getting lost

Angie got me this shirt for Christmas. She thought she was getting a "girly" size small when in reality she was getting a little girl's size small. She told me "that's OK, because you're Little People Big World." She thinks that is funny. Anyway, the shirt has some meaning to me because somewhere I have a "Meat Is Murder" t-shirt from my youth. For anyone who might not know, it is an album and song title from the smiths (one of my all-time favorite bands). I was actually a vegetarian for several years. Three different doctors had to persuade me to eat meat and dairy once again. Angie didn't know any of that. She just thought it was funny and especially since it is a pink shirt and, as she puts it, I am a little person...and for some reason that shit's just funny.


I cannot believe that this is true, but I got lost today!

Some back-story first (because, as I have come to embrace about myself, I love the back-story).

Heck, I am *this-close* to launching into a story about how I have come to embrace that about myself...but I won't.

Work was delayed two hours due to the snow (and I could go on and on about what a farce it was to even have school today at all...but I won't). The power went out during third period (we only have four classes each day and alternate back and forth from day to day for a total of eight classes, in doing so we are able to have longer class periods). Luckily, my room has two walls that are pretty much all windows so the room is full of light. Third period is my planning period, so I don't teach a class then. My friend Angie does, so I invited them into my room since hers is an interior room and was dark like a cave. She and I team-teach together fourth period and we immediately figured out how we could still have a productive day even without power. But it didn't come to that because the administration decided to have the students remain in their third period class for the rest of the day, even though the power came back on at about an hour before dismissal. (One thing that I will whole-heartedly admit--the back-story isn't always relevant or necessary in order to hear the *real* story...sometimes I am just setting the stage, and sometimes I am just being tangential...hence my complete over-use of parenthesis). Ahem...so anyway...since my fourth period class wasn't going to happen I asked Sheri if I could leave early to return the helium tank and carpet. She is supercool and said yes.

I am so glad that I left work about 20 minutes early, because I ended up doing about an hour of extra driving. Yes, an hour. The first bit of detour happened after I returned the tank, the onramp that used to lead to I5 north off of 38th St now only goes onto Hwy 16...and once I was on it I couldn't get off. So that doesn't count as being lost, I knew where I was the entire time and just had to endure it.

It was after I delivered the carpet that I somehow--I still am bewildered by it all--merged onto the wrong freeway. I was certain that I was merging onto I5 north. I was just there the other day, doing the exact same thing. How could I have gone in the wrong direction? How could I not know where I was? The only way I can make any sense of it all is that it was snowy and the roads were slushy and when I got onto the freeway my attention was on the road ahead of me and the semi trucks that were way too close to me in the next lane. Then as things started to get more into the flow with the traffic and the road was less slushy I was simultaneously lost in thought (baby thinking, no doubt) and listening to the radio...George "W" had a big speech last night so there is a big buzz all about it from all sides of the political spectrum. So my mind was occupied, but it still makes me just flabbergasted that it didn't register in my brain that I wasn't seeing all of the landmarks that I always see. I drive that road 5 days a week and have for 7 years. Of course it did finally trickle down into my brain. The thought was actually this:

"Gee, I don't recognize this stretch of the freeway. That's weird. I've driven this freeway so many times, why don't I recognize it? Is it because I am always on autopilot? If all of the sudden someone plunked me down in this spot right here I honestly don't think I would know where in the hell I am."

So after thinking those thoughts my attention to my surroundings became much more acute. I started seeing signs for roads and yes, even towns, and BINGO--realized that I didn't know where in the hell I was...or how in the hell that happened. So I took the next exit and decided to turn around and head back in the direction I was just coming from (when in doubt, back-track). And low and behold, the opposite direction was I5 north. This just confused me even more. I was sure of one thing, I definitely had not driven south on I5 all that way...but here I was about 20 minutes south and east of Tacoma!

So that was my big adventure today. It was more a mental adventure than anything else.

at least I don't call them my "fur babies"

Alright, so I am one of those people who loves her cats. I'm willing to own that. Here are two pictures I took tonight. Charlie out in the snow and Jackson. It is really difficult to get Jackson to look at the camera and/or hold still long enough.

so I guess they were right

I got up this morning and immediately got online to check the school district's website. There was a light dusting of snow here, but I work so far away from the school that the weather here and there can be extremely different. Just as I was logging on the phone rang. It was Angie calling to tell me that school was cancelled. She was worried that I might not get the call, so she wanted to let me know. I took the phone back to bed with me and had a hard time falling back to sleep. Eventually the phone rang again and it was Becky, who's job it is to call me (and others she is assigned to). Then, just as I was falling asleep, the phone rang again. This time it was the district's automated phone system.

I slept in until 10:00! I spent a good deal of time on the phone and on the computer contacting as many people as possible to let them know the event would have to be postponed.

Now we are covered in a light blanket of snow and I really don't know what tonight and tomorrow might bring. The news teaser seems to indicate that it will get worse. But the local news is always so sensationalized when it comes to these things. So, once again I am flippantly thinking "yah, we'll see." The thing about it that really sucks (besides the fact that we are now up to three extra days added to the end of the school year) is that I have a carpet and a helium tank in my car that are supposed to be returned tomorrow. If the snow gets really bad then I will call them again tomorrow and do my best to help them to find sympathy on me.

OK, after writing this next part here I am going back and writing this warning: I go on and on about why my anxiety is so bad when it comes to going to the dentist. If anyone actually chooses to read it, then it is not without being warned. I apologize.
_________________________________________________________
I finally made my dental appointments today! A small victory, I know, but it is something that has been weighing on my mind. The receptionist was so nice and seemed so understanding of my anxiety. She at first wanted to schedule the cleaning and check-up for one two hour appointment but was more than willing to schedule them for different days. I really had made some progress in regard to my fear of the dentist a few years ago. But Dr. Jones just did me in the last time I saw him. I really would have wanted to continue to have him as a dentist, as I felt such a connection to him and his family. He took my wisdom teeth out when I was in my mid 20s and I cleaned his house once a week for a couple of years while I put myself through graduate school (well, the second year I was in grad. school, the first year I was just a poor working girl). I didn't have any insurance, so he was willing to help me out. His wife was so kind, too. And then when my molar had to come out (I had one tooth that simply didn't have a replacement/"adult" tooth under it) he did the bridge. That was traumatic (in order to put in the bridge over the tooth lost, they have to--as I see it--sacrifice the two teeth adjacent to it by whittling them down to tiny nubs and fitting the "false teeth" over it...ugh). He refused to give me any drugs to calm me down, even though I requested them. His response was that it was important for me to get through it on my own. He said that dealing with my fear and anxiety without the aid of drugs would help me to overcome it and therefore would help me out for the rest of my life. Yes, I can see how this might be so. And, in fact, I made it through the initial procedure and did feel a sense of accomplishment and a newfound courage. But then the pain set in. You see, they first have to put a temporary bridge on while the permanent one is being made. The adhesive used to fit the temporary bridge irritated my gums and caused excruciating pain that literally kept me up for two nights before they could see me. Then when they were cleaning up the poor little remains of my two sacrificed teeth in order to fit the permanent bridge they had trouble getting me properly numbed. I complained of the pain and they gave me another shot. It happened again and I'm pretty sure that they tried once more to give me another shot...at any rate, it didn't work. I was in the worst pain of my life. The dental assistant apologized and said that she knew what I was going through as she had recently had a root canal and had a similar situation where they weren't able to get her properly numbed. She said that it hurt worse than natural childbirth, which she had gone through twice. Now, after going through the pain of childbirth myself (and passing a piece of placental tissue that was twice the size of my thumb a couple of months after William's birth) I can say for myself that the pain was worse. Maybe it is because it is right there inside of the head? I wasn't able to go to my "happy place"--wasn't able to focus, breathe, meditate...nothing. And I haven't been back since.

When was that? I shutter to really calculate.
__________________________________________________________
Wow, I wrote a lot about that. Even though I am fully aware of how this blog stuff works now (and that it isn't my own pesonal journal...I mean heck, I have actually purposeflully shared it) I still want to be able to write without (too much) self-consciousness about whether or not it is *interesting*. And yes, I am aware that it is precisely those sorts of self-conscious tangents that are the furthest from being interesting.

After I was up for a while today I was thinking more clearly than I was last night and have come to the conclusion that I will not try to get pregnant this month. I need a good month still of taking my vitamins and whatnot. And I have several projects around the house that I want to do before there is a small being growing inside. Things that involve paint and stain and other things that are not advisable when pregnant.

I went to one of the blogs I visit and found a link to this quiz you can take that tells you what your religious/spiritual beliefs are most in line with. I don't know how yet to create a link to another blog/site/whatever (I will ask Mr. C if he can show me how later).
Here is what it told me:
1. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (92%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (84%)
4. Orthodox Quaker (82%)
5. Reform Judaism (80%)
6. Sikhism (70%)
7. Eastern Orthodox (69%)
8. Roman Catholic (69%)
9. Seventh Day Adventist (66%)
10. Neo-Pagan (65%)
11. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (64%)
12. Hinduism (63%)
13. Orthodox Judaism (63%)
14. Bahá'í Faith (63%)
15. New Age (58%)
16. Secular Humanism (55%)
17. Islam (50%)
18. Theravada Buddhism (50%)
19. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (48%)
20. Mahayana Buddhism (47%)
21. Jainism (44%)
22. Jehovah's Witness (38%)
23. New Thought (38%)
24. Scientology (36%)
25. Taoism (36%)
26. Nontheist (32%)
27. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (27%)

And, even though according to that quiz I am only about 58% aligned with New Age stuff, I also took another quiz that I found while I was bopping around on the blogs. It gave me my results in html code, so this is the first time I have tried to put something like that into a post. I am very curious to see if it will work.

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

It worked! Yay! It is so funny that this brings me such joy!

storm's in the forecast

I was so delusional that I actually thought that I could leave work early enough yesterday to get home in time to call the dentist, go to the post office, and maybe even the bank! The reality: I was at work until after 7:30.

Today I absolutely had to leave work by 4:00, but it was because I had to go to the party rental shop to get the red carpet, then to the party supply store to get balloons and a helium tank. If I hadn't had to leave to get to these places before they closed then I would have been there pretty late again. There is just so much to do.

We had a final walk-through today and I took all of the kids down to the Gathering Hall and PAC to practice. They did pretty well, and all of the films are done, so I am not freaking out. Some kids were still finishing their display boards, though.

And everyone is buzzing about the weather forcast: snow...strong wind...freezing temps.

Huh...we'll see.

Nothing would shock me, considering the way things have already gone during the last couple of months. But I can't get worked up about it.

I am really looking forward to the Film Festival--and am going to try to enjoy it and not get too anxious that everything is running OK. And it will be nice to have it over with and to be moving on.

Tomorrow is a half-day, classes go until 11:00 and then we have professional development for the rest of the day.

I found out that the planning day for the 9th Grade Advisory Team is set for the 25th. This is great, since I had been expecting that it might not happen until February. So now I am able to get things prepared for that day so that I can help those teachers to be able to do their own planning. I am so far beyond done doing it myself.

During the times when I am not busy working my mind has been preoccupied with thinking about having another baby. I actually bought a box of OPKs today. I didn't use them before--didn't need them. I decided to buy them more out of curiosity than anything else. Hopefully I won't really need them this time either. I showed them to Mr. C and I'm not really sure what he thought. He may not really understand what they are, I don't think I've ever talked to him about them--never had a reason to. He would prefer it if we could just relax, go off of birth control, and have a lot of sex--even if, or maybe especially if, it takes a few months. He has no clue what that would do to me emotionally and I know that he wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain it to him. So, despite the way he might want things to go, I am determined to do what I can to get pregnant as soon as we can once we start trying. I've come to the conclusion that February really would be ideal, since it would mean that I would be getting all of the way through the second trimester over the summer. In fact, if my calculations are correct and I ovulate when I think I will, then I will be hitting the 24 week milestone around my birthday. That would be quite a great birthday present!

So there is a part of me that wants to give it a try this month! Or at least, not try not to. Today is the first day of my AF, so the big "O" is only a couple of weeks or so away.

I don't know...I'll see what the Peri says.

I absolutely need to go to the dentist before getting pregnant. Thursday, I swear, I will get home in time to make that call.

OK, peace out.

counting down the days

The last few days are all just a big blur now. I worked late each day and stayed up late once I was home...just brain-dead and on the message boards and reading blogs.

Our Best Man, Truman, and his fiance Heather are coming over in about an hour for football (Seahawks are in the playoffs). I think the only football fan is Mr. C, but the rest of us will go along with it just to be social. The house is a bit of a wreck. It won't take long to get it into a presentable state, though.

The film festival is Wednesday and I am so looking forward to it being over. This week was a bit frantic, trying to get all of the films onto dvd format and trying to get all of the details squared away with all of the other work that needs to be done and preparation for the event itself and having things ready. So many details and so much to consider...I hope I am not forgetting anything important. In the past Travis and I always complimented each other so well in regard to getting everything accomplished and accounted for.
___________________________________________________________

I am counting down the days until I see Dr. B. And only 2 pills left in my pack. Will she let me continue for one more month of BCPs before TTC? Will she agree that February is a good month? I need to go and find my list of questions that I have for her so that I am prepared for the appointment. You would think that after a year that I would have the questions memorized, but I know that when I get into the office I will be anxious and will not be able to rely on my brain.

Will we have trouble getting pregnant?

Am I ready?

Mr. C is ready. I can tell. He told me last month (when that pack of pills, which was supposed to be the last, ran out) that he was trepidatious. But he also told me that he feels very strongly that everything will be ok. I wish I had his confidence, or whatever it is that makes him able to say to me "You will go off the pill. We will get pregnant. You will get the cerclage. We will have a baby." All so matter-of-fact, it is at once both infuriating and, somehow, reassuring. He was like that when he had the cancer, too. I'm not saying that he wasn't scared and sad, but once the diagnosis was made and the course of treatment was set, he got very peaceful about it all. And after the surgery he was very clear that it was gone. He went ahead with the radiation treatments, even though he was told that they were optional (there was a more than 90% chance that all of the cancer was gone and that the radiation wasn't necessary), because he felt that it would be silly not to take every precaution available. But he told me that he felt like the cancer was completely gone. He was as sure of the fact that the cancer was there when things started initially pointing in that direction. Doctors were running tests and looking at this and that and he said that he knew what it was--that he could "feel" it.

I don't know that I will ever feel ready. I didn't feel really ready before we got pregnant with William. It was one of those things that I had to take a leap of faith on. Then as soon as I felt the first twinges that I might be pregnant (long before the BFP) I knew with every little part of me that I was ready. It was all that I could think about...my little baby growing inside of me and how happy I was.

Now our house feels so quiet and empty most of the time. I remember having that feeling the summer before we got pregnant with William. We hadn't even decided to try yet and I still thought it would be another year or so away. This flicker of a thought kept coming across my mind that something was missing.

baby brain

I did that thing on my drive in to work today where I start counting up the days/months in the "if I got pregnant in ______ (insert month such as January, February, March...) then..." and I figure out when the pregnancy milestones would most likely take place.
Due to the fact that I have had almost a year to think about what a new pregnancy could have in store (considering the IC) I have got my brain all wrapped around this idea that...

I will have a couple months where I can behave normally (during this time I will also be afraid of miscarriage) before starting to worry that my cervix will begin to shorten and/or funnel or dialate before...

...the cerclage is placed at about 13 or 14 weeks. I am scared of the surgery and of the possibility of infection and anything else that might go wrong. After the cerclage surgery I will be on bedrest for perhaps a week.

And then...it is a bit of a mystery because it all depends on how my cervix does. I will most definately be off my feet and resting as much as possible. And my worry is that the doctor won't put me on bedrest even if my cervix begins to act up, as many doctors are slow to prescribe bedrest. So with this in mind I am inclined to time the pregnancy so that I am on Summer Break during the "danger time," which is from week 18 until week 24. Actually it isn't as though I will be out of danger after week 24--it isn't as though the cervix all of the sudden becomes strong at that point. But that is when the sweet little baby reaches "viability" and has a good chance of surviving if born. Of course no one wants a baby to be born that early, so I will continue to be careful regardless of how the pregnancy has gone up to that point.

And what if it isn't even my cervix? What if I have an irritable uterus? What if I have both?

Less than two weeks now until I see the Peri, Dr. B, and hopefully she will have some answers for me. One of the big burning questions right now is whether or not I really need to go off of the pill for a couple of cycles before TTC. Only 5 pills left in my pack.

I guess I will mention work, since I was dreading it. I will try to keep it short, since it is boring even to myself. I was busy the whole time and didn't even get my desk cleaned off. I am so far away from where I wanted things to be with my art classes that I don't even have the energy to...well even to write much about it. At least my intro. students are making great paintings and my AP students are making really cool deconstructed books. My poor painting students are all so sadly behind...they started their self-portraits today finally and I am so hoping that they will be successful. Sheri came in to tell me that the planning day for the 9th Grade Advisory team she had set-up subs for this month isn't going to happen until next month! Yikes! But it really isn't that bad because Angie came to my rescue today and helped big time by getting all of the paper work virtually completed for the College visit and she even called and left a message with the woman at Seattle Pacific University! She really is amazing, because she did all of that out of the kindness of her own heart. And we did find out today that she and I will get a planning day on the 17th and some extra pay for our Service Learning work that we are doing. Which was an unexpected good thing. I could go on about all of the minutae, but enough is enough.

And a Happy New Year!

It is now 2007 and I am so happy that 2006 is history. Mr. C and I had a pretty nice time last night, he even sang a song (Ricky Nelson's "Garden Party"). He was set to sing U2's "One" but it was getting late and the DJ guy called out the names of the next 6 or 7 people to sing and didn't say his name so we decided to head home. It was a cold night but I really enjoyed walking with him.

I won't mope and complain too much about having to go back to work tomorrow. After all, I do love teaching and the kids and all. And every day is one day closer to Summer (ha ha). But seriously, I see myself now as being on the "other side" of the feeling that I have to do "everything"...that the sense of urgency and that it is all up to me to do the things that need to be done is in the past. And that is a really good thing. My desire for rest and to do the things that bring me joy, rather than working an unreasonable amount--doing things that are the responsibility of others, is a healthy desire.

Yesterday I got online and looked at the real estate situation. Things are looking OK out there. Houses are still really high in the Seattle area. The "bubble" may be busting in other parts of the country, but the prices aren't dropping much around here. One thing I feel certain about is that we will move by next fall. I will be thrilled if we are able to buy a house by then. But, if not, then we will move to a different rental--one that is more suitable for a baby.

I like a lot of things about our house right now, but it isn't in the best condition. We've talked about whether or not we would be interested in buying it if she was asking for a reasonable price. Of course we would need a professional inspection and appraisal before we would even consider it. From my non-professional estimation it needs: new windows, a kitchen remodel, a new water heater, bathroom remodels, and the electrical/wiring seems like it needs to be updated (which sounds huge). Actually, to make this house be what we would need (considering our plans for the future) would require doing a fairly extensive remodel. I would want to add on to the house at the front, and possibly adding another level above. This would give room to create more bedrooms (currently the house has two very small bedrooms) and more living space. Anyway, we have been here for over two years and it is time for a change. We absolutely love our neighborhood, though, so it is hard to consider making a change that might take us to a different neighborhood.