i hate grading

Very quick post since I worked so late today that I only JUST GOT HOME ten minutes ago. The two days that I took off of work happened to be the last two days of the semester...and grades are due tomorrow...and the Film Festival is Wednesday...and I could go on, but my point has been made.

Today's quote:
"There is only one way to happiness
and that is to cease to worry about things
which are beyond the power of our will."
-Epictetus

My chain says today is CD2, but I am still only spotting so I don't think I can truly call this cycle over.

Jackson is being feisty...I think he wants me to go to bed so he can cuddle at my feet. Mr. C says that he is guarding me when he does that.

ok, I must sleep now.

may my heart always be open to little birds

I hereby promise to myself that I will not turn this blog into the rantings of a woman who is obsessed with making a baby. This is not to say that I will not post daily, and will not chronicle my experiences to some extent. But I cannot let myself be consumed by all things "TTC." January was my practice month, and look how that turned out.

I made a chain with a link for each day of this month. It is an idea that I got from a woman on bedrest, as a coping mechanism to get throught the seemingly endless days and weeks. I did this for a slightly different reason, though, as 28 days is far from endless...

But each day is a precious gift that we have, and allowing myself to focus and obsess on OPKs and BDing and DPO and luteal phase length...and "am I?" or "am I not?" just has this terrible possibility inherent in it of sucking the very life force out of me. Which contradicts the very purpose of trying to make a baby...to create life.

I made the chain to remind me of that, and to help me to obsess less on which day it is and what CD I am at and if we should BD or not and all of that...I labeled each day for all of that information so that I will know. I can look at each day's link and it just says that on it. I also wrote highlights for each day as they applied (special events occurring and whatnot). And I wrote a quote on each one. I will include the quotes in my posts. I suppose I ought to start with today's quote (from now on I will put them at the start of my post).

"Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances."
-Benjamin Franklin

I realized something else today as I was looking for one of my favorite poems. The poem is by e.e. cummings, my favorite poet (his poem "i carry you in my heart" is one that reminds me of William...I put it in a previous post somewhere). The poem is "may my heart always be open to little birds" and Mr. C and I included it in our wedding program. It is on a the wall in our kitchen and I look at it almost every day. I wanted to have an electronic copy of it, so I was looking for it online. My search led me by accident to a blog titled "little birds" which is an artist's blog. I linked from it to another artist's blog (the sister of the "little birds" woman). I was inspired by this woman. Not necessarily by the work she does (although I like it a great deal) but by how prolific she is. And she works a full-time job (in education, no less) but she makes time for her art.

I am an artist. I am not saying that in the sense that makes Mr. C (an amazing musician, by the way) want to vomit. He abhors it when someone declars him/herself to be an artist. I am not declaring it in that way, as though it makes me important or significant. I am stating it as a simple fact: I am an artist. Just as I might say that I am a woman, or a mother, or a teacher...

But I allow myself very little time and space to create art. Here is my lame excuse: I don't have the time. The kind of art that I create takes TIME. Oh, but I do have time (just look at how much time I spend with this laptop, blogging and reading/replying to messages on the boards...)

I have time. But I haven't been spending it doing art because...here's the truth that I don't want to face but I will...Art allows me to feel deeply and even though I know I have allowed myself to feel deeply since I lost William I am scared of the chasm it feels like I will fall into if I allow myself to feel as deeply as painting allows me to feel.

I love painting. I would rather paint than do just about anything.

I, for the life of me, now that I see it in black and white like this, cannot think of a good reason (besides the chasm-thing) of why I would not allow myself to do something that I love so intensely.

So I will.

Here is the poem, then. I suppose it would be silly not to post it considering the importance it played in my self-revelation that I had today.
________________________________________________________

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

-e.e. cummings

here we go!

It looks like AF is here. I wasn’t expecting it until the 6th or 7th. Since I ovulated on CD 15 (which was the 24th) this means that my luteal phase was 10 or 11 days long. I’m trying not to worry about it being too short and there being something wrong (short luteal phase is linked to low progesterone or something wrong with the follicle--resulting in lack of progesterone). Technically, the luteal phase should be from 10 to 14 days, so it is within the normal range. I got pregnant before, and I will do it again.

So today is CD 1 and I am OFFICIALLY TTC!!! Hopefully I won’t drive myself (and everyone else) crazy all month. An ovulation calendar I found online gave me the following information (the last one I printed in a post had my cycle starting on the 7th).

2/04/07 - First day of your cycle
2/15/07 - A little bit fertile
2/16/07 - Fertile
2/17/07 - VERY fertile
2/18/07 - Time to ovulate

2/28/07 - A home pregnancy test may work now.

3/04/07 - End of cycle
3/07/07 - No period? Maybe you're pregnant!
11/11/07 - If you are, this is your approximate due date.

I will use the OPKs again and the Sperm-Meets-Egg Plan (BD every other day from CD 8 until pos OPK, then every day until a day after ovulation, skip a day, then do it one last time for good measure). Plus I also have the Pre-Seed to use as well. And I will NOT test until the 28th at the earliest.

OK, deep breath. Take it one day at a time.

gray, rainy Saturday

Today is a quintessential Northwest day: gray and rainy. The sky is bright, like the possibility that the rain might stop and the clouds might burn away is not entirely unthinkable. Not that I mind one way or the other what the weather does. I got up and drove to Green Lake to meet Erin for a walk this morning. Silly me, I got the time wrong and arrived an hour early. Of course I was running late as usual, so if I had had the time correct then I would have been 15 minutes late. This afforded me time to drive over to the other side of the lake to the Starbucks, though, and then I just sat in my Jeep looking at the lake while I waited for her. The rain didn't actually start until we were almost done with our walk, and even then it wasn't raining hard yet, so we didn't have to be wet for long. It sure was nice to spend time with Erin. She is going to San Francisco in a couple of weeks for a recruitment fair for teaching abroad. She is very excited about it...and I am excited for her. It will be a two-year contract though and I will miss her terribly! She will come back for visits, but still.

I have an appointment with Tiff today for a massage. This is one of the best things in life, truly. I also have to finish grading today--and I have a full file box with final drafts of research papers...definately not one of the best things in life. I can safely say that I HATE editing papers. That is one of the reasons why I choose not to be an English teacher, actually. But since I teach integrated Humanities it does require teaching writing in addition to everything else.

I'm feeling 99% sure that I am not pregnant now. Yesterday when I was out running errands I stopped in at the Bartells and bought a HPT though. It was one of the two-for-one deals, so that means that I have three tests in the house now. But I am kind of thinking that I won't test at all unless AF doesn't show on Wednesday...why waste a test?

And so it goes...

testing...take one

I said that I was going to post every day for the whole month, so now I have to follow through on that. I think it will be a short post, though, because I'm not feeling inspired to write much.

This morning I took a HPT. Sometimes I just marvel at how silly I can be, though, because I somehow got it in my head once again that today is 10 dpo when since I ovulated on the 24th then today is actually 9 dpo. Needless to say, it was a BFN. I've decided that I will allow myself to test again on Sunday and if it is BFN again then I will wait until after AF is due. But I am so on the fence about if I really feel pregnant or not. It so sucks that premenstrual symptoms are so similar to early pregnancy symptoms.

But I am at a new place with it all now. First I was freaked out that I MIGHT be pregnant (not upset, because of course I would be delighted to be pg because I want to have another baby). Then I was getting myself freaked out that I MIGHT NOT be pregnant because I had gotten myself all excited about it (funny how when your body is sending you so many strong feelings that mimic the feelings of being pregnant that you just get into the mindset of actually BEING pregnant). But here is where I am now: if I am pregnant then I will be happy (elated, scared, etc.); if I am not pregnant then I will be just fine--and looking forward to some fun days ahead of trying. Yes, I did say fun. One thing that Mr. C and I have always been right there with each other about is sex. I believe that it is an important part of our healthy marriage and I feel lucky that we are so compatible.

I had thought that if/when I saw the BFN I might be sad. It didn't have that affect on me at all. Primarily because it is so early to test (even when I had myself fooled into thinking today was 10 dpo, I know that it is awful early to test) and also because we weren't even trying, so it was a long-shot at best.

I am glad to know that regardless of what the pg situation is, my body was for sure working after being on the pill. My ovulation pain was intense. And all of the other pains and pinches and whatnot are most likely from my body producing progesterone and whatnot. Good.

flowers for our William

We took it easy today and did things at a pretty slow pace, so our trip to the cemetary was later than we had originally planned. It was a beautiful day today, and as the sun was setting the light was so pretty.

To My Sweet William...

William,
My sweet baby boy…I miss you so much. I know now that I always will, that no amount of time will make the fact that you are gone easier.

Today is the day, one year ago, that you were born…too soon, but we had to accept that you were coming and somehow find the strength to say hello and goodbye to you in the same breath. Your birth was joyful, despite the extreme and utterly painful sadness of it all. Daddy and I love you with more love than our hearts could ever hold. You are our beautiful and precious son, and we treasure the short time that we had to be with you—both before and after you were born.

In the days leading up to today I have found myself brought back by memories of the days leading up to your birth and death. At times these memories have been so strong that it was difficult to loosen the grip that they had on my heart and mind. I’ve found myself once again asking “what if?” and “why?” Even though the doctors have answered both of those questions time and time again and I know exactly why, and that there was nothing that I could have done to save you…I still hurt inside sometimes and wish that I could change things. I would give anything to have you here with us.

I allow myself to imagine what things would be like if my body hadn’t betrayed us all, if you had been allowed to continue to grow inside of me until you were truly ready to be born. You were so healthy and strong, that I know you would have continued to be a big baby. You looked so much like your Daddy, and when I look at pictures of him as a baby I feel like I am looking into your face. We never saw your eyes William, but I know they were that crystal blue color of your Daddy’s eyes. I do look at babies that are the age you would be and think of you—of all of the things that you would be doing now, of all of the things that our family would be doing. I also look at little boys of varying ages, little boys with their Mommies sharing that special bond. I see little boys with their Daddies and think of all of the things that your Daddy wanted to share with you, things that he will forever miss. And I see little boys playing or running around, and I think of how much joy you would have brought into this world…a joy that the world is missing, even if most people aren’t aware that you are gone. I allow myself to think of these things often and I know that I will never stop doing this.

Most of the time, however, I am not thinking of sad thoughts of you—of what was, but is painful to remember, or of what should have been. Most of the time my thoughts of you are much more peaceful and full of warmth. You are always with me, always in my heart, right there as I go about my life. I carry you with me constantly.

Love and more kisses than you can imagine,
Mommy