William 2/1/2006

William,

I thought about you all day today. I had to count on my fingers to make sure that it was true, that five years have gone by since you were here with us. Five years. The other day I was skimming through Facebook and saw the silly face of the little girl who's birthday was just a few days after you were due. Her mommy and I were so excited to be pregnant at the same time, were planning to go to childbirth classes together. Now when I see pictures of her I always see a shadow of you near by. Five. I remember being five, such a happy age.

You know how much I miss you. Daddy does, too. Each year when this day comes along I wish that there was something that I could do. I know other moms and dads take time apart in remembrance, make cakes or go to the cemetery. For me each year has been different. I wanted to go to get a new box to keep all of your things in, but my big event for the day was going to the doctor to check on your baby sister.

February is here. Decorated with hearts and sentiments of love. It used to hurt to see these things. It doesn't anymore. I remember where I sat, for weeks it seems, after you were born. This same little laptop kept me from completely falling into the abyss. As Valentine's Day was approaching I looked for a love poem to share with your Daddy. ee cummings has always been my favorite poet, and when I came across this poem I was dumbfounded. I thought I had read all of his poems, how had I never seen this before? It was like it had been written just for us.

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)