thinking about the future

So tonight at dinner Mr. C told me that I should just go off of birth control at some point and not tell him. Which is funny, because he has said that to me before but it was years ago when I wasn't ready to have a baby yet. He was ready way before me. After the cancer he just was like...very certain about wanting a family. He would say "I wanna knock you up!" Ah, poor Mr. C had this dream of what it would be like for me to be pregnant that will never come true. He finds the whole thing very sexy. I am so lucky, I don't know what I did to be so lucky, to have a husband who (if I can believe him) finds me to be so physically attractive. Now, even if he just says the things he says because he loves me and I am his wife, etc., I still am incredibly lucky. Anyway, it was also funny that he said that because lately I have been remembering him saying that in the past, as I reluctantly take my pills and feel like chucking them into the trash.

Hmmm...not ready just yet.

But what if it really does take a while to get pregnant?

Not ready.

I finally called to make appointments today and hit three brick walls. First the dentist, where I got an answering machine. So I left a message and I will call back tomorrow. Next the perinatologist where I was forwarded to the right person to make an appointment, but then hit another machine...left a message...I'll try back tomorrow there, too. And even Gene Juarez was a no-go because their computer was down! I left info with them but they didn't call me back either, so it looks like I will be on the phone tomorrow trying again with all three. Such is life sometimes.

I went running again today and in many ways it was much better than my last run...but it was wierd. Ok, so normally a *report* of a run would be very brief: "good run, felt strong" or "ran hills today, felt great" or "tired." But right now things are not really in-the-groove with my running. I did, however, feel more like *myself* during today's run than I have since the marathon. Well, that and it also had some wierd parts to it too. It started off feeling good, smooth. And although it is cold that really wasn't much of an issue. And I am still having nasal congestion, but didn't feel like I was drowning. I did have to spit a couple of times (yes, yuck). My ipod shuffle was playing me the most awesome (mmm hmm, awesome, that's right) songs to run to (the cure, the drop, the killers, smashing pumpkins, U2, underworld) and there was about a half a mile or so in there where my pace/form felt PERFECT. But then my tummy started feeling grumbely...and, uh, I actually...well I'm not sure how to say this right. But I know this happens to all people sometimes so I can find the right words to describe it. Ok, tummy feeling wierd then like a burp but there is vomit that comes right up to the top of the throat...uck. My schedule is all off because of staying up so late so all I had eaten during the day before my run was 2 cups of tea with a bit of milk, a small bowl of risotto, and 15 minutes before the run I took a chocolate hammer gel. I kept running, of course and all was fine. I didn't get out the door until 4:15 or so, which meant that it was getting dark at the last part of my run so I ran for 45 minutes. Tomorrow I will run longer. Achillies started to talk a bit near the end but isn't bothering me now.

Mr. C also brought up an idea that we threw around years ago: me opening a day care/preschool. Back when we were first married we talked about it some but the idea didn't stick. At the time I had only been teaching for a couple of years and the idea of opening my own business/not teaching just didn't appeal to me, it also felt really big and not like something that I was up for. Now I know that I would be up for it. The idea would be to have a place outside of the home, so not just me being a glorified nanny with a few kids I care for. It would be an organized and highly interactive place where kids are nurtured, loved, and given an opportunity to learn, be creative and inquisitive. It would take money to get it all started. And I would have to do some good marketing and advertising. I wouldn't be able to start it until after having a baby, though, because of the high possibility of bedrest. After hearing about Becky's loss today I am even more resolved to take it super easy when I am pregnant again. So it would be ideal to start in the summer of '08. Where? How? I don't know. I will begin researching it and take my *water way* philosophy.