finally done

I finished wrapping gifts just a little bit ago. Now ALL of the Christmas shopping is done. I still need to wrap the gifts for my Mom, Dad, Lara & Matthew, Dean, and Debra. But I don't know when I am seeing them, so I'm not in too big of a hurry to do that.

It turned into a long day of shopping. As soon as I got to the freeway offramp it became very clear that I was going to just have to chill. Each light took at least three cycles to get through. Angie and I had a nice lunch together before I got down to business. I got most of the gifts that I had planned to get Mr. C. It's a good thing that I stopped when I did, anyway, because I finally added it all up and I spent way too much money. Oh well, I really wanted to get him all of these things. Truth is that I want to get him even more, but I can't afford the things that he is wishing for.

I did something sort of bad. I got myself 8 mercury glass candle holders! Here is my pathetic justification: they were on sale for 75% off! I have been admiring them/wanting them forever! They are "classic" and beautiful and I will have them as part of my decor (or, at the very least, as Christmas decorations) for the rest of my life.

It is hard to believe that it can take all day just to buy some gifts and wrap them. I'm glad it is all done.

Another Christmas card came in the mail today. This one was a combination Christmas card/birth announcement of Lolly and Ryan's baby boy, Chase, who was born November 27th. He is a beautiful, perfect baby. I saw it and just had to lay it face down. After a little while I placed it in the card holder thing with the rest of the cards. Almost every card we received this year is a picture of a child/children. Lissy and Darren's baby boys, Colin and Anne and baby Josie...it is hard to look at them. When Christopher got home we were standing in the kitchen talking and I pointed out the card to him by saying something like "Look at how lucky and happy our friends are, having a perfect baby boy" and he gave me a bad time for what I said and how I said it. Well, that wasn't very sensitive of him. I started crying and told him that there is nothing wrong with me feeling sad and even a little bit jealous. We ended up hugging it out.

Our grief is just so different from each others. I read today that the average time for a man to feel like he can "go on" (I guess reach acceptance) is 6 months, while for a woman it is between 24 and 36 months.

Here is something that I found the other day on one of the blogs that I found. I don't remember which one it was or I would give some credit. I posted it on the Stillbirth board.

Holiday Bill of Rights for Grieving Parents:
• I have the right to go from ecstatic to tears in 30 seconds.
• I have the right to be excited about going holiday shopping, only to get there and need to leave because of a panic attack.
• I have the right to not be joyful every single moment or day of the holiday season.
• I have the right to not send out Christmas cards, AGAIN.
• I have the right to NOT listen to Christmas music when I can't bear it.
• I have the right to be quiet, continue to grieve my child and be alone when I need to.
• I have the right to choose not to participate in gift exchanges and holiday celebrations at my place of work, worship, or anywhere else.
• I have the right to look for and feel joy and love in the holidays in my life; just please don't try and force it on me. I'll find it on my own.
• I have the right to want to buy my child a Christmas present and take it to the cemetery.
• I have the right to buy the present and decide that I can't bear to take it to the cemetery.
• I have the right to get to my family's house late and leave early.
• I have the right to walk outside and get away for a bit of fresh air when it gets to be too overwhelming.
• I have the right to include my child in any activity that I want without getting the "funny looks."
• I have the right to be angry.
• I have the right to be alone with my child and not have to explain why I want to be alone.
• I have the right to laugh at unexpected times and hug a pillow and talk to myself when I am remembering.
• I have the right to long to have my child back, to have the life I once had.
• I have the right to find a way to honor and remember my child during the holidays by whatever ritual I feel comfortable with.
• I have the right to be me ... the one who now exists.

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Yesterday was the first day of my vacation. I had an appointment with Tiffany at 8:30 for a massage and then an appointment with Dirk at 11:30. I wish that I could get a massage every day. Tiffany told me that because of the cold weather that it may be pretty hard for me to train for the Sedona marathon without depleating my immune system...which is already compromised. She also said that catching a cold (or any other virus, etc.) isn't as simple as just coming into contact with the virus somehow. Chances increase when you have an immune system that is weak, and even being in the cold weather makes you more "open" to the virus--where a person who has a strong immune system can be around sick people and not get sick themselves. She said that from a Chinese medicine perspective when you are cold you literally have points at the back of the neck that can be "open" or vulnerable.

So I am in a bit of a qaundry right now. I really want to train for and run this marathon with Erin. Yet, another week has gone by and I haven't run since Saturday. And I know that I absolutely cannot force my body beyond what is reasonable. And if it is the cold weather that is making my joints/connective tissue so tight and sore, then that isn't changing any time soon. Ugh. It sucks. I'll take my running shoes and clothes with me to the Tri Cities tomorrow, though. I'm not sure what the weather is like over there right now, but I really do want to do some running. Tiff didn't say not to run, in fact she said something like "run because you love it, just do what is healthy." Dirk, on the other hand is much more of the mind to run more rather than less. He makes me think of the coach or dad who tells kids things like "walk it off" or "rub some dirt on it." (Which is pretty funny, since that isn't what he is like at all, in most respects, he is such a gentle, easy-going guy.) Last week when I saw him and told him about my knee pain he told me to keep stretching it and keep running. Yesterday he wasn't as hard core, maybe because he could tell how crappy I felt.

We have on our training schedule a 16 miler for tomorrow! No, I won't be doing that. I am up really late, so will sleep in. We are planning to leave by 1:00. I will run in our neighborhood, a slow easy run and I'll stay out for an hour. In Hal Higdon's multiple marathon plans he doesn't have a full taper and goes from 16 to 20. So with that in mind...(this takes a little brain power...let me see...) it is still possible to run the Sedona marathon if I get right back into things this week and begin running regularly again.

Hmmm

I haven't called to make any of the appointments that I need to make yet.

I swear that I will do it next week.