I'm still here...

I actually wrote a post yesterday...but in the middle of writing it my screen went black and I had to re-boot and so everything was lost--including my desire to write it all again.

So I will revisit the contents of the post (or something like it, since it now only exists in my brain--so that means the new version will be significantly revised) later...when the mood is right.

It's another lazy Sunday. I am at once overcome with the urge to Spring Clean, organize, and work on projects...yet I'm still in my jam jams and may remain that way for a few more hours.

Tomorrow we are back to State Testing again. Last week we did for three days, which meant that I only saw my students for classes on Monday and Friday. Tuesday through Thursday we had testing in the morning and conferences into the evening. It made for long, fairly boring days. We still have classes in the afternoons after testing this week, but they are abbreviated. Then on Wednesday we are back to normal. And the following week my student teacher, J. starts. I don't want to call her J. but I also want to be polite and not use her real name (it is sort of funny who I use real names for and who I don't...not sure why but I go on intuition with this one). I guess I can just call her student teacher. She seems nice enough. I've only met her once, so who really knows. I generally like most people, very few who I decide that I don't like and that is pretty much only after they have offended me repeatedly. So anyway, then the first week of April we are on Spring Break. Wahoo.

Just for the record, I'm ovulating again. Three months off the pill and three pretty on-time Os...and I can *feel* all of the signs, so that is good, too. It is reassuring that I am in touch with my body enough to know (and OPKs have validated this all three times). Of course Mr. C still isn't ready, so it is purely for observational reasons that I am keeping track. Oh, and by the way, if I haven't mentioned it yet, I have finally realized what *not ready* really means. It does not mean that he is still so broken apart about losing William that he is too scared or sad to try again. No, this isn't it. Maybe I might have figured this out sooner, but sometimes we are a bit blind to these things. This is hard because I saw that he visited my blog the other day (looking for pictures of his band to see if they were any good because he might have used them for some promos...they weren't) so I want to respect his privacy. But at the same time this is my blog and I have done a good job of keeping it *private* in that no one IRL knows about it (besides Angie, but she went out on a quest to find it...and she isn't part of *his life* anyway). So it isn't about fear of losing another child, in fact he has maintained his sense of faith that all will be well (the whole "I'll get you pregnant*You'll get the cerclage*We'll have a baby" thing). It is that he is depressed and hates his job and wants to get his life *figured out* before he will feel ready. Oh. Shit. That could take a while. Or it could happen in an instant. This sucks.

To be clear, what I want more than anything is for him to be well and happy. It would be silly for me to want a baby more than that, and have Mr. C be depressed. I want him to have work that is fulfilling and doesn't stress him out. Even if it means that we take a risk financially in order for him to pursue that. Unfortunately, it may be that for him these two notions--taking a risk to have work that is fulfilling & starting a family--may seem mutually exclusive. I understand if this is what he is thinking, but I don't think they have to be. I also understand if he thinks that both pursuits are very stressful in and of themselves, and therefore we shouldn't try to undertake both of them at the same time. Not that he has said this. OK, now I am just spinning my wheels, so I will stop.

As George Michaels would say, I just gotta have faith.