - Time to ovulate

2/28/07 - A home pregnancy test may work now.

3/04/07 - End of cycle
3/07/07 - No period? Maybe you're pregnant!
11/11/07 - If you are, this is your approximate due date.

I will use the OPKs again and the Sperm-Meets-Egg Plan (BD every other day from CD 8 until pos OPK, then every day until a day after ovulation, skip a day, then do it one last time for good measure). Plus I also have the Pre-Seed to use as well. And I will NOT test until the 28th at the earliest.

OK, deep breath. Take it one day at a time.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

gray, rainy Saturday

Today is a quintessential Northwest day: gray and rainy. The sky is bright, like the possibility that the rain might stop and the clouds might burn away is not entirely unthinkable. Not that I mind one way or the other what the weather does. I got up and drove to Green Lake to meet Erin for a walk this morning. Silly me, I got the time wrong and arrived an hour early. Of course I was running late as usual, so if I had had the time correct then I would have been 15 minutes late. This afforded me time to drive over to the other side of the lake to the Starbucks, though, and then I just sat in my Jeep looking at the lake while I waited for her. The rain didn't actually start until we were almost done with our walk, and even then it wasn't raining hard yet, so we didn't have to be wet for long. It sure was nice to spend time with Erin. She is going to San Francisco in a couple of weeks for a recruitment fair for teaching abroad. She is very excited about it...and I am excited for her. It will be a two-year contract though and I will miss her terribly! She will come back for visits, but still.

I have an appointment with Tiff today for a massage. This is one of the best things in life, truly. I also have to finish grading today--and I have a full file box with final drafts of research papers...definately not one of the best things in life. I can safely say that I HATE editing papers. That is one of the reasons why I choose not to be an English teacher, actually. But since I teach integrated Humanities it does require teaching writing in addition to everything else.

I'm feeling 99% sure that I am not pregnant now. Yesterday when I was out running errands I stopped in at the Bartells and bought a HPT though. It was one of the two-for-one deals, so that means that I have three tests in the house now. But I am kind of thinking that I won't test at all unless AF doesn't show on Wednesday...why waste a test?

And so it goes...

Friday, February 2, 2007

testing...take one

I said that I was going to post every day for the whole month, so now I have to follow through on that. I think it will be a short post, though, because I'm not feeling inspired to write much.

This morning I took a HPT. Sometimes I just marvel at how silly I can be, though, because I somehow got it in my head once again that today is 10 dpo when since I ovulated on the 24th then today is actually 9 dpo. Needless to say, it was a BFN. I've decided that I will allow myself to test again on Sunday and if it is BFN again then I will wait until after AF is due. But I am so on the fence about if I really feel pregnant or not. It so sucks that premenstrual symptoms are so similar to early pregnancy symptoms.

But I am at a new place with it all now. First I was freaked out that I MIGHT be pregnant (not upset, because of course I would be delighted to be pg because I want to have another baby). Then I was getting myself freaked out that I MIGHT NOT be pregnant because I had gotten myself all excited about it (funny how when your body is sending you so many strong feelings that mimic the feelings of being pregnant that you just get into the mindset of actually BEING pregnant). But here is where I am now: if I am pregnant then I will be happy (elated, scared, etc.); if I am not pregnant then I will be just fine--and looking forward to some fun days ahead of trying. Yes, I did say fun. One thing that Mr. C and I have always been right there with each other about is sex. I believe that it is an important part of our healthy marriage and I feel lucky that we are so compatible.

I had thought that if/when I saw the BFN I might be sad. It didn't have that affect on me at all. Primarily because it is so early to test (even when I had myself fooled into thinking today was 10 dpo, I know that it is awful early to test) and also because we weren't even trying, so it was a long-shot at best.

I am glad to know that regardless of what the pg situation is, my body was for sure working after being on the pill. My ovulation pain was intense. And all of the other pains and pinches and whatnot are most likely from my body producing progesterone and whatnot. Good.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

flowers for our William

We took it easy today and did things at a pretty slow pace, so our trip to the cemetary was later than we had originally planned. It was a beautiful day today, and as the sun was setting the light was so pretty.

To My Sweet William...

My sweet baby boy…I miss you so much. I know now that I always will, that no amount of time will make the fact that you are gone easier.

Today is the day, one year ago, that you were born…too soon, but we had to accept that you were coming and somehow find the strength to say hello and goodbye to you in the same breath. Your birth was joyful, despite the extreme and utterly painful sadness of it all. Daddy and I love you with more love than our hearts could ever hold. You are our beautiful and precious son, and we treasure the short time that we had to be with you—both before and after you were born.

In the days leading up to today I have found myself brought back by memories of the days leading up to your birth and death. At times these memories have been so strong that it was difficult to loosen the grip that they had on my heart and mind. I’ve found myself once again asking “what if?” and “why?” Even though the doctors have answered both of those questions time and time again and I know exactly why, and that there was nothing that I could have done to save you…I still hurt inside sometimes and wish that I could change things. I would give anything to have you here with us.

I allow myself to imagine what things would be like if my body hadn’t betrayed us all, if you had been allowed to continue to grow inside of me until you were truly ready to be born. You were so healthy and strong, that I know you would have continued to be a big baby. You looked so much like your Daddy, and when I look at pictures of him as a baby I feel like I am looking into your face. We never saw your eyes William, but I know they were that crystal blue color of your Daddy’s eyes. I do look at babies that are the age you would be and think of you—of all of the things that you would be doing now, of all of the things that our family would be doing. I also look at little boys of varying ages, little boys with their Mommies sharing that special bond. I see little boys with their Daddies and think of all of the things that your Daddy wanted to share with you, things that he will forever miss. And I see little boys playing or running around, and I think of how much joy you would have brought into this world…a joy that the world is missing, even if most people aren’t aware that you are gone. I allow myself to think of these things often and I know that I will never stop doing this.

Most of the time, however, I am not thinking of sad thoughts of you—of what was, but is painful to remember, or of what should have been. Most of the time my thoughts of you are much more peaceful and full of warmth. You are always with me, always in my heart, right there as I go about my life. I carry you with me constantly.

Love and more kisses than you can imagine,