no longer focusing on the hole in the doughnut*

We went to a BBQ at the home of some friends of ours for the 4th of July. We were invited to the same BBQ last year and I backed out at the last minute and didn't go, Mr. C went alone. I just couldn't bare the idea of seeing the baby of another friend of ours, who was born a week after William's due date. But this year it didn't even occur to me that this baby, and many others, would be there until just before we went. It didn't worry me, I knew I would be fine, but I did wonder how it might feel. There was also another baby that I expected to see there--she was just born a month ago, which was a year after William's due date. Like many women who have lost a baby, I avoid newborns, so this would be the first tiny baby I had encountered since before my loss.

All told, there were 4 babies who were about a year or younger, and three toddlers. The small back yard was bursting at the seams with children. It didn't upset me in the slightest. The party was laid back, maybe even a little boring. At some point I sat off to the side with C--one of hosts. He and his wife cannot have children, she went into early menopause. Just after I sat down he made a comment to me about all of the children--how just a couple of years ago this was a completely different scene. I asked him if he and his wife ever consider their options. He said that they did talk about it at first, but came to the decision that which ever route they took that it would be stressful and difficult, and they aren't willing to put their marriage through that strain. He said that they are a family, and he is thankful for what they have and wants to nurture that. What he said, and how he said it, really impacted me.

Yesterday I was sitting on our deck, feeding the raccoon and I was reflecting on my feelings about being around all of those babies, and my conversation with C. While before I could say with all honesty that I am willing to wait as long as it takes to try again, that my marriage is most impotant, it wasn't true that I felt at peace with this on a certain level. In my heart I knew that my marriage was the most important thing, but I really wanted to be pregnant again. Now I am at a new peace with it. I actually do not feel like I want to be pregnant now. Yes, some day, but only when we are really ready. I am not feeling like I want or even need a timeline to grasp onto. I realize that there can be no way to put a timeframe on when we will be ready. I realize that by placing a one year mark for us to try again set in motion an unhealthy way of coping. It was as if I was putting my life on hold until that day came. I disengaged from the world in so many ways. I believe that this only has added to the strain on Mr. C.

Life doesn't fit into neat little packages, and things don't always follow the script we think they should. I am happy and thankful for what we have and do not want to get off track by always thinking about what it seems we ought to have. I could go on, but I think that is where I will leave it for now.

*The title comes from something an old friend used to say. She would refer to someone as always focusing on the hole in the doughnut when they were missing all of the good things in their life by focusing on the things that aren't meeting their expectations. (I suppose I didn't need to explain this, since it isn't that complex)