I saw the therapist for the first time today and now I am a total mess.
I mean that I am crying harder than I have in months and feeling desperate and virtually hopeless.
I would call someone, but there is no one who could say anything to console me. Because what I want to hear is:
#1 Mr. C and I are going to be OK
#2 We will eventually have a living child
And no one has a crystal ball to tell me that everything is going to eventually be OK.
The truth is that I have been feeling fine about waiting. The urgency to try again has subsided and my concerns about Mr. C and his well being are far more important. And my concerns about him have even lessened slightly in the last week or so as well.
Until today. That woman just fucked me up.
In under an hour she managed to turn me into this anxious mess I am right now. Sure, I take responsibility for the part I have played in allowing myself to get to this point. But, as Mr. C said a few minutes ago, she didn't give me the care I was needing. He said that it was like going to the podiatrist and having him examine your ass the whole time.
I suppose I should try to relay what happened, to give this all some context.
Rather than going blow-by-blow, which I started to do, I will try to summarize. She asked some basic questions to start off but kept leading the conversation to my age and the importance of not delaying TTC. I didn't bring this concern up, she did. And while she asked me questions like how I dealt with my grief, if I had experienced any spiritual conflict, etc., she returned to the issue of my fertility over and over. She talked about my "ovarian reserves" and told me stories of other patients of hers (mostly sad stories of eggs dried up). She implored me to talk to Mr. C about not delaying TTC any longer. It didn't seem to be important to her that he is in therapy himself and that he had called a halt to TTC because he is trying to work through some serious issues himself. Yet there I was, sitting in her office, dissolving.
When I got home I told him that the therapist wanted me to talk to him about something, but that I was reluctant. He drew it out of me. Then he told me under no uncertain terms that he is "barely holding on by a thread" and that adding a child to our lives right now could make it snap. He also pointed out to me that she is not a medical doctor and she did not do an examination or anything so she has no idea of my fertility or lack thereof (hence the analogy above). We talked about it all for a while, then he had to leave to run an errand. That is when I fell apart. And here I am, now.
So now do I look for another therapist?
Do I schedule an appointment with my OB to have a test done (what did the therapist call it, FSH?) to get an idea of my "ovarian reserves"?
How do I get back to a place where things feel at least relatively OK again?
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7 comments:
WTH was she thinking? Wow. I can hardly imagine a less therapeutic approach. Honestly.
It seems like you have it right when you say your "concerns about Mr. C and his well being are far more important." Absolutely.
Seek out a new therapist if you feel up to it. A long time ago I sought out help only to find a therapist who for some reason decided I was in the closet about my sexality. I had no idea why since the problem I came in to talk about wasn't sexual, and I wasted three sessions trying to explain that I was neither gay nor uncomfortable about sexuality. It's kind of humorous to me now, but back when I wanted to talk about something else that was seriously affecting me, her incompetence was not a funny subject. Don't waste your time with her.
Oh gosh yes get a new therapist! I think the whole idea of a therapist specializing in women with infertility is clearly a bad idea for you. That didn't even sound like therapy, but rather a fertility appointment or something. It sounds terrible.
You need someone who will allow you to talk and to take the direction you need to take during the session. When I saw a counselor I did 90% of the talking and she only asked questions pertaining very specifically to the subjects that I raised.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so fragile once again. If I thought it was possible I would tell you to erase this horrible day from your mind. If only it were that easy...
OMG yes get a new therapist! This woman sounds not only incompetent but downright stupid!! For the record, I'm sure that you have plenty of reserves, and that how quickly you fell pregnant with William is testament to that!! Please calm down and try to de-stress about it. Stress is probably a bigger issue in making you less fertile than anything else right now! With the medical science available today there are so many options if you were to lose fertility but I am sure that this will not be an issue for you!
I wish I could send Marcella (my therapist) overseas to see you, as she is just such a helpful, lovely, funny person! Ideally a therapist is someone who supports you, and helps you to work through things in your own way and on your own time.
Big Hugs mate! You are doing the right thing waiting until Mr C is ready, and you know that your marriage comes first! I wish i could make you see what a selfless loving person you are, and that waiting to ttc for possibly a few more years will NOT affect your fertility!!
So now do I look for another therapist?
Yes. Yes. Yes. I know it can be difficult to make the effort to find someone new, but I think it's better not to be in therapy at all then to deal with such a horrible therapist who is doing nothing to help you and lots of things to hurt you. Maybe next time you could have a short initial phone session or consultation where the therapist could describe his/her approach and you could decide if that would work for you.
If Mr. C is "barely holding on by a thread" (a scary image), adding more stress by TTC is unlikely to be helpful to either of you.
It's sad how these things always seem to be so much more difficult than we had hoped.
Run...do NOT walk...to a new therapist. Can you ask your OB if there is anyone who specializes in prenatal loss counseling?
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Please do not give her one more thought.
Oh, shit. She was very callous, to say the very least. Can you complain to someone about her? She is not a fertility specialist, and to imply otherwise is very unprofessional. And what kind of therapist prioritizes a phantom unsubstantiated concern over psychological well-being of a person?
WTF is wrong with people?
Yes, ask your OB. My OB's nurse put me in touch with a hospital social worker who helped me enroll in a study for bereaved mothers at a psych department in one of the local universities. Maybe there is something similar in your area.
I also did not have a good time with my first therapist. I am now seeing a psychiatrist instead who is infintely better. It is hard to look for a new therapist. I ended up stopping for a while before deciding I needed to see someone again.
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