finally connected

We moved into our house at the end of January and all this time I have been without an internet connection.

But tonight when I got home I was delighted to see that the new router Mr. C bought today did the trick and the wireless connection is working!

I'm going to have to pace myself, because I am so excited to finally get caught up on blogs.

Yay!

I am an optimist and am not superstitious, but still it is difficult for me to write that things with the pregnancy are going well. They are, but that doesn't mean that I am not pretty much a nut-case most of the time. While the spotting hasn't returned and my belly is growing at a much faster rate than anyone can believe, I have cramping and lower back pain a lot and sometimes it sends me into a panic. There is a cause for it and it happened the last time I was pregnant, too, so my rational mind knows that it is "normal" (I have a retroverted or backwards-facing uterus, and as it straightens out it causes a lot of discomfort). I have appointments with both my OB and the Peri next week, so that will help. When I see the OB we will hopefully be able to hear the heartbeat with the doppler (if my effed-up uterus doesn't pose a problem). And when I see the Peri we will do an ultrasound, so that will be good--whatever it shows, for better or for worse, at least the results are reliable. If all looks good we will be scheduling the cerclage surgery then, too. If possible I am going to schedule my OB and Peri appointments so they are staggered, rather than occurring in the same week. The more frequent I can be seen by someone the better.

We were keeping the pregnancy a secret and planned to do so for as much of the first trimester as possible. But Pops (my father in law) blabbed the news three weeks ago to one of our employees. By the next day the word had spread like wildfire. At first I was filled with this fear that it would jinx things--now the pregnancy is doomed for sure. I get that feeling almost every time I write in the cute pregnancy journal that I bought in a moment of bravery several weeks ago. And today I went to buy the new book that my book group is going to read next and I found myself walking over to the pregnancy section, actually picking up one of those big books that walks you through your pregnancy (complete with a week-by-week section), and taking it to the register with me. As I walked out to the parking lot I was thinking that I had just done something stupid.

I'm almost to 10 weeks. It is still so early. Each day feels like a victory, though. The idea of 40 weeks is just too daunting. So instead my focus right now is to get to 15 weeks and the surgery. After that my focus will shift to 24 weeks and viability. I know that is still a long-shot, but it is something to grasp for. After that is 28 weeks, a much more realistic chance for survival. And if I can make it that far then I know I can start to breathe a little easier. Everyone around me is so darn positive about this pregnancy. It is touching, and I hope that I can join them in feeling that way at some point as well.