the skylark

Here are some pictures from the drop show tonight. They played at a place called the Skylark. It used to be called Maddison's and the band (different band, before they were the drop...I think that was when they were Glossolalia or perhaps also when they went back to being called Painted Sun for a while) practiced in the basement there and played shows there about once a month or so.

Here's a picture of little Debra and Bob. And there's a couple of Mr. C and me. I know my face is cut off in one, but I like the picture anyway. I got a hair cut today, but you can't really see my hair in this picture... Mr. C likes the other picture, so I am including it as well. The drop played a fantastic show. Everything sounded great, and I love the new songs.

busy...but in a good way

CD 8
"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake." -H.D. Thoreau

No time to write a proper post right now, but maybe later...

Mr. C has a show tonight and my sweet friend Debra and I have just stopped by the house for a bit before heading back out to hear him play.

a better day

CD 7
"Those who dream by night wake to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous...for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible." -T.E. Lawrence

he always does this

We didn't end up going to get Mr. C's glasses fixed because he just wanted to relax at home with me. When he came home he knocked on the door and said "I forgot my key!" and when I opened it he was holding a bouquet of roses and then he presented me with a card and not one but three different kinds of chocolate.

He is sweet. I am lucky.

Happy Valentine's Day

CD 6
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." -H.D. Thoreau

Mr. C is on his way home and we are heading out to see if we can get his glasses fixed--apparently he broke them just a little while ago. He had planned to work late again, so we have put Valentine's Day on hold for a little bit. Friday night the drop has a show at the Skylark so we said we'd do something Saturday. He remembered later, though, that Saturday night is the premier of this indie film that has a drop song in it ("Upside Down" is the name of the song, I don't know the name of the film). So we shall see what happens.

I got some nice little treats at work today. Both Angie and Melissa delivered Valentine sweets and a few students gave me cards or candy. So sweet. I told my first period class they could make valentines in addition to their work, but didn't set it up right (work first, valentine afterward) and they all just dove on the valentine-making and didn't complete their work. They were having so much fun, though, that I wasn't about to stop them. Sometimes fun is important...most of the time, really.

tread softly

During my first few years of teaching I would get sick every time we had a break. It's like I could hold it together because I had to, but then when I could rest my body would just fall apart. This happened almost as soon as Mothership and I got on an airplane to Europe during the mid-winter break of my second year of teaching. I coughed and sniffled my way through the Tower of London, The Louvre, Notre Dam, The Muse D'Orsay...etc.

Perhaps that is what is happening now only it isn't so much a physical sickness, since I am (other than the lack of rest) taking pretty good care of myself. Well, I take that back. Now that I see it in writing I have to face the fact that it simply isn't true. The truth is that perhaps in comparison to many other people, I have been taking good care of myself. But I am not other people and the reality is that I require some extra care. I don't know why (maybe I have my parents to blame for this one) but I have a delicate system. I don't just eat healthfully because it is "what is right," I do it because if I don't then I feel like crap. And, truth be told, I require at least 8 hours of sleep each night (this one I cannot blame on Dad, since he can do 4 or 5 most nights and be fine...Mom can easily sleep 12 a night, though). If I don't eat enough (which has been the case lately) then my blood sugar levels get really low and it impacts both my mood and my sense of physical well-being, which right now feels shot.

OK, so I've established that I am possibly feeling so crappy not only for emotional reasons, but for physical ones as well. It really is the whole chicken-and-egg thing...not to be too cliche, but "I don't eat because I don't feel good, then I don't feel good because I don't eat"...or was it the other way around?

Hmmmm...

Today is CD 5
"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams." -W.B. Yeats

What a nice quote, I like that one a lot.

I am home "early" today. Oh, I read something yesterday that was a throw-back to my New Age/Metaphysical days (not that they are totally behind me, but back in my hippy college days I was pretty into all of that stuff) and it made me think about the power of our words. So today I was thoughtful about the words I use and paid attention to how I answer people when they ask me how I am and stuff. Sure, the answer is that I am tired and feel like crap. But does it really help to go on and on about it? I just thought of it because I did leave work at a reasonable time today (it wasn't technically anywhere near early). I was in Sheri's office just before I left and when I said goodbye she said something nice and positive about me leaving then.

a mess

I am a mess. I'm going to bed soon if I can pull myself together long enough to put on my jam jams and brush my teeth. Just a sobbing mess. I feel like I am falling apart.

Nothing in particular, just feel like I can't do anything anymore. It's that "pause" feeling, only so much stronger...painful.

I wanted to leave work "early" today...I actually had myself believing that I could do it as I drove in to work this morning. But then that is not how it worked out. Grades had to be entered into the gradebook and it just took far longer than it seemed like it should have. And Mr. C called me on my cell to tell me he would be working late and then off to band practice. And that just made me feel sunk. I was bringing him home a pizza, too. So I called him from the car and he said to come by work. We visited while he caught up on his e-mailing. He wants to quit his job...wants to start his own business. I want him to do it if that is what he wants to do. Yes, it is risky. But life is too damn short to stay doing things you'd rather not do. I feel like we've hardly seen each other lately and I feel like it is my fault for working so many hours.

I hate this. I feel like a big baby, and I want to be held and rocked and told that everything will be ok.

Why is this hitting me now?

Why did I have to inherit this tendency toward anxiety? Honestly, I could really do without it. I appreciate the fact that it isn't worse, I do not need medication and it doesn't inhibit me from living a productive life...But when it does hit me it feels like it is ripping me to shreds.

OK. My word for tomorrow will be "no." No to everything and anything extra that anyone might ask of me. No, I cannot help you with that. No, you will need to find someone else to take care of that. No, I have too much to do already.

Mothership (that is Mr. C's mom) is coming to stay the night tomorrow. I don't know if he knows this yet. She called last night and said that she might be overnight, but I SWEAR she said she would get a hotel room. Now she is saying (in a message she left us on voicemail) that she will be staying on our couch. I'm really not sure how I feel about it and I don't know how Mr. C is going to feel about it either. Somethimes she is just so much to handle.

Here is my quote for the day (I am back to taking links off of my chain...I put it back together with the new cycle since it didn't start as early as I had thought).
CD 4:
"No man is happy who does not think himself so." -Publilius Syrus

Alright...think. think. think.