Thursday, April 12, 2007

what is this?



I really should be doing other things right now, but am somehow typing this.

I feel like I am coming unglued.

And, on top of it all (or, perhaps, as a result of it all--I can't be sure) I am at day 12 of my cycle and am having spotting and cramping. What is this? Really, I don't need to start worrying about my reproductive health on top of everything else right now. I already have a tendency to worry/obsess about things as it is. I don't need actual strange symptoms to fuel my anxiety.

So here is what ran through my head earlier today:
I was having a conversation with the Student Teacher about relationships and how we met our significant others. And as I was talking about Mr. C I found myself falling far short of what I usually say about him. Now I realize that I am still getting to know Student Teacher and am very aware that I am sharing personal details very cautiously. But here is essentially what I said when I described Mr. C today:

When I met him I was immediately attracted to him. At the same time, I was caught completely off guard because he seemed so different from me in many ways. As it turns out, these differences are what make him so perfect for me.

And here is what I have always said in addition to the above description:

While Mr. C is one of the most intelligent and creative people I know, he is also extremely funny. His sense of humor is one of his most attractive features to me. This is where he and I differed so strongly. Before I met him, most people would describe me as being very serious. But Mr. C has softened me, helped me to lighten-up. He makes me laugh EVERY day, even if he has to tickle me to make me do so. My sister and my brother both told me, after dating Mr. C for about a year, that they liked me better.

What occurred to me is that I didn't share these details with her because it felt too personal and sensitive. Because right now my wonderful husband, for the first time since I have known him, isn't the one who is holding me up and helping me to see the brighter, more hopeful view of life. Right now he is struggling to hold himself up. And I feel so fucking helpless in the face of this. And I also feel terribly guilty that he has always had to be the strong one...and because of this he is finally feeling weight that he has so gladly piled on his shoulders for me and everyone else he cares for.

When Mr. C was fighting cancer he was the one to make jokes and lighten the room. Sure, he expressed his fear...even shed some tears. But now that I think of it, the one time he really cried was when he was on the phone with his father. He was talking on the phone with his father after he got the diagnosis and he just broke down and had to hand the phone to me. On the other end I could hear his father crying as well. I hung up the phone and held him and he told me that he just couldn't handle hearing his father cry--that is why he lost it, it just tore him apart to hear his father in pain. And when we were in the hospital and they were prepping him for surgery the nurses (his mother included) made a huge fuss over me because they were certain I was about to faint. He was so worried about me, he said that he was more worried about me than he was for himself. How could I be so selfish? Why couldn't I just pull it together so that he would have felt more supported, not to mention that he wouldn't have had to add worry for me on top of his own fear and sadness.

And when we lost William there was no one there to really support him. Sure, his mother was there, but all of the focus was on me. Once he knew that I would recover physically he continued to worry as he watched me grieve. Yes it is stereotypical but while I "grieved like a woman" he told me after less than a week that he "couldn't cry anymore." He was promoted to management just as we were losing William, and he returned to work quickly. He immersed himself in work, believing that it would be good for him to do so. And now what I believe is delayed grief is catching up to him.

Tomorrow will be his fourth session with a psychologist. When he decided he needed to see someone it was because he felt like he was suffering from anxiety and depression--due to his highly stressful job. He didn't even mention William at his first session. But after his second session, in which he did, he told me that he realized that it isn't just his job that is causing him "stress."

I am feeling pretty helpless in all of this. I wish that there was something that I could do. And it makes me so angry with myself that I had grown so dependant on him to be strong, to "lighten" things for me.

It has been hard for me to write much lately. It has been difficult to do much of anything. I know it isn't helping him for me to be so sad and depressed as well.

7 comments:

Jillian said...

It sounds like so much has piled up on you both and I am so sorry for that:( Yours sounds like a very sad house right now and that can't be easy.

I also wanted to say that your day 12 symptoms could actually indicate a very strong ovulation. The cramps are the ovum fighting its way out and the spotting (from what I recall from my TTC days) is from lots of good hormones and a good thick lining.

I hope that Mr C finds some relief and that you stop feeling guilty right now (wagging finger!) so guys can move forward as partners supporting each other equally. Hang in there x

Catherine said...

Steve and I used to joke that he was "my rock." And then Alex died. And I remember very clearly the day that I yelled at him, "Yes, but your dealing with things YOUR way leaves me feeling very alone." It was in that moment that we both realized neither one of us had to be strong. We could both huddle at the bottom of the pit together until we were strong enough to climb out together. It's ok to admit that you don't have all the answers. It's ok to acknowledge that you can't fix things right now. Just keep breathing.

niobe said...

It sounds like a good sign that he recognizes the issue and is taking concrete steps to deal with it.

And even if you didn't already have enough reasons to be depressed, depression is contagious (not literally, of course) and living with someone suffering from depression is bound to bring you down. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Sara said...

Perhaps the spotting and cramping is ovulation. I suffer more with ovulation than I do with my period.

I'm so glad Mr. C is seeing a psychologist. You two have been through so much in the past few years. I hope the therapist will have you go with him sometime, so you can talk together.

Cancer, losing William, struggling to conceive, rethinking over when to try to conceive. It's not a failure to be struggling, I'm impressed at how you still manage to see any beauty in the world.

I'm sure you've been more of a support than you realize.

Take care, BasilBean.

KMW said...

Hang in there. I usually hate it when people give unsolicited advice, but apparently I am going to be totally hypocritical and wonder if it would help if you were less hard on yourself? I say that as a fellow self-criticizer, but I do wonder if you are more there for Mr. C than you realize, and I know how hard it is when you feel helpless to help what he is going through. Sounds like you guys have been through so much, and have a good foundation. Be as gentle with yourself as you want to be for him. And now feel free to ignore, delete or generally disparage my unsolicited advice:)

Becky said...

Derick and I decided to seek therapy as well. We realized that we weren't dealing with things the way we should be. After about 2 sessions dealing with my grief, the therapist said, "Now Derick, I would like to see you alone at the next appointment." My jaw dropped, and I realized that apprently I wasn't supporting him as much as he needed to be supported. He had unresolved grief and feelings as well.

The therapist recognized that as he was dealing with things in his own way, he was leaving me completely alone and it was fueling my depression. I think it's very common, for one spouse to almost alienate the other emotionally at a time like this. It's not something either one of us consciencely decided or even realized was happening until she mentioned it. Perhaps in both of your ways of 'dealing' with things, you have unconsciencely put the other person aside. And the need to not feel alone, to be able to fall if we have to, to know that even if the other person falls apart, things will be ok...that was not fulfilled leaving you both feeling even more depressed. Maybe you were able to work through these things, as I was, but Mr. C hasn't been able to as easily because on top of the cancer and loosing William, he's had so much other stress and worry with work and everything else. And that's ok. It's ok to feel these things and think these things. It's ok to be at the bottom together.

Seeking therapy is a great step and I know that things will start to turn for you both very soon. Within 3 sessions I felt like a completely different person, and I know that Mr. C will too.

P.S. that happens to me sometimes when I ovulate...like now...the cramps are worse than with my period.

Sara said...

I hope you've had a good weekend.
Thinking of you.