pathetic me

I'm trying not to get worked-up over this, and really am a bit embarrassed that I am even posting about it, but my cycle is wack.

What in the hell is going on?

So things were weird at around day 12 when I had terrible cramping and bleeding. The bleeding slowed/stopped the next day. I took to heart the comments I received about this most likely being due to ovulation and was able to relax about things.

But now here I am 20 days later and no period. The only symptom that it might be on the way is (sorry for this) super sore nips (I believe this is due to progesterone...which is in-line with the luteal phase).

Of course this is the way my messed-up head is processing things: I had three *normal* cycles after going off the pill in January. Now my cycles are all F-ed up and I'm probably not ovulating...I probably will never ovulate again and the window of opportunity is closed and whenever Mr. C decides he is ready (if ever) it won't even be an option. No chance for a live baby.

I wish that I could say that getting that out has made me feel better.

Oh, get this: the therapist that I tried to set up an appointment with a while back didn't have any openings, so she referred me to a colleague of hers who she said she thought might be a good fit for me because she sees lots of women who are dealing with infertility. I did make it clear to her that William died because of preterm labor and that he was quite healthy, just too small to survive...AND that while it was our first pregnancy, we did get pregnant the first month that we tried. Nontheless, she encouraged me to contact this colleague of hers. I did and I will see her for the first time on Tuesday. I just hope it doesn't end up that therapist #1 has jinxed me or something.

OK, now I am just being stupid. Sorry.