stepping into this blog thing

Well, here goes nothing. I am doing this on impulse--was just reading another blog and followed the link to create my own. It occurred to me not too long ago when I was reading one of the blogs that I check in on now and then (blogs created by moms who are having difficult pregnancies, having the NICU experience, or who have lost their babies) that having my own blog might be a good idea. It is just a couple of days before my marathon and "post-marathon" is when I go into pre-TTC mode.

So here goes nothing. It will be good for me to finally get things together so that I can post pictures and whatnot as well.

A little bit about me and what has lead me here. A little over a year ago my husband and I decided to start our family. He had tried to talk me into it a couple of years prior, but I was really not ready yet. I just KNEW it wasn't time. I still didn't think it was quite time yet last August, I thought that I would be ready in one more year. But when he asked me what real difference a year would make I had no good answer. I realized that I was as ready as I ever would be (not having any clue how much more "ready" I would be feeling as soon as there were two lines on that HPT) and so we immediatly started trying.

We got pregnant the first month! I was certain that I was pregnant, too. I could feel something in the works--I swear--from the time of conception. My MIL, who is a nurse, didn't believe me. Then two weeks later when the test was positive she just had to shake her head. We weren't sure if we would be able to conceive without some help, as my husband was diagnosed and treated for cancer two years prior. He had banked sperm and we knew there was a possibility that me might have to go that route. Imagine how thrilled we were that we could make a baby all by ourselves!

I won't turn this into a chronical of my pregnancy. I don't think that I have it in me to do that right now, although I do think that I would like to do that some day.

In brief, the pregnancy was never one--as I imagine the vast majority of pregnancies are--where I was blissfully unaware of how delicate, precious, and fragile life is. I worried about my little "Wiggle" constantly. I came to the conclusion that this is just what it must be like to be a parent and that I would worry about this little person for the rest of my life. But there were plenty of reasons to worry for real, as the pregnancy had one scare after another. Ultimately, I went into pre-term labor (PTL) at 5 months (22 weeks), my water broke, and I had to give birth to my son William even though I knew that he was too small to survive.

Since then I have come to understand that I have a condition called Incompetent Cervix (IC). It is such an awful, insulting name for a condition. And I have none of the markers for it--there is nothing about me that would send off any red flags that this would be something to watch out for. Which is so tragic, because if I had been able to carry William for a week or two more he would have had a chance at life. I follow a blog for a baby that was born at 23 weeks in August and he is alive and well. Life is no picnic for his mom and dad, as they watch him struggling to develop...but he is their son and they love him and are so lucky to have him in this world.

My doctor has told me that in subsequent pregnancies I will be watched closely by a specialist (perinatologist), as it will be a high-risk pregnancy. And I will have a procedure done called a cerclage. The doctor will literally sew my cervix closed! At the top of my To Do list right now is to call the perinatologist for a pre-TTC consultation.

I am apprehensive. I want to have a baby so badly--yet I am also extremely scared. I am scared of losing another child and I am just scared in general of what another pregnancy will be like--filled with fear and anxiety...And then I am also scared that I won't be able to get pregnant at all.

There is a lot to be scared of.

But we will move forward because...we have no choice.