Monday, January 29, 2007

my heavy heart

I have that falling apart feeling again. I just want to go to sleep, and to sleep for a long time. I know I’ve said it before, but I wish that I had a pause button that I could push and just catch up on my life later. Not now. I don’t have it in me to do all of this right now. Work, home, anything just takes way too much energy right now and I don’t feel like I have it in me to do any of it.

Last night it occurred to me that my fear and anxiety that I might be pregnant had actually morphed into fear and anxiety that I might NOT be pregnant. Yes, I know: Duh. But it really did occur in one of those light-bulb moments. I was about to go to bed and I was putting away the laptop or something and I had this thought like: Oh, I’m feeling sad because the “feelings” have dissipated…I am so anxious because I really want to be pregnant, and I probably am not. Now I fully realize that we hadn’t even started trying yet, so it is not as though we had “done everything right” and I still didn’t get knocked up. I can understand if I were upset that that had happened. But here we were, not even trying and I have myself all in worked-up about it.

And I am missing William so badly today. I am carrying around so much pain, it is right there on the surface and everyone can see it.

A year ago today...Mr. C was reading silly things from the Chuck Norris website ("Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried." "Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.", etc.) you can find them at http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck
and my back was hurting and things "just didn't feel right" and instead of it all making me laugh it just annoyed me. I didn't go to the hospital. The on-call doctor told me to take 600 mg of ibuprophin and go to bed, that if the contractions (yes, she said they were contractions) increased to come in. Maybe if Mr. C had been home he would have insisted that we go in? Or maybe not. Would it have made a difference if we had gone then? Would 22 hours have made enough of a difference to save William's life? I used to ponder questions like that a lot.

That night in bed I woke up to Mr. C holding my belly and talking to the baby. He had given him a really good kick...it was the first (and as it would turn out, only) time that Mr. C felt him kick. It was such a precious moment, waking up to my husband and our son sharing their first conversation...all cozy in bed with both the cats curled up next to us--our family.

The last day & night before I was admitted to the hospital.

Before everything changed.
_________________________________________________________

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon
has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope
or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder
that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings