the big guns

I feel like my world has been turned upside down and shaken up...and this is not a bad thing, but it feels very bad most of the time.

I am facing things. I am forcing myself to have the hard conversations--with others and with myself. I am actively engaging in life. And while I know that change can be (by its very nature) tumultuous, today I finally asked for help in a way that I hadn't thought that I would really need.

I saw the new therapist last Wednesday and it went really well. She said that she might want to prescribe something for my anxiety, but wanted to wait until my following visit this Wednesday to see how I am doing. Today I called her and told her I don't think I can wait. I will pick up my prescription later today.

While things have been improving in all aspects of my life, there is still this strong undercurrent of anxiety that is always present. Yes, I can control it with breathing exercises and visualization. I can control it by dealing with things as they come up instead of trying to avoid them. I can control it, but only to a certain extent. Last night I woke up gasping for air. This has happened a couple of times in the last few weeks. That isn't good. No, I haven't been having all-out panic attacks (I've had them in the past, so I know for sure what they are) but this not being able to breathe thing is not good. And the worst "symptom" of all is this feeling of not being able to "be myself." This is making me feel crazy. Yesterday I really allowed myself to *be* with that feeling and I realized that at its core is this sense that I don't trust myself. Clearly it is something that I can and will work through in therapy, but I need to be able to sleep and eat in order to really do that work/live life.