another sunday

It is Sunday and that means that I have a lot of work to do to get ready for the week ahead. I will not, however, go into any of the boring details.

Last night I picked up J and we went over to Kat's. It ended up just being J, Kat, Kat's sister, and me. All of the other ladies had their little one's as excuses to stay home. But that was just fine with me, I actually preferred to be around a smaller amount of people. It would have been nice to see the others, though. As it was we were able to have some nice conversations and we laughed a lot as well.

It turns out that Kat is exactly at the same point in her pregnancy that I was a year ago. She just had her 20 week ultrasound and had found out that they are having a girl. She showed pictures and I had worried that it might be hard for me, but it ended up being ok. She was always so good to ask me questions about my pregnancy whenever it was relevant. J brought up adoption and we talked about it for a while. She did say that she would be open to it but that Chris is opposed to it. We also talked about other options (surrogacy, IVF with a donor egg or possibly her egg--if she had one that is viable) and how difficult and invasive everything is. My heart really breaks for her.

Eventually Kat did ask about what me and Mr. C might have planned for the future in regards to having a family. I was so glad that she had asked, because I wanted to share it with her but wasn't sure that it felt appropriate--I guess because she is pregnant? Anyway, I shared with her the news that I had received on Monday at my visit with the Peri. I think that it is good for me to be around her and to see her belly and to be able to talk about things openly. I am so grateful that she is as sensitive but also as "real" as she is. She doesn't try to ignore the reality of things.

And as far as TTC goes, Mr. C and I are waiting until the next cycle for sure. I have a feeling that my body is working through things a bit, anyway. I'm not sure what all of the crampy/wierd sensations are...but everything feels "normal," so I am not worrying. I will continue to use the OPKs so that I can see if/when I ovulate. I know that I have vacillated on this, but the decision is certain now because yesterday Mr. C and I talked about it and he was very firm in that he does not want anything to happen before he feels ready and he got his mind ready for February/March. I tried to throw something he said to me last year out there: "What difference does a month make?" (last year he said this to me, only it was a year, rather than a month). But it didn't change the way he feels. So it will be the next cycle and this one is practice with the OPKs.

I bought myself a pregnancy journal on Friday. I stopped of at B&N on my way home from work because there was a magazine that I wanted to buy. So while I was there I decided to go and look at the pregnancy books. I spent a while looking at all of them and realized that I couldn't read pretty much any of them during a sub pregnancy. In fact, I think I will give my copy of "What to Expect when You're Expecting" to one of my students who is pg. I will probably end up getting myself the "Great Expectations" book because it seems like the only one that I could tolerate. But I did see this journal that made me smile, so I bought it. It is called "The Belly Book" and it looks like something that I would make if I made a book. It even has these line drawing illustrations that look sort of like something I might draw when I am doodling. I like the journal because it has a sense of humor and isn't the typical sentimental type of book that you find (like the one I was given as a gift when I was pg with William). So I know I am putting the cart before the horse here, but I see it as a move toward having a positive attitude.

A woman on the TTC after Stillbirth board who had been trying for almost a year finally got a BFP the other day. This made me so happy. She seems like such a sweet person and I know it was very hard for her to be hopeful while she was trying. She never even had to "try" with her three living daughters or the baby she lost. Most of the women who were on the Stillbirth board when I joined or shortly after have already gone on to have another baby, or they are pregnant now. In some ways I feel like I have been frozen in time. Many of the women who are TTC now lost their babies much more recently. It really isn't common at all for women to wait as long as I have. I know that it is what was right for me and Mr. C, though. And hopefully, once we start trying, our waiting won't have to go on for very much longer than the year that we have already waited.