I'm stealing some time away from work to write. The darn internet connection is down at home again and has been for a couple of weeks. I have no idea what is wrong with it or how long it will take until it is working again. Once again I get to practice being patient.
Our snow is finally gone. After more than two weeks of one snowstorm following another the temperature got above freezing on Saturday. I normally don't mind the snow, actually enjoy it, but not being able to leave the house by myself was crazy-making.
Today is the first day of week 22. We had another good visit with the Peri last week. My cervix is still holding strong and nice and long. The little guy looks great and is kicking lots and lots now. The P17 shots seem to make a difference with the contractions as well, but I still have a few here and there. All that being said, I have still had a rough last few days. It seems like a good doctor visit puts me on an emotional high for a day or so, then I crash down hard. I get myself convinced that something horrible is about to happen. It doesn't help that I have physical symptoms (cramping, lower back pain, contractions) that can be twisted into something dreadful. (I do know, though, what the real danger signs feel like...) The Peri offered to see me once a week during this time if I felt I needed it, but I said no. I know that I will be able to make it until my next appointment, which is in 10 days. It's nice to know, though, that they would fit me in if I called. And, of course, he has made it perfectly clear that if I ever feel like something was wrong that I should just head directly to the hospital.
It is so hard to not have even a modicum of control over my thoughts at times, too. Just like when the one year anniversary of William's birth/death was approaching, I have found memories presenting themselves without warning. This is the week that we went from everything being wonderful to everything falling apart. And it was exactly on the first day of the 23rd week that he was born. All told it was a five day ordeal and it is amazing how clear and precise my memories are. Things I haven't thought of...I guess things I thought that I had forgotten...are still as sharp as if they were happening now.
Mr. C has been wonderful. He is so peaceful now, so sure that this little guy will be in our arms, alive and healthy, in a few short months. At the same time, though, he comforts me and tells me that it is OK that I am freaking out. He has such a sweet way of reminding me of the facts, of bringing me into the reality of the present moment, while never invalidating my fears.
I made a paper chain for this pregnancy and I open a link for each week. Inside I wrote potentially comforting quotes. The quote for last week was "This, too, shall pass." Today the quote read "Life is not as serious as my mind makes it out to be." My response to that is that I believe that it is true, but it also pisses me off. My brother called me a while back and asked if I had been having much anxiety. He suggested using humor and silliness to help keep it at bay. Does anyone out there have any ideas or suggestions?
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8 comments:
Keeping busy helped me when pregnant with Li'l Miss, as well as having someone to talk to as often as necessary. Just getting it out gave me a little head-space for other things. Of course having older children, they kept me busy and I would 'save up' all my crazy and unleash it on DH or my Mum of an evening, when the kids were in bed.
I am hoping you will be able to relax a teeny bit after you pass William's loss week, as well as that important 24 weeks. I am sure you won't be carefree and fearless then, but just a little less anxious.
Thinking of you, Mr C and your little one. You know where I am if you need to 'talk', vent or whatever. HUGS
Thinking of you and the wee one over the next week or so. I hope the time passes quickly and completely uneventfully.
I've been thinking of you a lot and I was afraid when I hadn't seen a post in a while!
I'm glad that things are going well!!
As far as letting go of some anxiety...I made myself think of one thing that I was grateful for each day. When I went to bed at night, I'd think of one thing that I was grateful for. Sometimes it was still being pregnant, sometimes it was more physical like no contractions, and other times I was grateful for getting the chance to love Lily. It helped me put things more into perspective.
If it was out of control anxiety, I would talk myself down rationally. If that didn't work, I went to the hospital lol!
Seriously, I used distraction too. I would buy something for her after every great appointment, Derick and I or my mom and I would have a lunch out, I would watch stupid movies or distract myself with books. Whatever worked.
You have to do what you have to do to get through the day. Sometimes, for me, that included denial.
((hugs)) you've almost made it to 24 weeks. 2 weeks to go...you can so do that!
I went to the hospital a lot for my paranoia. Objective measurements, baby!
And being honest with myself about my feelings.
I am thinking of you these trying weeks, and always.
May 2009 be a great year for you.
Hi Basilbean!
I'm chiming in here to send love and good energy to you and the sweet little babe. I can imagine this will be a week of big ups and downs. I agree with previous posters about taking it minute by minute - with many pleasant distractions. I'm getting close to my scary time too. I just keep thinking "this too shall pass."
Wishing you a quiet week,
Janice
Hi there! I just discovered your blog from Erin's blog (we both taught together in Seattle, and she visited me when I was teaching in Thailand)..Anyway, I was interested in your blog because of your situation. I cannot say that I know completely what you are going through, but I too have an incompetent cervix and had a really difficult pregnancy last year (which probably could have been prevented if I had gotten the cerclage, but I didn't). But, I'm so sorry for your loss of William, and hope he's given you the strength for this new little guy. Even though I don't know you, I'm sending you good thoughts and hope you have a healthy rest of your pregnancy....and a safe, healthy delivery. Hang in there!
I hope the last week wasnt too unbearable, tho I'm sure some of it had to be. distractions are hard to keep up with, sometimes you can't avoid it. I just hope with each passing day, week, appt you feel more peaceful and hopeful, I did and still can't believe its over.
I hope that you are holding up and that the last week has been bearable.
I wish I had advice on how to hold the anxiety at bay. I am rubbish at it. I agree with the other commenters that having someone to talk to helps. Just to blurt out the insane things going round my head to. Kind of makes them less insane and more manageable.
Hang in there x
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