such good news!

Happy, happy, happiest of news today!

My friend and her baby girl are doing well! I don't have any details yet, but just knowing that bit of news just made my day--and then some.

a hell of a Wednesday evening!

I'm drunk. (OK, seriously buzzed...working on being drunk)

No, it really is true.

Let me just say, I almost NEVER drink. And when I say that, I mean it. Not like those people who say they never watch television. I really only drink, even a glass of wine with dinner, like three or four times a year--and since I was pregnant for half the year last year, maybe I drank something twice, if that.

So here is what happened...

I love wine. Yes, a non-drinker who loves wine. Let me back up a bit (and yes, I am doing a bit of corrections as I go, so forgive any spelling or mechanics errors, please). The reason I don't drink has nothing to do with any past problems with drinking, and I do not have any family members with drinking problems, or any other reasons having to do with religion or *lifestyle* choices. I guess it is mostly because I am small and have a sensitive system and fast metabolism and, as is happening now, a couple of glasses of wine does me in. Also there is the running thing--when I am training I do not drink because running after drinking is like having legs made of cement. Seriously.

Back to what happened...

Last weekend I bought myself a bottle of wine. The weekend prior I really wanted a glass of wine with dinner and didn't have the energy to go to the store to buy some. So it stuck in my mind all week (because for some reason it didn't enter my mind that it was OK to buy a bottle of wine during the week...) and finally when the weekend came again I went out and chose a nice bottle of Italian Cabernte Merlot-Sangiovese (yes, this is a real variety--I thought that it was wierd, but it came highly recommended). And I only drank one glass, which I enjoyed with my dinner.

And the bottle sat, until today. I can't remember now what reminded me "I have a bottle of wine..." but I remembered. And, forgive me if there are any wine snobs out there but, yes, it has been sitting with a stopper in it for a few days. Can I just say that it still tastes delicious? On an *empty* before-dinner-stomache, two glasses of wine (yes, I am still drinking it as I write) gets this little thing buzzed.

My husband will be home from work soon. What will he think? Will I be able to go unnoticed?
_________________________________________________________

Is this post the equivalent of drunk dialing? Or is it more like embarrassing yourself at a party?

Hmmm...

Well, Mr. C is due to be home from work soon and the sun is still out in the sky (such beautiful Spring weather we are having lately, which I am enjoying despite my allergies) so I will come back later.

To those of you who check in on me...you know if I know about you (because I believe you see me visiting your blogs, too, and I am commenting fairly regularly). But I would appreciate if those of you who are lurking would introduce yourselves. I cannot begin to express how much it means to me to be part of this "community" that I have stumbled into, and knowing "who is out there" really is important to me. Yes, it has been over a year...but what is time, really?

I am tempted to say more, but fear getting into a pathetic-zone, so I will stop now, for now.

and we'll eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast

You Will Be a Cool Parent

You seem to naturally know a lot about parenting, and you know what kids need. You can tell when it's time to let kids off the hook, and when it's time to lay down the law. While your parenting is modern and hip, it's not over the top. You know that there's nothing cool about a parent who acts like a teenager... or a drill sergeant!

Would You Be a Cool Parent?

I got sucked into the blog things site again!

But see, here is the proof that I will be a cool mom!

soon

I'm sending out anxious, excited, hopeful, happy energy for my dear friend who, as we speak, is being induced. Her original induction date wasn't until April 6th but they moved things up due to some indication that the blood flow in the cord might be compromised...a potential sign of placental deterioration. Since almost a year ago she had to say goodbye to her beautiful son, who was stillborn, there is no fooling around here.

I wish with all of my heart that I could be there to support her and share in her joy when she is holding her sweet baby girl in her arms. However, we live across the world from each other.

So if everyone out there who happens to read this will please send some warm thoughts--direct them to Australia--and I will update when I hear some news.

hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-Emily Dickenson
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I had an appointment with Tiffany today. My body actually was sore, which I guess reflects tension. She did some acupuncture points for stress-relief, too.

At the end of the sessions she has this deck of cards in a basket to choose from. They are similar to tarot cards but they are each about well being somehow. Today the card I selected actually gave me a task: to be positive for the rest of the day. It said to pay attention to what this feels like for me, especially if and when it is difficult.

The poem came to me earlier today. I was thumbing through an old magazine and part of the poem was in some art somewhere.

Dickenson has always been among my favorite poets. I was absolutely obsessed with her when I was 15. I was captivated by poetry that year, and I read tons of her poems and wrote a paper about her for my honors American Lit. class. I tried to get out of that class at the semester because I was taking so many hard classes and was feeling stretched beyond my limits (started getting sick, but wouldn't stay home from school...my neck even went out--and I was just 15!). My teacher wouldn't let me drop the class. She said that she had never had a student who understood poetry to the depth that I did and that the rest of the students in the class benefited from my contributions. She also said that since she knew that I would have an art class in the second semester that she believed that it would make all the difference for me to have that outlet. As it turned out, she was right. She became the first in a string of English teachers to try to persuade me to follow it as a major (all of my English/Lit teachers in college did as well). I resisted, all of the way through. To this day I still haven't finished the paper work toward my endorsement to teach English. My resistance to it stems from my belief that if I were endorsed to teach English then I would be *forced* to teach it (as many teachers who are endorsed to teach subjects in addition to art end up teaching the other subjects instead). As it is, I already teach the humanities (English + Social Studies) class as well as art.

But I've gone off on a tangent...

Oh I do love the bird imagery.

And this poem is very positive, as the card I drew today encouraged me to be.

Now I am off to the Mars Bar once again, this time I will go alone. Mr. C's band, the drop, is playing again. Angie said for weeks that she would go, but called this morning to say that she can't make it. Mr. C doesn't like the idea of me going alone so much because he worries about me walking to and from my car in the dark alone. I'm not worried, though. I will park along the street and there is light.

looking for the light

I miss who I used to be.

I know it is trite and cliche, but I do.

And it's not that I was this oblivious innocent, and losing William has changed me into this person who has a new understanding of the pain of the world, or some other nonsense, and now I'm longing for a simpler time.

Life was never really simple or without pain.

Not more so than for many people, necessarily, but despite all of the challenges in my life I have always been one to "look to the bright side" or at least try to find some way that I was able to learn or grow from life's experiences.

I am able to smile, laugh, feel joy and love. But it is different.

And I do not have hope that it will ever be the way it once was.

More than a year has passed.

I think I had been moving forward over the last several months...after the marathon, really...with a sort of momentum toward the one-year mark. In part because of the significance of it and also because it meant that we would start trying for baby number two.

And now the date has passed, and I am here in this unknown-zone, like I'm in a fog.

I'm still here...

I actually wrote a post yesterday...but in the middle of writing it my screen went black and I had to re-boot and so everything was lost--including my desire to write it all again.

So I will revisit the contents of the post (or something like it, since it now only exists in my brain--so that means the new version will be significantly revised) later...when the mood is right.

It's another lazy Sunday. I am at once overcome with the urge to Spring Clean, organize, and work on projects...yet I'm still in my jam jams and may remain that way for a few more hours.

Tomorrow we are back to State Testing again. Last week we did for three days, which meant that I only saw my students for classes on Monday and Friday. Tuesday through Thursday we had testing in the morning and conferences into the evening. It made for long, fairly boring days. We still have classes in the afternoons after testing this week, but they are abbreviated. Then on Wednesday we are back to normal. And the following week my student teacher, J. starts. I don't want to call her J. but I also want to be polite and not use her real name (it is sort of funny who I use real names for and who I don't...not sure why but I go on intuition with this one). I guess I can just call her student teacher. She seems nice enough. I've only met her once, so who really knows. I generally like most people, very few who I decide that I don't like and that is pretty much only after they have offended me repeatedly. So anyway, then the first week of April we are on Spring Break. Wahoo.

Just for the record, I'm ovulating again. Three months off the pill and three pretty on-time Os...and I can *feel* all of the signs, so that is good, too. It is reassuring that I am in touch with my body enough to know (and OPKs have validated this all three times). Of course Mr. C still isn't ready, so it is purely for observational reasons that I am keeping track. Oh, and by the way, if I haven't mentioned it yet, I have finally realized what *not ready* really means. It does not mean that he is still so broken apart about losing William that he is too scared or sad to try again. No, this isn't it. Maybe I might have figured this out sooner, but sometimes we are a bit blind to these things. This is hard because I saw that he visited my blog the other day (looking for pictures of his band to see if they were any good because he might have used them for some promos...they weren't) so I want to respect his privacy. But at the same time this is my blog and I have done a good job of keeping it *private* in that no one IRL knows about it (besides Angie, but she went out on a quest to find it...and she isn't part of *his life* anyway). So it isn't about fear of losing another child, in fact he has maintained his sense of faith that all will be well (the whole "I'll get you pregnant*You'll get the cerclage*We'll have a baby" thing). It is that he is depressed and hates his job and wants to get his life *figured out* before he will feel ready. Oh. Shit. That could take a while. Or it could happen in an instant. This sucks.

To be clear, what I want more than anything is for him to be well and happy. It would be silly for me to want a baby more than that, and have Mr. C be depressed. I want him to have work that is fulfilling and doesn't stress him out. Even if it means that we take a risk financially in order for him to pursue that. Unfortunately, it may be that for him these two notions--taking a risk to have work that is fulfilling & starting a family--may seem mutually exclusive. I understand if this is what he is thinking, but I don't think they have to be. I also understand if he thinks that both pursuits are very stressful in and of themselves, and therefore we shouldn't try to undertake both of them at the same time. Not that he has said this. OK, now I am just spinning my wheels, so I will stop.

As George Michaels would say, I just gotta have faith.

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I've lost it

I never realized how much I take for granted the ability to be able to talk. My voice has gotten raspy before from being sick, but this is the first time that I have actually completely lost it. It is beyond frustrating and in many ways actually makes me feel lonely.

If it isn't back by tomorrow it will surely make teaching interesting. Luckily all three of the classes that I am teaching tomorrow are at points in their projects where they are fairly autonomous...at least enough that one day without my verbal guidance won't hurt things too much. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday we are not having classes, as those days are scheduled for the first section of the state test.

Mr. C is being very sweet about the whole sickness-thing. Having been a singer for so long he has very strong ideas about how to deal with an affliction of the throat. He wants me to go around the house wearing a scarf, doesn't think I should even attempt to talk, and says I should "surrender to the couch" and get as much rest as possible. Resting is not something I really ever give-in to. I'm one of those people who putters around the house...folds laundry or writes to-do lists while "watching" a movie. So here I am flat on my back with the laptop on my lap for a change. For a while, anyway. I really want to vacuum the area rug. That seems pretty pathetic.

Well, based on the two comments that I received from my last post (thank you once again to Sara & Rosepetal) I am going to relax about the Links list. If anyone out there wants me to take you off of my list, please just say the word and it is done.

Have I committed a blog faux pas?

A while back Sara asked if she could add me to her Links...and just now as I was looking at the comments on the visual blog (which, if you haven't checked out yet, you should--it is so cool) and someone asked if they could add it to their favorites list. Um...did I do a big bad no-no by just adding blogs that I love to visit to my links without asking?

If so, I apologize with intensity. I am sorry if this was uncool.

Please, those of you out there who know how these things are supposed to work, let me know.

Should I erase my Links and start over?

Is there a blogger rule book or etiquette guide out there somewhere?

celebration, denial, sadness...hope

I finished the secret project!!!!! It ended up being my primary occupation for most of the day on Sunday--what a nice way to spend the day. Because it is a surprise for Joleen, it has to stay a secret for a while longer. But I can't help myself, I am taking pictures before I send it away in the mail...so I'll post them eventually.

Once in a while I wish denial would work. The sore throat that I wanted to believe was caused by the house being "too hot" while I was sleeping is sticking around and today the stuffy nose kicked in, too. I'm a little embarassed to admit this but the one bright spot about having a cold is taking Thera Flu. I share an unnatural affinity for Thera Flu with my sister. Her's is stronger than mine, though, and she takes the stuff even when she isn't sick sometimes to enjoy that intense drowsy feeling.

I woke up feeling overwhelmingly sad yesterday. I hate that. I hate how sometimes the feelings just overtake me like that.

Today was much better, but it ended up being one of those pregnant-ladies-and-babies-everywhere days. OK, one particular pregnant lady and one specific baby...but still. The pregnant lady was this woman I work with. After school I had to attend a WASL training (our state test, which starts next week, requires by law that all proctors attend official trainings...ugh). I was sitting in the back with a view of the door. About five minutes into the training in walks this woman. She is petite (size zero type) and bigger than life was her pregnant belly--approximately six months. The thing is, she was pregnant when I was pregnant with William, her baby boy was born last January. Now she is due to have number two soon. Number one was a surprise, I wonder if this one was, too. The baby was in Target and I swear that wherever I went, so went this young mom who was carrying this tiny infant in her arms while she shopped. Seriously, she was even at the check-out at the same time as me. It wasn't awful, though. I am happy for the pregnant woman. My brother and I are even closer in age than her babies will be, and I think it is great when families have kids close together. And the baby at Target was so beautiful, so sweet. Listening to it's crys and coos was hard, though.

what to say...?

I sat down to make my daily entry yesterday and it occurred to me that I didn't "have" to blog every day. I had set a goal for myself to write every single day for a month, near the end of January. I was pretty much successful, although one day I didn't post until after midnight.

Posting is sort of hard right now. I try not to write about work too much...and I am trying not to obsess about the whole baby-thing. But the reason why I started the blog in the first place was to have a way to express what I am going through...a way to help me cope. So I don't know what to write. I wish that I could come up with some deep, well-written reflections that would be helpful to anyone else out there reading. When I read "Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog" I am always moved by what she writes. I also read blogs where the writers are witty and even funny. I suppose it is pointless for me to worry that I am writing eloquently or writing things that will move others. Not that I want to be boring anyone to tears or anything, but I just can't have that expectation for myself.

argh...





I just got home from having dinner with Erin and several of her friends. We went to a restaurant called Tempero Do Brasil to celebrate that Erin accepted a job offer at a school in Brasilia, Brazil. She will be leaving in August. I am at once extremely happy for her, and very sad that she will be leaving. It is a two-year contract. She says Seattle is her home and she will be coming back...I will miss her. We went for another very long walk this morning around Green Lake (three times around the lake). Oh, the food was pretty good, the servings were HUGE, and the service was s...l...o...w... The restaurant was this small, shabby place with a make-shift extra room at the front that is basically covered with an awning and has those large people-warmer things. There were two guys playing guitar and tamborine. Erin got up and played a tamborine and tried to learn to Samba. She is so cute. She just loves to have fun and doesn't hold back when she wants to do something. She thought it would be fun to play with the musicians, so she did.

the last link

"The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen." -Frank Loyd Wright

Well I really believe we will have a baby, and I can buy the idea that this belief will make it happen. I just don't know WHEN.

AF showed this morning.

Really, it was such a long shot--we only BDed once in such a way as to make it "count" when it was around O time (two days prior).

And now I have no idea when we'll even get that close again, considering that Mr. C "isn't ready" to start trying.

I refuse to let this consume me.

As cheesey as this next bit is going to sound, I am reminded of something I heard somewhere back in my single days. It's the idea that everything you are looking for in a partner, you should be able to find within yourself (by the way, I don't totally agree with that--but I won't go into it now). Well, this doesn't directly corrolate, but in this time while I am *waiting* I'd like to focus on myself and being all of the things I want my children's mom to be.

Hmmmm.....we'll see how far that takes me.