How do I stop myself from acting so clingy and bitchy all of the time?
Here I am, well aware that Mr. C is going through the shit...and that his big issue is that for years he has put on a brave face and been the comic relief for EVERYONE, no matter what, but here I am kicking and screaming at him like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
His emotional distance is something so foreign to me. And his dark moods...why am I taking it all so personally?
I keep getting my feelings hurt by little things. I swear, he looks at me a certain way and I make it into daggers.
I am over-analyzing everything and it is driving me crazy and I am certain that it is driving him crazy too. I am acting in the completely opposite way than I intend to. I want to be supportive, yet I want to feel close to him as well.
I spoke to him about it Sunday night, so it is out there. But I don't know what else to say or do.
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Well, since these dark moods sound so out of character it's not hard to understand why you're taking it personally. He must seem like a very different person than the one you used to know.
It's awfully hard to know what to do when someone becomes emotionally distant. You want to bring them closer, but (at least in my experience) everything you do seems to end up driving them further away. I guess one question would be whether he wants support from you -- or, maybe, what kind of support he wants.
It can be nearly impossible to be supportive of dark moods when they're combined with emotional distance. That said, of course you want to be supportive. Honestly, I do the same, absolutely lose it at my husband because I can't make him conform to the way I think he should deal with hurt and stress. And I can see that right now while I'm reasonable, but watch out if he comes in here right now and looks at all out of sorts.
Are you going to go to any appointments with the counselor together? I think that would be an excellent place to talk about how to make your two methods of coping come together more peacefully.
I also agree with Niobe, that it might help if you had a better idea of what he'd see as supportive, how he might like you to handle his moods.
Thank you Niobe & Sara...
Mr. C told me that he doesn't want me to do anything different to support him, just to be myself.
His parents have called a lot, checking in on him because they are worried. This stresses him out even more.
It is so difficult to "be myself" when I am so worried about everything.
As far as going to a counseling appointment with him goes, I don't see that happening any time in the near future. I haven't suggested it, so maybe he would be more open to it than I am thinking he would be. But when we talked about everything on Sunday night he said that in his sessions so far they are still "sorting everything out." I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I took it to mean that they are not in "problem-solving mode." I don't know what his therapist's methods are, so this is hard to say for sure. My experience with therapy (several years ago) is that it got to a point where I was actively addressing my issues.
Anyway, this comment is longer than my orinal post! I appreciate the feedback, though, so if you or anyone else out there has anything to add it would be welcome.
Awww, I'm so sorry.
This is very normal, I think. You're both very fragile right now. You both experienced the same devastating loss, and because of that you now understand each other better than anyone else in the world - and as comforting as that can be, it can also be scary. It's scary to need someone that much. It makes all the little disagreements and upsets seem so much bigger because it's unfathomable to think that this person who you rely on and who mirrors your own pain could be angry with you - or distant, or in any way less than what you need or have come to expect.
My advice is to keep talking to him - keep the lines of communication open - but also know that it's okay to need other people. It took me a few months, but I eventually realized that Sandy was dealing with Thomas' death differently than I was. We clung to each other at first and grieved in very much the same way, but as time passed and we started to heal, we began to need different things from each other - including a bit of emotional space.
I started to confide more in my Mom and in some of my closest and most supportive friends. Having another outlet helped me deal with the sorrow that I still needed to talk about on a daily basis and it took the burden off Sandy.
It was scary letting go of Sandy and moving some of the sorrow to other people, but it made us both so much happier and stronger when I did. He knew then that I wasn't relying on him 100%, and I was able to get the support I needed.
I don't know if this is exactly the same sort of thing that you're going through or not, but just know that it's okay to need other people - and sometimes it really helps.
Lots of ((((((HUGS))))))) Sorting all this out is so hard. But just keep talking.
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