I miss who I used to be.
I know it is trite and cliche, but I do.
And it's not that I was this oblivious innocent, and losing William has changed me into this person who has a new understanding of the pain of the world, or some other nonsense, and now I'm longing for a simpler time.
Life was never really simple or without pain.
Not more so than for many people, necessarily, but despite all of the challenges in my life I have always been one to "look to the bright side" or at least try to find some way that I was able to learn or grow from life's experiences.
I am able to smile, laugh, feel joy and love. But it is different.
And I do not have hope that it will ever be the way it once was.
More than a year has passed.
I think I had been moving forward over the last several months...after the marathon, really...with a sort of momentum toward the one-year mark. In part because of the significance of it and also because it meant that we would start trying for baby number two.
And now the date has passed, and I am here in this unknown-zone, like I'm in a fog.
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3 comments:
I miss my old self as well. We will never ever be the same, as Lori expressed so movingly on her last post. I seriously admire how you've managed to honor William, and also enjoy life. It's an inspiration, and although we don't know each other, I think of your posts that I read in the second miserable month after losing Natan every time I go to the cemetery. I think about the picture of you next to him, and hope I can handle his first birthday as beautifully.
Thank you as well for your wonderful response to Amanda on Niobe's blog. It upset me so much to see someone in our "pseudo" community treated that way, but your words were perfect. Take care.
I was going to chime in with my thanks for your comments, but I see that Sara's already preempted me. But I really did appreciate them, especially since I was left almost at a loss for words.
I do make an effort to understand other people's points of view and why they say the things they do, but sometimes I just can't understand what motivates them.
And I think you're right. Life is never going to be the same again. There's before. And then there's after. And there's no going back.
I don't know. I am getting used to this new reality, one not of my choosing and outside of my control. I would say I miss the way my life is supposed to be, with my 8 month old baby, not avoiding certain people, having to psyche myself up to look at photos of my baby nephew. It's like I have created my own bubble world which includes me, my husband and a few select others, but no-one else, as they would most probably be inept and therefore upset the illusion of balance.
Blather blather, I hope that makes sense. Maybe I'll write and actual post on it.
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