Still Tired...But Feeling Better

So I actually broke down and cried yesterday when I was at work. It wasn't in front of anyone besides Angie, who I am very close with...which is why it happened.

But I pulled it together and didn't lose it entirely.

When I first got to work I stopped in to talk to Sheri and ask her if she had time to meet with me after school. This turned out to be a good meeting.

I actually asked for help.

I know that it is terribly cliche to say this--but I NEVER ask for help when it comes to work. And she was, of course, wonderful. She is so supportive, no matter what, but she was beyond all expectations with this one. She went so far as to tell me that she doesn't think that I should be working in the capacity that I have been with either of the two Advisory teams. I had fully expected to be able to step away from the 10th grade team--as they are working quite well (writing all of their own lesson plans, coordinating their own projects, etc.). She agreed that they don't need me to facilitate their meetings and that I can work as a support for them as needed. Which is how she interprets my job description in that regard, anyway. She said that my job description pretty much outlines that I designed the program...not that I run the darn thing--the actual teachers should do that. So today was my last meeting with them. She will go to the next one (which I have to miss due to a parent-teacher conference) and fill them in on the fact that they are on their own from here on out.

The 9th grade team is the one that I didn't expect to be able to get away from. I envisioned myself continuing through the rest of the school year--writing their lesson plans, prepping all of the materials, facilitating all of the meetings and problem-solving with the advisors. Basically I have been doing all of the work and they teach the class. It sucks for me. I don't even teach the class, yet I do more prep for it than my art classes. So Sheri told me that her goal would be for me to step away at the semester change! Wow. She said that she will come to our next meeting to fill the group in on how things will roll out and to let them know that we will have a work day in January (she already is lining up the subs for us) to do some preliminary planning. On that day we will look at the calendar for second semester and assign lesson plans to each of the advisors and set up expectations for their work and meetings, etc. Just like with the 10th grade team, I will be there as a support for them, as needed, but I won't be expected to come to their meetings and I won't be writing ANY lesson plans for them. There is a part of me that is freaked out, since I don't have the most confidence in them as advisors (all were reluctant to take the role, all besides one are not the "strongest" advisors)...but that is not anything that I can really do anything about, whether I am the one writing and prepping the lessons or not. Ultimately, they need to be responsible for their own work, so that they only have them selves to account for the quality of the work.

It will take a while for this to sink in. But it is a really big deal and as time goes on (by February) it will make a huge difference in my work load.

The other thing that happened is that I had a talk with Sam after our 10th grade advisory meeting today. I wasn't really too keen to talk with her, but she requested it. I am not going to get into the history of the whole thing, as it is late and I really need to go to bed and this post is already quite long as it is. The short of it: I was able to be completely honest with her about how deeply she offended me and I feel very peaceful with the way that I communicated with her. I didn't let her off the hook. It is so easy to say things just to make someone else feel better or even to just get them to leave you alone. I know that I can't be dishonest, it just doesn't work for me, so she would continue to know that I was holding negative energy toward her. There was a part of me that wanted to be very cold and matter of fact and just tell her that we work together, and that it doesn't matter how she feels, we have a professional relationship and feelings don't matter. But I am not a robot and my feelings do matter. She asked me what she could do to make things better (besides saying she was sorry--all the while continuing to say that she didn't intend to hurt/offend me...I repeatedly went back to my point about intent vs. impact and that it doesn't let someone off the hook to say that they didn't mean to say/do something, that the fact that you are unaware is part of the problem). I told her that there is nothing that she can do and that I am not willing to put the time and energy into "fixing" our relationship...that the only thing that is going to make things better is time. I also repeated to her that she should not interpret my affect (which is sometimes cold/negative/whatever) as being attributed toward her. I hated to do it, but I did allude to the fact that I have been going through a really difficult time. I told her that I have never been one to use my personal issues as an excuse in life, and that I am not willing to do so now, but that me being overly stressed is maybe 30% due to work and the rest is personal. If she doesn't understand the monumental weight of having to bury my first born child...then that is not my concern.

So that is another weight that is lifted slightly. All is not completely mended, but expectations are set...a plan is in motion.

And now I plan to sleep long and hard.

Erin and I are seriously talking about running a marathon in Sedona in mid-February. Crazy? Perhaps it is...we'll see.