It occurred to me yesterday that sometimes my blog (and, I suspect I am not alone in this) resembles those beautifully crafted scrapbooks that some women are so passionate about. I heard a piece on NPR a long time ago that very cleverly and a bit cynically described one mom's foray into scrapbooking. She essentially said that the history she'd recorded was the glossed over version of the truth--that sometimes the story told on the pages could better be described as fiction.
Mostly I've held back this time because it has been pretty much impossible to write. But it is also hard to share my difficulties because I don't want to be insensitive. Who am I to share my woes when just a few short months ago I wondered if I'd ever parent a living child? And I also have to admit that I am embarrassed that it is this hard for me. That is not to say that I thought it would be easy, but I am just feeling so inadequate.
I am once again typing with one hand because he won't let me put him down. Things were good for a couple of days. But on Thursday we visited the doctor and the little guy had to have shots. He ended up with a fever and was fussy for the next two days. The doctor also recommended changing formula again (Vincent was getting a bit constipated on the formula that has rice starch in it). At first I thought he wasn't eating because he wasn't feeling well due to the shots. Mr C sent me over to Mothership's house to sleep in peace Saturday and by Sunday (after a good night's sleep for me) I thought things were really looking up. I thought my baby was no longer fussy, and was sleeping again, and not only was I going to get some sleep as well but my house was going to be clean once more, too. Then Sunday night I slept a mere 4 hours total. Yesterday he was crying and fussy and spitting up/throwing up and I could no longer blame the shots for his not feeling well. He still was only eating an ounce or two at a time, and fussing through feedings. So I went out and got the rice starch formula that had been working (despite the constipation) and I also picked up a can of the formula that is supposed to be gentle on the tummy, in case that was the problem. I tried the gentle formula first and he hated it. He devoured the rice starch formula--ate more than 6 ounces, and once I was able to get him to go to sleep he slept for 5 1/2 hours (which is a long time for him).
So last night I slept for only 4 hours (all in one stretch, which I guess was an improvement over the night before). Sleep deprivation has a way of casting a dark shadow over everything. Life looks bleak, and the anxiety is creeping in. To add insult to injury, this morning I could have pieced together a few more hours of sleep if it weren't for my racing mind and tense body (insomnia, I guess). He has been kind of fussy today, but it feels 10 times worse than it probably is.
Mr C is stressed out--Mothership is away and he is running the business alone and (among other things) the state licensor showed up last week for an inspection that wasn't due for another year. So he isn't as supportive, emotionally or otherwise, as I would hope. In the state I'm in right now this all just feels overwhelming to me and I find myself worrying about him intensely.
My mom is on her way over to stay a few days so I can get some sleep. I wish my dad could come, too, but he can't get away right now. I'm hoping Vincent will start doing better and that some good sleep will help me to get into the swing of this mommy thing. If not, then it may be that I might be experiencing some PPD. I really don't want to go down the medication road if I can help it.
Ugh. I really needed to get that all out. Thank goodness Vincent finally let me put him in the pocket sling. I discovered that he apparently will go in it if I keep his head and outside shoulder out. This means that only one hand is free, since I still have to support his head, but he has slept most of the time while I've typed this.
edited to add:
Damn it! It took me an hour and a half to type this--I could have been sleeping!
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3 comments:
I can't reccommend anything inparticular for Vincent - with my first dd I just tried everything. I don't know if she had a problem or was just miserable by nature. She certainly made me miserable.
I just want you to know you are not alone, you are not even unusual. You have the weight of an entire society telling you that you should be living the Huggies commercial life and and that's just a rare occurrence at the very best of times.
At this stage, let go of the clean house, the daily shower or anything else other than keeping your head together. You don't need the pressure. It's like swimming against the current - you will become exhaisted, you will drown. But if you just float and wait to be washed up onthe beach - you might be a bit sun burned and miles away from where you started, but you can make your way back from there at least :)
And you know what? It *will* end. He'll be torturing in a whole new way soon lol. And please - do not underestimate the power of sleep deprivation. You may have PPD, but you may just need a few nights of sleep and your mum is coming to help with that. You will be ok though - whether it's drugs (for either of both of you) time or sleep that makes it better, it will get better. Like Becky's Dr said "if it works, it works". Whatever gets you through, ok? Keep writing if you need to - being a deadbabymama doesn't make you immune to finding a live baby hard, nor does it make you superwoman. You don't have to be any more grateful for your healthy child than anyone else.
(((take care)))
I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel embarrassed. Parenting is hard and you're doing a great job and trying your best. That's all you can do.
I'm just here to 2nd all the other comments.
Please don't feel embarrassed or that you aren't allowed to find these early stages of parenting difficult just because you lost your son.
My kids weren't colicky and I nursed through the night and still felt like this. I cannot imagine the extended difficulties with feeding issues.
My suggestions -
stick with the formula he eats and look at other options for the constipation (the teeniest bits of prune juice will help) and I'm sure there are other options
don't understimate the power of music!
sleep as MUCH as you can when your mom is around. He'll be ok!
And if you do end up going the medication route just remember that you will get through this and be off it soon
I wish I was closer I would so come help! Unless of course you didn't want me to, what with the having no idea who I am outside of being a commentor :-p
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