the littlest bean

checking in

2011-10-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

I just got online for the first time in over seven months. Wow. The world keeps turning and sometimes good things happen to good people. Monica, I can't believe that I completely missed your pregnancy. Not that I could have "been there" with you. I can barely be here for myself!

I'm not complaining. Not a bit. I just accept the reality that, for me, being a mom (at least at this stage of motherhood, we'll see what the future holds) means that pretty much everything else falls away.

Before I write anything more I have to say:

*Our baby girl Sophia was born on March 7th, just two days shy of being "full term" (36 weeks 5 days) at 6 lbs and 2 oz and 20 inches long!
*She came home with us the very next day (a "take home baby," yay!).
*Vincent, not quite two yet, came into the hospital room to meet her and said "Baby Sister, you get off my momma!"
*She was born with a lot of dark hair that stood straight up like a faux-hawk, so cute. My MIL kept trying to smooth it down, not listening to me when I explained to her that this is what her hair just does; the result would be baby girl looking like she had been through a wind tunnel--hair all at an angle (still cute).
*As one of our residents is known to say "she looks like a living doll." She is, too. So sweet I call her sugar.
*She started sleeping through the night before 3 months. Really. I'd put her down at 9 pm and she'd sleep until 6,7, sometimes 8 the next morning. Since I went to sleep then, too, that meant that I was getting my sleep, too. Holy cow--having been on the other side of that I feel like I've hit the jackpot.
*She was "colicky" though--after a couple weeks and until almost three months, she would scream from about 7 pm until 9 (if we were lucky) but usually closer to midnight. Nothing "worked," I'm convinced that it's neurological and some babies just have to go through it. We just loved her, held her--did the 5 S thing--and eventually she would fall asleep. Fortunately Mr. C would take her if it went passed 10 or so, then bring her back to me after an hour or two. It's funny how you almost forget this once it's over (Vincent would cry night and day, though, I don't know that I'll ever forget that! Mr. C, on the other hand, actually said to me at some point "We didn't really go through this with Vincent, did we?" I guess the important word there is "we" since he was so intimidated by Vincent that he hardly took him until he was much older.)
*She's almost 7 months old now and is sleeping in her own room in the crib. If she wakes up and cries I wait and she stops within 2 minutes or so. It was so hard at first to let her cry, but I learned the hard way, so I got through it. I'd watch the clock and, sure enough, within just a few minutes she would fall back to sleep. Since she was right next to me in the bassinet I knew that she was OK.
*And now, after almost 2 1/2 years, Vincent is finally going to sleep on his own, in his own room, even in a big-boy bed! He sleeps through the night (minus a couple of tumbles out of bed when he was getting used to the new bed) and even goes down for his nap without too much complaining.
*That is why I am able to be here--I've taken back the night! All I knew of helping babies sleep was Sears vs. Ferber, I really thought that you either fell on one side of the spectrum or the other. I wanted to hold and cuddle my boy as much as humanly possible. Fortunately I know more about sleep needs, etc. now and things are going amazingly better (and no one is doing much--if any--crying, either, so wah-hoo!)

thirty-four weeks

2011-02-16T16:50:00.000-08:00

It's been a bumpy road getting this far, but today we made it to thirty-four weeks. Mr. C has been very nervous that I'll go into labor any minute. I'm feeling a little more at ease. A week from today the cerclage comes out and, assuming that we make it that far (and I am feeling pretty confident that we will), each day after that will be uncharted territory.

The GD hasn't been bad at all. If anything, it has ensured that I eat regularly--since I have to test my blood sugar four times a day. My numbers have been fine, though.

I'm feeling a pretty even split as to whether or not I am ready for this little lady to be here on the outside yet. I want her to continue cooking, of course.

William 2/1/2006

2011-02-02T01:13:00.000-08:00

William,

I thought about you all day today. I had to count on my fingers to make sure that it was true, that five years have gone by since you were here with us. Five years. The other day I was skimming through Facebook and saw the silly face of the little girl who's birthday was just a few days after you were due. Her mommy and I were so excited to be pregnant at the same time, were planning to go to childbirth classes together. Now when I see pictures of her I always see a shadow of you near by. Five. I remember being five, such a happy age.

You know how much I miss you. Daddy does, too. Each year when this day comes along I wish that there was something that I could do. I know other moms and dads take time apart in remembrance, make cakes or go to the cemetery. For me each year has been different. I wanted to go to get a new box to keep all of your things in, but my big event for the day was going to the doctor to check on your baby sister.

February is here. Decorated with hearts and sentiments of love. It used to hurt to see these things. It doesn't anymore. I remember where I sat, for weeks it seems, after you were born. This same little laptop kept me from completely falling into the abyss. As Valentine's Day was approaching I looked for a love poem to share with your Daddy. ee cummings has always been my favorite poet, and when I came across this poem I was dumbfounded. I thought I had read all of his poems, how had I never seen this before? It was like it had been written just for us.

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

GTT take two

2011-01-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

I failed the one hour Glucose Tolerance Test (again, this happened last pregnancy, too). So yesterday I spent almost 4 hours at the lab. After fighting nausea for the first hour it went ok. The lab has a private waiting room with a little love seat where I could wait in relative comfort.

I got a voicemail from the nurse today saying she needs to talk to me about the results, so that doesn't bode well. I've called back but am now waiting for her to return my call. If it isn't one thing it's another. (I passed the three hour test last time.)

And I should have a more positive attitude today, since I had an ultrasound this morning that showed my cervix measuring 3.5 cm But, instead, I am in a total funk.

This is stressful. On all of us. I just keep telling myself that it's only a few more weeks until I can resume somewhat normal activity again.

This, too, shall pass.

bed rest

2011-01-06T14:24:00.000-08:00

When I was pregnant with Vincent I think some of the people in my life started to doubt that the pregnancy was really high risk. My cervix kept measuring almost 4 cm and other than being "worried" I seemed just fine. Never mind that once I got home from work every day I spent most of my time on the couch.

Anyway, when my water broke at 35 weeks we had our confirmation. There was never any doubt, in anyone's mind, that we would have another cerclage this time and follow the protocol for an IC/high risk pregnancy.

Things were going great until a few weeks ago. I ended up spending a few hours in triage at my hospitals L&D hooked up to the monitors while they watched me have lots of little contractions. The longer I laid there, the more spaced apart they became until they finally stopped. Those lovely contractions were accompanied by a lot of pressure "down there" and lower back pain, so it was nothing to ignore. The OB who was on call did an FfN (they take a swab & it gives a pretty accurate measure of whether or not you will go into labor within the next two weeks or so) and it came back negative so we went home feeling somewhat reassured. We scaled back my activity level for a few days (Mr. C and his folks both helped out a lot more with Vincent) and I stopped going to work. I settled in to a new routine, with Vincent and I at home every day.

Then, last Wednesday, we went for an ultrasound and found out that my cervix is measuring 3.1 cm. Some women would cheer at that measurement, but my cervix only got down to 3.5 at 31 weeks with Vincent and that was the last time they measured. So it scared us all. Now we have a lovely woman here during the days to help with Vincent and she takes care of the housework, too. And I am trying to stay positive.

I saw my Dr yesterday and he reinforced what we had decided on our own--modified bed rest. Which, according to him, means that I am to do as little as possible. Really, the only way that I could do total bed rest (I don't mean the hospital kind, which I've done, where you can't even get up to pee and they put those inflating boots on you to prevent blood clots) would be if I had someone watching Vincent all day. My lovely helper is here from 9 until 3:30 and that leaves a lot of hours in the day. He is content to crawl up on the couch with me for a short amount of time and then it's back to "show me," as he grabs my hand to take me to show me his toys or take me to another room.

Yesterday was the 28 week milestone, or the bronze medal, as my Dr calls it. He says 31 weeks is silver and 34 weeks is gold. I am filled with so many conflicting emotions and just feel so tired. It's odd, being on bed rest I would think I'd be, well, rested. But instead I feel worn out and have insomnia. Vincent woke up three times last night then ended up in bed with us until he woke up for good a full four hours earlier than I am used to. I've tried to sleep today but to no avail.

I know I need to look on the bright side. And I do. 28 weeks is fantastic and she is healthy and strong, I can tell. Girls do much better than boys when they are premature, so there's that, too. And Vincent is happy and we have someone so amazing here helping us. And even though we really don't need one more expense (still paying off bills from the last pregnancy!) we'd rather pay to have someone here than to have a long NICU stay. I could go on...

I could also vent about all of the not so bright thoughts I've been having, but I'll continue to keep them to myself. At least for now. Last time we had one goal: Live Baby. This pregnancy after a loss thing is not any easier the second time around. It's hard in different ways, but, like grief, it can't be measured quantitatively. It is hard. And I really think this is the last time we'll do it. That realization was painful at first, but it is becoming more and more sure to me (us). It makes me sad, though. I saw us as a bigger family.

OK, now that I got myself crying I suppose I should stop writing.

The little guy

2010-12-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

These pictures are in no particular order and don't really represent any kind of chronology. I think the most recent picture was taken when he was 14 months old...? I need to dump the photos from my camera and my iphone onto my computer. At any rate, I realized that I haven't posted any pictures of the little guy since he was only a few months old.

inching along

2010-11-30T00:35:00.000-08:00

Two days from now it will be the exact (gestational) day that William was born and died. I have an appointment with the high risk specialist tomorrow. While I have no reason to expect anything but good news from the ultrasound I am still a bundle of nerves. Less so than I would be if I didn't have the appointment scheduled. When I was pregnant with Vincent I made the mistake of not scheduling one for the loss week. I was a mess.

We had the "big" ultrasound three weeks ago. They are so thorough, looking at everything...and that darn doctor is so doom and gloom. The baby is fine. But before I got to feel ok about everything he did his best to scare me to death. There is (was?) a cyst on the brain. The u/s tech told me it means nothing and that it will go away. He eventually told me pretty much the same, but not until after he went over all of the chromosomal risk factors and how the cysts sometimes go along with Trisomy 18 (I think this is the one) but that this baby shows none of the other signs. So why not say that to begin with? He also had me worried about the baby's size, telling me that he was concerned that at 10 oz the measurements were a week behind where I should be. I didn't think that sounded small for 19 weeks 5 days, but he just kept bringing it up--saying it might not be significant, but it certainly wasn't insignificant and we would need to keep an eye on things. I got home and checked all of the pregnancy apps on my iphone and then googled it, too, and it is right in the normal range. I talked to my OB about him and without even having to go into all of the details he had the same take on this doctor as I do. But he's the only peri in town. Oh, and I found out that I have (had?) marginal placenta previa. We'll see how that is going tomorrow. I am not worried about it.

And we found out that this is, indeed, a baby girl. I honestly would have been equally happy to find out that it was another boy. It is starting to sink in that we're having a girl, though. So now we are dealing with the whole name thing. We pretty much have decided on what we'll name her and I think I made a mistake by telling people. We kept it a secret with Vincent once we decided (which was pretty late in the pregnancy anyway) and that way no one could give us their opinion since it wasn't up for debate.

Vincent is 19 months old and is talking like crazy now, so many words and phrases. Today I said the name to him and asked him if he could say it. He mouthed it to me a couple of times and then a moment later said it really loud.

___________
update:
*The cyst is gone.
*The placenta is moving up, as expected.
*Baby girl is growing great! 1 lb 4 oz
*We left without setting another appointment. I will talk to my OB, but I think we can monitor my cervix here at the hospital, rather than at the specialist's office.
*Mr. C said a name today that I am now seriously considering. We'll see.

another tiny bean

2010-10-17T00:31:00.000-07:00

I've wanted to post for weeks. But it's the same old thing--hard to find the time to write and then there's the old paranoia. It gets better, but it's still there.

Every milestone, every check point, every little victory...followed by the old familiar fear and the sensation that there's another shoe and it's gonnna drop.

But here we are again.

I had cerclage surgery last Tuesday, just as I started week 16. Everything went well, very well. And now I am recovering and will figure out, each day, how to "take it easy" while being a mom to a very active 18 month old.

We had a hard time getting pregnant with Vincent and expected it to take a while again. Five weeks later, when I finally admitted to myself that my period was a week late, a test from the dollar store confirmed it. It's been a combination of joy, fear, denial, and hope ever since.

Mothership gave me my first P17 shot this morning. One down, twenty more to go. If we make it that far then it will be a week farther than I made it with Vincent. Into the pregnancy, that is, as he was born at week 35. I stopped the P17 shots at 28 weeks with him. Why did I do that? My doctors exhibited very little faith in the shots, so maybe I was influenced by that. I don't know. At any rate, I stopped and a few weeks later my water broke. Interestingly, this time my doctor brought them up on his own. He seems to have had a change of heart about them.

Other than the familiarities of a pregnancy after a loss and all of the high-risk blah, blah, blah--this pregnancy is completely different than my first and second. It's hard not to buy in to all of the old wive's tales and imagine that this time it's a little girl. Time will tell. Of course that is of no real concern to me. Alive, that is all I care about.

Loose ends

2010-08-30T09:12:00.001-07:00

Why do people take down their blogs or erase all or most of their posts when they feel like they are "done"?

I just don't get it.

I realize that I haven't posted in so long that this blog is pretty much done. But I think that it will just sit here, even then. Probably a Good-Bye post, if I really do feel like it is over, but still it will exist.

The reason why is that it is a record of where I have been. I no longer reference it, but others may. Over the years I have received many e-mails in addition to the comments that let me know that it has offered something to people out there. So maybe it still will. I know that when I really needed it I found some blogs that helped me keep my head above water. Most of those blogs no longer exist. A couple of them still do.

I understand not blogging anymore. My days are full from beginning to end. It's just the deleting that I don't understand. Maybe someone can help me see why it's done.

------------------

That being said, the reason I got online this morning is because it's been bugging me that in my last post I mentioned something that happened and didn't elaborate. I said I'd explain and didn't.

In case anyone out there cares, but mostly just to make myself feel better, I will attempt to explain it now.

I didn't write about it then because it just seemed like something that other people wouldn't understand or would think was strange or maybe even silly. But hey, if that is the case then what can I do about it?

Here is what happened:
Mr. C went to a therapist because he was feeling an intense amount of anxiety. When he was telling her what was going on with him he told her that it might sound crazy, but he had had the distinct feeling like he was under attack. He told her that the feeling had been so strong that he had actually pulled his truck over that day before and just said out loud to leave him alone. She said it didn't sound crazy to her at all. She took out a pendulum and they spent the next hour or so calling any entities that were surrounding him to leave, to go into the light. When they finished with the ones that were surrounding him they asked if there were any surrounding me. I was at home, unaware of what was going on. There were a few, but then there was one that didn't respond as the others had. With more questioning it became clear that this spirit was different. With even more questioning it occurred to them that it was William. He was hanging close to me, to us, to watch over us. They told him that he could go into the light. He did.

This was not a New Age therapist. Not that that matters. I guess you either believe that there is more to us than this physical existence, or you don't. The therapist went on to more conventional practices and has ever since. Mr. C's anxiety improved dramatically within just a few weeks of treatment and he has been doing great since then.

--------------

We are well. Busy, but just all the normal-life stuff. I wish I could find time to write and to read blogs, but it just doesn't seem to happen. I miss it and I miss those of you that I feel connected to from this world. I still peek in on you every now and then.

William: 2/1/2006

2010-02-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

I just put Vincent down for a nap and am fighting the urge to do chores, etc., as I usually do.

It is hard to believe that four years have gone by. Four years. I have to count them on my fingers to check...yep, it's true.

My days are busy from start to end and "spare" moments are few. Someone said something to me the other day about cherishing the rare moment of silence that comes along and I couldn't help but think that I have been all too familiar with silence...with spare time. I didn't think this in a negative or judgmental way, like I am so enlightened and anyone who doesn't see it the way that I do just doesn't appreciate what they have. No, it was just a matter of fact. My days, hours, minutes are full. I am thankful for what I have.

Vincent is growing and developing like he is in full-speed-ahead mode. It's been like this from the start for him, but since he reached 9 months he seemed to take a quantum leap forward from being a baby to being an almost-toddler. Maybe they all do this and I just don't know because all of the baby stuff is new for me. He is a joy. He is such a lover and so darn happy all of the time. He has a great sense of humor and loves to laugh. That goofy laugh I developed when I was pregnant with him hasn't gone away and he has it, too. I guess I got it from him.

I won't go into all of the details, but something profound happened on Saturday. I don't know if anyone still reads this very inactive blog (nothing to read in almost 5 months!) but if you are interested in the details I will share them through e-mail. At any rate it came to our attention that William had been hanging around to watch over us. He was gently told that we are OK and that he can move on. It hadn't occurred to me that letting go could go both ways. It sounds odd to write it out and in such a brief way, but that is what I am comfortable with right now. I will say that although it happened two days before the date of his birth/death, it wasn't something we went out looking for (not a visit to a psychic or anything).

The pull to do disheslaundryetc. is winning out.

back at work

2009-09-18T01:11:00.000-07:00

Today we went to the yearly picnic for senior citizens and a photographer from our local newspaper took this photo. The little guy is teething and he fell asleep with my thumb in his mouth.

happy birthday to me

2009-07-22T00:27:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful day. The little guy slept for (oh my gosh) ten hours, so I woke up very well rested. We went over to the folks' house for a bbq and I realized once I got there that they had organized a birthday party for me. My SIL decided that I was a pretty-pretty-princess and she got me a pink feather boa and a tiara to wear. Vincent was the star of the party, of course.

our tough little guy

2009-07-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

I'm glad that I haven't had a chance to post until now. If I had written on Friday night then anyone reading would have been scared right along with me. Instead I'm writing four days later--two CT scans and a very positive follow-up with our pediatrician later...

Friday after dinner I thought it would be nice to take Vincent over to his grandparent's house for a visit. Vincent fell asleep on the way over so I left him in his car seat in the kitchen while I picked raspberries in the backyard. After a few minutes he woke up crying so I went inside to get him. Mothership came inside as I did, she had set a table on the patio for us to enjoy some watermelon and she was excited to take Vincent outside to listen to the birds. I took him out of the car seat and she asked if she could carry him. The next bit happened really fast but felt like it was in slow motion. We stepped out of the house onto the patio, Mr. C and Pops were playing catch in the yard. Mr. C told his mom he thought we should stay inside--he was worried about having the baby outside while they were throwing the baseball. She kept walking, she had her mind set and he wasn't going to get her to change it. The dogs (our Gracie and her two pugs) ran in front of her and she tripped over Gracie's leash that we all had neglected to unlatch from her collar. She fell forward, clutching Vincent in her arms and managed to hold onto him until her elbow hit the cement--then the back of Vincent's head hit the cement as well. I scooped him up immediately and felt a giant goose egg on the back of his head. He was crying like I had never heard him cry before.

The drive to the hospital felt like it took forever. Waiting for the clueless woman in triage was infuriating. But once a nurse showed up things moved much faster. The next thing I knew we were getting a CT scan. The doctor finally came back with the results and I thought I was going to pass out when he said that there was a skull fracture and two small bleeds in the frontal lobes of the brain. He explained to us that Vincent would need to go to Spokane or to Seattle, since none of the hospitals in our area have a pediatric neurosurgeon on staff. He said that he didn't think that Vincent would need surgery, but that because he had both a fracture and bleeding that he needed a higher level of care than the local hospitals could provide.

I flew with him to Harborview Hospital (the region's trauma center) in Seattle. Mr. C, my mom, Mothership and Pops drove, so it was a few hours until they joined us there. By the time they arrived we were finally getting Vincent settled in a room--the time until then was spent primarily in the ER but also getting another CT scan and several x-rays. It took a few more hours before a doctor came by to tell us the findings from the scan and x-rays--that the bleeds had not gotten any worse and that there were no injuries to his neck or spine. He said that we needed to stay for at least 24 hours of observation but that we would most likely go home on Sunday. After getting this wonderful news the nurse was able to take Vincent out of the hard papoose carrier and I was able to give him a bottle. Words cannot express how it felt to hold him in my arms again.

Vincent charmed all of the nurses. The sweet little guy really was amazing through everything--he hardly cried or fussed at all. Poor Mothership landed on her face after she dropped him, her nose is in pretty bad shape. She was an emotional mess for quite a while, too. But she went with us to see the pediatrician yesterday and I'm glad she did, because he really helped us all to feel better. He had talked with the doctor from Harborview and based on the information he was given and his examination of Vincent he assured us that he is doing very well.

back on the happy pills

2009-06-17T23:49:00.000-07:00

It has become more and more apparent with each passing day--first to my family and now to me--that I am in need of something more than a helping hand and a good night's sleep.

This really sucks. I hate feeling like I am weak and can't pull through on my own. But it is back to an antidepressant. It's been a year and a half since I went off of the cymbalta and I've done really well. I feel like my anxiety level during the pregnancy was pretty reasonable, especially considering it being a subsequent pregnancy after a loss and a high-risk one at that. The way I've been feeling lately, though, is not reasonable.

I have no appetite and have a hard time choking down food when I do eat. I have insomnia and my mind just won't quiet. Usually I am one of the most patient and low-key people you'll ever know, lately I am irritated and pissed off by the littlest annoyance. And I am weepy and crying a lot. My thoughts go rapidly into a catastrophic range. I often have this overwhelming feeling like I want to run away--yet I love my life, my family, Mr. C and little Vincent, my home, etc.--so I wish that I could split myself into two people, which makes no sense. Fleeting feelings and thoughts of this nature could be explained by sleep deprivation, but this is something more.

So it's back to the little green pills. I may have mentioned before that there are a couple of people in my family (not to mention close friends) who rely on medications to live a happy life. Somehow, though, while I see the benefit of medications for others and hold absolutely no negative judgement, when it comes to me using them I feel like a failure. Maybe it's because I got through my last episode of anxiety and depression through not only the use of antidepressants (6 months) but also through meditation, energy work, healthy eating/exercise/sleep, and a spiritual path. Through these methods I have felt good for well over a year--so why don't I feel good now? I think I also feel like a failure because so many (most) women have babies and don't fall apart like this. I did take to heart the kind words in the comments a couple of posts ago, and I get it, I really do. I also get that while all of the "complementary" methods I use to manage my tendency toward anxiety and depression are effective, that the way I am feeling now (as Mr. C has pointed out to me) is neurological and biochemical. He says that all of the talk therapy, meditation, fish oil, etc. in the world won't do the trick when your brain and body chemistry are out of balance. Maybe in a couple of weeks (when the drugs have kicked in) I'll feel better about things. But right now I am sad and angry that I am back here again, I really hoped that I never would be.

Vincent is doing well. Thank you Hennifer, the prune juice works like a charm. We are still experimenting with just how much is neither too much nor too little, but all in all he is much more regular and happy for it. I made a chart to keep track of his natural rhythms (sleeping and eating) so I can see if there are any patterns and also so I can make adaptations to my expectations and whatnot. He was 10 weeks old last Saturday but from everything I read he is more in line with a six week old, which pretty much holds with his adjusted age. Until he is at least three months adjusted, or he shows me otherwise that he is ready, I will continue to follow his lead when it comes to sleeping and eating and not push too hard to impose a schedule. That being said, I am doing what I can to reinforce what I feel works best (for both of us). He is no longer constantly fussing and needing to be held or walked around. Now when he fusses or cries I can figure out what he needs without too much confusion and he is back to being a happy baby again before too long. He is smiling, cooing and sometimes attaching vowels and consonants. My mom got him an activity gym and he kicks and hits it and gets really excited. He also loves to lay in his changing pad and have me kiss his face and tummy. We go for walks almost every day in the sling with his head out so he can see everything that is going on. He prefers this to the stroller because he loves to watch the world around him and listen to all of the sounds.

And here is the part of the post where I am tempted to try and wrap this all up with a neat little bow somehow. A look on the bright side, a silver lining, something positive among all of the muck. I don't have it in me. I'm pissed off that I have all of the things in life that I ever prayed for, yet I am miserable.

I heart my mom

2009-06-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

I just put the boy in his crib and I'll go to bed soon, too.

It has been wonderful having my mom here. Mr. C keeps teasing her that we aren't going to let her go home. She is in heaven, though, and is in no hurry to leave.

Thanks so much to those of you who have commented. Your support means so much to me and it really helps to read about what others have been through, your ideas and advice, and just to know that you care.

I'm tired, so I won't write more right now. But here are some pictures...

what a difference a day makes

2009-06-09T14:21:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me yesterday that sometimes my blog (and, I suspect I am not alone in this) resembles those beautifully crafted scrapbooks that some women are so passionate about. I heard a piece on NPR a long time ago that very cleverly and a bit cynically described one mom's foray into scrapbooking. She essentially said that the history she'd recorded was the glossed over version of the truth--that sometimes the story told on the pages could better be described as fiction.

Mostly I've held back this time because it has been pretty much impossible to write. But it is also hard to share my difficulties because I don't want to be insensitive. Who am I to share my woes when just a few short months ago I wondered if I'd ever parent a living child? And I also have to admit that I am embarrassed that it is this hard for me. That is not to say that I thought it would be easy, but I am just feeling so inadequate.

I am once again typing with one hand because he won't let me put him down. Things were good for a couple of days. But on Thursday we visited the doctor and the little guy had to have shots. He ended up with a fever and was fussy for the next two days. The doctor also recommended changing formula again (Vincent was getting a bit constipated on the formula that has rice starch in it). At first I thought he wasn't eating because he wasn't feeling well due to the shots. Mr C sent me over to Mothership's house to sleep in peace Saturday and by Sunday (after a good night's sleep for me) I thought things were really looking up. I thought my baby was no longer fussy, and was sleeping again, and not only was I going to get some sleep as well but my house was going to be clean once more, too. Then Sunday night I slept a mere 4 hours total. Yesterday he was crying and fussy and spitting up/throwing up and I could no longer blame the shots for his not feeling well. He still was only eating an ounce or two at a time, and fussing through feedings. So I went out and got the rice starch formula that had been working (despite the constipation) and I also picked up a can of the formula that is supposed to be gentle on the tummy, in case that was the problem. I tried the gentle formula first and he hated it. He devoured the rice starch formula--ate more than 6 ounces, and once I was able to get him to go to sleep he slept for 5 1/2 hours (which is a long time for him).

So last night I slept for only 4 hours (all in one stretch, which I guess was an improvement over the night before). Sleep deprivation has a way of casting a dark shadow over everything. Life looks bleak, and the anxiety is creeping in. To add insult to injury, this morning I could have pieced together a few more hours of sleep if it weren't for my racing mind and tense body (insomnia, I guess). He has been kind of fussy today, but it feels 10 times worse than it probably is.

Mr C is stressed out--Mothership is away and he is running the business alone and (among other things) the state licensor showed up last week for an inspection that wasn't due for another year. So he isn't as supportive, emotionally or otherwise, as I would hope. In the state I'm in right now this all just feels overwhelming to me and I find myself worrying about him intensely.

My mom is on her way over to stay a few days so I can get some sleep. I wish my dad could come, too, but he can't get away right now. I'm hoping Vincent will start doing better and that some good sleep will help me to get into the swing of this mommy thing. If not, then it may be that I might be experiencing some PPD. I really don't want to go down the medication road if I can help it.

Ugh. I really needed to get that all out. Thank goodness Vincent finally let me put him in the pocket sling. I discovered that he apparently will go in it if I keep his head and outside shoulder out. This means that only one hand is free, since I still have to support his head, but he has slept most of the time while I've typed this.

edited to add:
Damn it! It took me an hour and a half to type this--I could have been sleeping!

some random thoughts...

2009-06-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how slowly eight weeks can pass when you are pregnant and how quickly it can pass when you are not.
__________

Before I drifted off to sleep last night it occurred to me that June 7th was William's due date.
__________

While driving in the car the other day my sister accidentally called Vincent William. She asked me if I had done the same. I haven't. She said when they visited last that Mr. C did once or twice, but she didn't call attention to it.
__________

Many other DeadBaby Mommas have said that their subsequent child(ren) look "just like" the one they lost (a couple have even used the term "carbon copy"). Vincent doesn't look at all like William. It wasn't until after he was born that I realized that I had expected him to. One of the first questions I asked (after it was clear that he was healthy and well) while they cleaned him up and took measurements and whatnot was if he had a dimple in his chin. I have a dimple in my chin and so does my father. William had a dimple in his chin. Vincent does not. He has a beautiful, tiny chin that is entirely his own.
__________

On Thursday Vincent was two months old and my sister and her husband and I took him to see his doctor. Mr. C wasn't able to make it because work was too busy. The doctor couldn't get over how big he is getting (10 1/2 pounds and 23 inches!) and how much he looks like Mr. C. He said that all Vincent needs is a little beard and he would look exactly like his daddy. So now Mr. C wants to find a little fake beard for the next doctor appointment.
__________

Putting away clothes that he has grown out of makes me sad somehow.
__________

He prefers to be cradled in my arms, rather than held up with his head on my shoulder. He is getting so big, though, that he is starting to spill out of my arms. I'm not sure how long we can keep it up.
__________

I tasted formula and it is terrible. How can it taste so bad? I tasted my breast milk and it was sweet. Just one more reason to be sad that breast feeding didn't work out.
__________

Does anyone know an effective way to get rid of ear worms? I keep getting annoying songs--or, rather, parts of songs--stuck in my head. I think it is due to the sleep deprivation. I should start keeping track of what gets lodged there because I'm sure some day I will find it to be funny.
__________

Speaking of funny, today Mr. C and I watched "Tropic Thunder." Robert Downey Jr. is fantastic.

all is well

2009-06-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

After so long without posting I feel like that title is a must.

I've tried to write, and even now it is one-handed, but have been glued to this boy.

So many things might have been written/shared/saved for posterity. But, alas, all thoughts, feelings, etc. over the last few weeks are now lost or a blur.

For the first 4 weeks or so this was due to the round-the-clock feedings every two hours.

Then, he stopped sleeping during most of the day. He went from hardly crying at all, to needing to be held and rocked while awake. He started spitting up and throwing up a lot. After a visit to his doctor to make sure it wasn't something serious I started adding rice cereal to his bottles*. Since this requires a faster flow nipple he started taking in too much air, which lead to a lot of gas. And the rice cereal also caused constipation. Heck, I would be fussy, too. So I decided that the doctor wasn't right. I switched him to a different formula. Now, a week or so later, it seems like he is deciding to sleep more during the day and fuss less. At least that is what he has done for the last two days, which is why I am able to write. I am praying that we have turned a corner.

Since I have never taken care of an infant this is all new to me and I've had no idea what to expect or what is "normal." I realize that there is a wide range of behaviors that are still considered normal, but really I have no clue. He is putting on the weight, though, so I know I am doing something right. He was 5 lbs at one week old and now, at eight weeks he is over ten pounds! And then there is the whole preemie thing. Even though he wasn't super early, a month still throws off all of the developmental expectations. The doctor told me that we do need to adjust for the time until he is two years old. At some point it won't be significant, but at 8 weeks that is half of his age.

Ugh. This is all sounding pretty negative. He is beautiful and I am still in awe of him. I am just very sleep deprived. I've called in reinforcements, though. My sister and her husband will come and stay for a few days so I can get some sleep. Next week my parents are planning to come. After that Mothership will be back from France. And maybe, just maybe, over the course of the next few weeks he may start sleeping for longer stretches at night and be a little less needy during the day time.

*I didn't give up on breast feeding easily. I kept at it for a long time and even saw the lactation consultant again after my six week check up. And while I was able to get my supply going OK and he was able to get over his difficulties pretty much, too--it just wasn't enough. He was needing more than my body could give him. I kept pumping, though. until just a couple of days ago. This was a very difficult process for me emotionally. I had a vision of what it would be like with him, and breast feeding was very much a part of that vision. I shed a lot of tears about it. But I have to keep things in perspective.

not really able to write, but...

2009-04-24T11:31:00.001-07:00

here are some more pictures.

2009-04-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

An update and pictures

2009-04-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

I knew I'd be busy but...WOW!

We saw the Pediatrician after having Vincent home with us for four days and found out that his weight had dropped down to five pounds. I was so worried, and crushed that breastfeeding wasn't enough to give him what he needs. It was due to several factors: him being born five weeks early (not so good at the suck-swallow-breathe thing), the time in the nursery (bottle feeds and the IV in addition to my breastfeeding), and my supply taking a big dive due to the lack of breastfeeding during the time he was in the hospital and the ineffective breastfeeding he was doing while at home. So we were given 24 hours to put some weight on him, otherwise the doctor wanted to readmit him into the hospital. We went home and started a schedule of feeding high-calorie formula every two hours. It worked, and we have continued this schedule for the past week. We see the doctor again on Thursday for a follow-up.

I rented a hospital-grade pump and started taking R@gl@n to get my milk supply back up. I am determined to breast feed. Since I started the medication I have been dumping out the milk, which makes me sad. Before that I was adding it to the formula and still breastfeeding him for comfort (for both of us). I tried using fennugreek first, but it just didn't seem to be doing the trick. Fortunately the stronger stuff seems to be working, so I think I can go off of it before too long.

I do plan to write about the birth and Vincent's early days. I will try to steal some time soon. Mr. C created a website for the little guy. He gave me permission to share it here. It can be found at: www dot v!nc3nt chr!stoph3r mcbr!d3 dot com It is a work in progress, and some things need to be fixed, but it's not too bad and he has posted a TON of pictures (some I'd rather he wouldn't, but he likes them). Here are some pictures that can only be found here:

A week later, and we're both at home

2009-04-12T12:17:00.000-07:00

Little Mr. Vincent is a week old today and he got to spend the whole day at home with us.

Well, he was a week old yesterday, but I barely got that sentence typed!

Oh my goodness. But I did get a few stretches of sleep last night, thank goodness for a breast pump and a Daddy who is eager for some one-on-one time with his boy.

I will find time to share the details soon. And, yes, pictures. For right now I am going to use the bit of time I have before he wakes up again to get something to eat.

He is doing well and we are HAPPY beyond measure. Thank you so much for all of the kind words of congratulations and encouragement. They meant so much to me during the hospital stay when things seemed to be two steps forward, one step back--and helped me to maintain my optimism.

thirty-five weeks, five days...

2009-04-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

...and that is where we stop counting.

At 9:13 a.m. on Saturday, April 4, 2009 our son Vincent was born--a month early but strong and healthy. He is in an incubator but is breathing without assistance and while his first night was a bit rocky it looks like we have really turned a corner today so he may be able to come home with us (fingers crossed) Tuesday.

I will write more details later. I wish I had thought to ask Mr. C to bring the cable for the camera, so I could post pictures, but I will be going home tomorrow myself so I will do so then.

Seeing our Little Guy with leads and an IV has been hard, but I have (for the most part) been able to keep things in perspective (only one melt down, so far). He is well. He is alive. He is beautiful.

so much baby stuff

2009-03-29T00:03:00.000-07:00

The dresser and the crib were delivered on Tuesday morning and when I got home from work that day I started painting the tree. It is still a work in progress. I plan to add birds and other critters and who knows what else to it. I was inspired by a tree I saw in a PB catalogue a long time ago and through my travels online I found the same tree on a site that sells wall decals. I chose to paint it, though, since it allows me to make it fit exactly where I want it and to customize it. I don't know if it is evident in the photos, but the tree also goes up onto the ceiling.

Having these new additions to the house was just starting to sink in when, a mere four days later, I carried a car load of baby stuff into the house. Mothership threw me a baby shower. It was lovely. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about having a baby shower, but I am glad that we did it. Even though it was a bit overwhelming, it felt so good to be surrounded by so much love. I'm taking my time putting things away and don't really feel ready to start washing things and all that. A part of me thinks that I should just get it all done, though.

We had the shower at one of our Homes, and most of the pictures include at least one of our residents. For privacy reasons, I won't post them (I can crop them out, but don't want to do that right now). Here is one that only has me in it.

And here is a picture of the cake.

thirty-three weeks

2009-03-16T07:52:00.001-07:00

Yes, we are at 33 weeks now and these photos were taken yesterday. I haven't kept up with my writing, though, so the following are some "highlights" of the past week:

Tuesday morning Mr. C woke up from a night of poor sleep, since the chest pain he had been experiencing off and on for a few days had plagued him during the night. He'd had his vitals taken both by one of our nurses and Mothership over the weekend and everything looked fine. But still, something was obviously not right. We both suspected that a call to his doctor might force him to go to the E.R. but what neither of us were expecting was that not only would that be the case, but so would admission to the hospital for 18 hours of "routine" observation. Ugh. Hospitals suck. However, he is (thank God) fine and his heart, blood pressure, cardiac enzymes, etc. all passed all of their tests with flying colors. He has a follow-up appointment with his doctor tomorrow. After he got home from the hospital he decided it might be a good idea to remove the memory foam topper from our bed, and reports that he has slept better since then and has no chest pain. Hmmmm...
____________________

My sweet, dear friend flew over from the other side of the state for a visit this weekend. It had been a long time since we'd had a visit, but she is one of those friends who you see after a long time and it feels like you were just together the day before. It was wonderful to spend time with her and I am so thankful for her :)
____________________

We started our childbirth class on Monday and it went well. There are four couples total, as another couple joined the class, so that feels like a good number of people. My impression after the first class is that two of the women are fairly naive about the whole thing. One of them kept talking about the movie "The busine$$ *f being b*rn." The teacher seems to have a very balanced perspective, though, and does a good job of redirecting the conversation as needed. She knows about my history and has encouraged me to share as much as Mr. C and I feel comfortable sharing. My feeling is that I will talk about things if they become relevant. After the class Mr. C did vent a bit to me about how he was feeling in response to some of the things that were said by the two women in class. Overall his sentiment was that the most important thing, the thing that will make this a "successful birthing experience," is to bring home a live/healthy baby. That's it. Sure, we may have to deal with some things that are annoying or a bother--a nurse may say something rude or insensitive (perhaps, but this hasn't been our experience in the past--quite the opposite, actually) or someone might push the epidural pretty hard (and we, gasp, might even say yes) or we may even get to a point where a c-section is advised (and yes, we trust our doctor and our advocates enough that if this is advised then we will trust that it is warranted) but when all is said and done what really matters is that this Little Guy will be on the outside, safe and sound. Maybe something along these lines will be shared at some point in class. Perhaps, but hopefully only if it can be said in a gentle, honest way that will actually be heard. We have our second class tonight.
____________________

Mothership sat next to my OB at one of her doctors/practitioners meetings at the hospital last week and they got a chance to talk. We had planned to discuss the hospital situation with him at my appointment tomorrow, but she brought it up with him then. Turns out that unless I go into labor before 37 weeks I will have to deliver at the hospital that is close to my house, where he delivers all but the preemies (the other hospital, the one I'd prefer, has the NICU). I have no desire to jump ship and find a new OB at this point, so I will deliver here. It will be OK. I'm glad that I have a few weeks to wrap my brain around it, though.
____________________

As I believe is evident in the photo above, the Little Guy is continuing to grow--and I, subsequently, am getting huge. I had to break down yesterday and buy several new maternity tops, since the tops I'd thought would last through the pregnancy just aren't covering the belly anymore. Fortunately, although when I look at my legs and my behind I find it hard to believe, my pants are still fitting me.
____________________

I believe that I may be experiencing what they call nesting. It may just be a response to being on modified activity for so long, and now being able to be more active, but I have been working on projects all over the house. It feels nice.

catching up

2009-03-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

This last week the countdown entered single digits, and as of tomorrow we are at the "eight weeks to go" point. It is strange to find myself, after months of being hyper vigilant about PTL, now starting to not only see the probability that we will make it those eight weeks, but perhaps even go beyond. I now find myself worrying about all of the other things that could go wrong. Since there is no evidence of any of those things I am usually able to assuage my fears fairly quickly.

I saw the Peri this week and all looked great. My cervix is still long (3.5 cm) and closed--no funneling. And based on how well things have gone and still appear to be going, he told me that I don't need to come back! So that felt like a huge milestone--knowing that we are at a point where the Little Guy would most likely be able to breathe on his own should things take an unexpected turn.

Yesterday we went shopping and came home with this:

Mothership is throwing me a shower at the end of the month and yesterday we also picked up invitations and other things for the shower, which are all in my car. Last night I found myself feeling really low, when lately I've been feeling really good. While it is exciting to get good news, move into a "safer" part of the pregnancy, buy things for the baby, plan a (gulp) shower...it is also very REAL, very scary.

Oh, and tomorrow we start a series of childbirth preparation classes. I found the teacher when I was looking for Hypnobirthing classes. She doesn't do Hypnobirthing, but teaches from the Birthing from Within philosophy. I've read the book and while I wouldn't place myself too far to that end of the spectrum (in regards to "natural" childbirth vs. "gimme everything you've got") I like the holistic approach to birthing that it espouses. Something that is really attractive to me is that it will give Mr. C and I an opportunity to honor this time leading up to the birth, to acknowledge our feelings and how our lives are changing. The class will be small, just three couples total, and will be held here at our home. Originally I looked into the classes that the hospitals in our area offer, but they just seemed too clinical to me. Besides, hospitals make Mr. C really uncomfortable and that is not what this should be about.

And speaking of Mr. C, he is still holding out on the name decision. Just when I thought we had come to an agreement, he has thrown another option (perhaps two) into the mix. That doesn't mean that we won't go back to the name we had pretty much agreed upon, but it does mean that it is still up in the air for a while. I think he might be doing this just because he finds the whole process to be fun. Whatever the reason, it does keep me honest when I tell people that we don't know. Since it seems that even if we decide "for sure" he may still change his mind, I won't be disclosing the Little Guy's name until after he is born.

almost thirty-one weeks

2009-02-28T23:55:00.001-08:00

circa twenty-five weeks

2009-02-27T17:18:00.000-08:00

The cable finally came for my camera!

Now I will be more inclined to take pictures. Of course I could have been taking them all along (as I had intended) but, well, I didn't. The Little Guy/my belly has grown a lot in the last six weeks or so since this picture was taken. That shirt doesn't even fit me any more.

three hours

2009-02-26T10:22:00.000-08:00

Last Friday I had to go to the lab for the three hour GTT. I was there for closer to four hours because there was some sort of mix up with their paperwork. Fortunately the woman was kind and thoughtful and went ahead and started the test before she had everything sorted out.

I did start to get pretty nauseated at some point into the second hour. Fortunately they had taken me back to a private waiting room with a sofa so I was able to lay down while the feeling passed. I got a lot of good reading done, so that was a plus. I'm reading a really good book right now.

And I passed the test, no GD. Yay. I wonder if I failed the one hour screening because I didn't really fast for it?

___________________

A woman I (used to) work with (she hasn't been working since December) had her baby yesterday. I went to the hospital to see them yesterday afternoon and held him for a long time. He is perfect, beautiful, and weighs almost 9 pounds. She told me her birth story. Maybe I'll write later about some of the things this has brought up for me. Nothing bad, really, but lots of thoughts. Oh, and last night I dreamt, for the first time I can recall, about the Little Guy being here.

___________________

I think we have a name. There are two that we really like and yesterday morning I thought I had come to a decision which one is right. Then the other name came up TWICE yesterday in random circumstances. It is a very uncommon name, so I am now wondering...
I guess there is still time to get it figured out. But I really liked feeling like he had a name, other than Little Guy or The Baby.

I just have to get this off my chest

2009-02-22T11:03:00.000-08:00

I really hate THAT question. Ask me when I'm due. Ask me if it's a girl or a boy. Ask me what we plan to name him. But WHY ask if he is my first? You don't see me with another child in tow, so just leave it be--please!

I answer appropriately for the situation--if you are a stranger or someone I won't ever really get to know, then you get the lie. If not, then you get the truth and usually it isn't something you wanted to hear. Well that's too bad, isn't it?

Sorry. But I feel (a little) better now.

where did the posts go?

2009-02-21T11:50:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's just me, but after publishing my last post my blog now no longer shows any of the posts on the page. I can click on them, and they will show up, but the page looks blank.

I hope this corrects itself because it is really bugging me.

too close

2009-02-21T11:18:00.000-08:00

I just stole a few minutes to visit some blogs (despite my long To Do list for today) and found Niobe's most recent post (sorry I still haven't gotten my act together to link properly...she is in my link's list, though). Since I haven't posted a picture in I-don't-know-how-long, her post has inspired me to post a picture that Mr. C took well over a year ago. He had given me a new camera as a gift, and proceeded to take a ton of pictures with it, one is this extreme close-up of my eye (it may be a bit too close for comfort, I'm afraid).

The other day I finally got online and ordered the darn cable for my camera, so it should come in the mail soon. I know that the one that came with the camera is around somewhere, but I'm tired of looking for it/hoping it will materialize.

What color are my eyes? Well, they are brown--I suppose that is obvious. But they have specks of gold in them and depending on the lighting (or, I like to claim, my mood) they take on a more greenish cast, so I have often referred to them as hazel brown. What color eyes will the Little Guy have? That is a question that I am so looking forward to finding out. According to what I learned in high school biology class, it is pretty much a 50% chance they will be brown and a 50% chance they will be blue. Mr. C has the most beautiful blue eyes, and his father and my mother both have blue eyes as well.

twenty-nine weeks

2009-02-17T20:59:00.000-08:00

I was at the Peri's office bright and early today and had what turned out to be a wonderful appointment. My favorite sonographer did the ultrasound and, as usual, she was kind and made sure we got a really good look at the Little Guy. It sucks that our scanner isn't set up, because she printed up several 4 D pictures and he looks so cute. I think he has Mr. C's nose, but Mothership says that they always look like they have big noses when they are really little like that. At any rate, I like Mr. C's nose and I don't think it is big. Besides being treated well and getting good pictures all of the data looks great. My cervix is still long and shows no sings of changes, if the story is the same when I go in in two weeks then that will be our last visit to the Peri! And the Little Guy is three pounds and is measuring well on all of the aspects that they measured for. The fluid, cord, and placenta all look just as they should as well.

When we met with the Peri in his office to go over all of the data I did address the billing issue. He was very cool about it all, but I could tell that he was pissed off at the woman who had talked with me on the phone. It is taken care of now, and I feel good to have it behind me and that I did it myself, too (Mothership was there to back me up, but I did most of the talking and managed to do so without getting even a little bit emotional).

Tomorrow I see my OB. It's been four weeks since I've seen him and I'm curious to see if he gives me a bad time again about the weight gain. I'm now almost at the top of the recommended 25-35 lb weight gain range, with about 11 weeks to go. All I can say is what I've said already--I am eating very healthfully and don't feel like this is an unreasonable amount. Sure, I would have loved it if I could have made it through this pregnancy with only a cute baby bump and nothing extra on my thighs and my bottom, but that's just not the way things have gone. And seeing those chubby cheeks on my three pound baby today just made my heart jump right out of my chest; every pound I will have to work off later will be worth it.

feeling down

2009-02-15T19:10:00.000-08:00

I think I'm getting motion sickness from all of the emotional ups & downs I've been through lately. Nothing really bad has happened to warrant the downs, I've just been extremely sensitive. I find myself crying over something, then I get mad at myself for crying and it just makes it worse. Today I woke up just feeling sad and negative...down in the dumps...blue. I hope I snap out of it soon.

Is this typical for this part of pregnancy? Is it because of the P17 shots? Or is it just me?

I had a really, really bad experience last week over the phone with the woman who does the billing for my Peri. I have been paying the bill--chipping away at it with pretty hefty payments, even--but still got a nasty note on my most recent statement. So I called them to have a chat about things and was completely blind-sided by the response I got. Despite the fact that I made two payments in December and one in January, she spoke to me as though I were delinquent on my account (she had the same records I had right in front of her, I checked) and was basically demanding a HUGE payment or I would be dropped from the practice. What? They are the only Maternal Fetal Medicine practice in my area, so where else would I go? I was offering to make a payment over the phone but it was only half of what she wanted that day (and, she added, another payment of that size when I see them next week for my appointment--followed by the balance of the account next month!). So I ended up saying bye-bye to her without even making a payment. Then I proceeded to have a complete meltdown right here in my living room. Not just tears and boo hoo, but all-out screaming. Yikes. I pulled myself together enough to call Mr. C and he talked me down. You see, while we have several other large medical bills right now (yes, we have insurance, but this all--as many of you I'm sure are more than well aware of--still costs a lot of money), we are doing pretty well financially. I feel like I should knock on something, given the current state of the economy. WE are doing well, but I make a fraction of what I used to make before we moved here. And I am used to taking care of things MYSELF. So I was so happy that I had figured out how I could manage all of the medical bills from my account. The bill will be payed in full when I go in on Tuesday, but Mothership is going with me and she is going to make sure that the doctor is aware of how this woman treated me. She is one heck of a bad ass when she wants to be, too, so we'll see how that goes.

But other than that experience things have been going well. We had a nice Valentine's Day. Still, I'm feeling pretty down.

Tomorrow will be a new day, though, and I plan to wake up feeling better.

twenty-eight weeks

2009-02-09T19:36:00.000-08:00

I saw the Peri again last week and my cervix is still holding strong. Unfortunately I got the grumpy sonographer and on top of that she took me into the "little" room, so I couldn't even see the Little Guy since the room doesn't have the second monitor and she didn't turn her screen toward me. I was feeling passive so I didn't say anything. Mothership will be with me for my next appointment and she will most certainly speak up if a similar situation presents itself.

Getting to 28 weeks is a huge milestone, one that felt so far away and so unattainable for such a long time I could hardly let myself think much about it. My paper chain has only two links on it now, since I was only able to go as far as 30 weeks when I made it. 40 weeks was too daunting and I told myself that 30 was enough. At the first visit with the Peri he told me that he would love to see me make it to 30 weeks, so I guess that reinforced setting it as my "big" goal. At this last visit he told me that we are in much safer territory now, especially since I haven't shown any cervical changes. It is so nice to see him being so optimistic, because he sure was a downer during those early weeks.

I still have some difficult times, when I worry that something terrible is about to happen. Fortunately there always seems to be some logical reason for any troubling symptom I am experiencing. And the Little Guy cooperates with a kick or a jab (or what sometimes feels like jumping jacks) to let me know he is doing well in there. For the most part I am doing well emotionally, too, but every now and then I find that I just need to cry and get it out.

Tomorrow I will call about childbirth classes. I've done some research into the available offerings and feel like I know what direction I want to take. First I checked into the two hospitals where I may deliver, just to see what they have, but I wasn't impressed by either option. I am very interested in hypnobirthing, though, so I called one of two women in my area who were listed on the web as certified teachers. The first woman I called said she isn't currently teaching, but referred me to a woman who is a doula and also teaches childbirth classes using the Birthing from Within philosophy. I looked at her web site and really liked what I saw. So I think what I would like to do is take her 6 week course (hopefully she is offering one that fits into my timeframe) and do the hypnobirthing home study course.

Oh and the hospital situation is one that I will have to deal with sometime soon as well. I chose my OB because he has specialties in high-risk pregnancy as well as infertility. I feel that I chose very well, except for the fact that he delivers at the hospital where I'd rather not have the baby. The hospital I prefer happens to be the one with the state-of-the-art NICU, so I guess I figured that I'd end up delivering there anyway. Now that the possibility of a full-term pregnancy is looking more and more realistic, it seems that I am going to have to figure this out. My OB can deliver at both hospitals, but he is employed by the one I don't like (as are his nurses, etc.) so he only delivers at the other hospital when it is before 37 weeks. Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated.

Mothership is coming home tomorrow from another trip to France. She allowed for a day or two in Paris at the start of her trip before going to stay with her parents, so she could do some shopping, and asked me if there was anything special she could get for me. I think she was hoping that I would ask her to look for things for the baby because when I did she became very animated. It made me feel good to see her so happy and excited. I'm looking forward to seeing what she comes back with.

three years ago

2009-02-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

I woke up early this morning and found that I couldn't go back to sleep. So I came downstairs and decided that I needed to write to William. The words were hard to come at first, but they did come. Then the tears followed, and along with them more words. After I felt done writing I went upstairs to the room that will become the nursery. In the closet is a box filled with most of the mementos of William. I took my time and allowed myself to cry as I lifted out each item, looked at the pictures, and read the notes and messages. I even read through the journal entries that I wrote shortly after we returned from the hospital.

Today won't include a trip to the cemetery or a cake or released balloons, but I am remembering my beautiful baby boy and am feeling the presence of his spirit.

William,
Today is the third anniversary of your birth and death. I still miss you and I still think of you every day. Some days you are on my mind a lot, as memories come back to me when I see or hear things that trigger them. Other days it is how it has been for quite some time now--less of a specific memory or even a thought and more just the feeling of you and how much I love you. You have left an impression on me that will forever be felt. Your life has changed my life and it will never go back to how it once was. I used to curse the fact that you died because my life changed so significantly that day. I used to think that my life was better before and that if only you had lived that everything would be good and happy and right. Sometimes I still wonder how things would be different now if you hadn’t died, but I do not long for a now that doesn’t exist. You lived and you died, and as a result we will never be the same. That is a fact. But despite the pain that we went through and the loss that we still feel, and will always feel, I have come to accept that you are gone. Our lives are beautiful. And not because your death was “meant to be” and your reason for being here with us for such a short time was part of some big plan to teach us a big lesson. I believe that all of life’s experiences are opportunities to learn lessons—not just the big events that shake us to our very foundations. I believe that each day we are faced with lessons and it is up to us to see them or not, to learn from them or not, and even whether we experience them through joy or pain or not. So yes, your life and your death have been lessons that I continue to learn from. I choose, each day (though some days I am more successful than others) to embrace the life that is—rather than looking back at what once was or looking into a distorted pool of imagining what could have been, might have been, or—most dangerous and distorted—a notion of what should have been. This does not mean that my love for you is lessened, or that the impact of your spirit is dimmed in any way…those things are just not possible. In a way it seems, though I think I would have thought this impossible for quite some time, that accepting the fact that you died has opened up an even bigger space inside of me to feel the intensity of your love. For a long time I think I needed to hold onto my painful feelings because a part of me felt that if I let go of them that it somehow meant letting go of you. It seems now that it is only in the letting go of the pain that I can really “hold” you. Oh William, this makes so much sense to me now. You were never anything of pain, you were and are only love and joy…my beautiful baby.

ninety-nine days

2009-01-26T18:28:00.000-08:00

I was reviewing my calendar before I left work today and, according to the note I put in it at some point, today marks the point in the pregnancy countdown where I have moved from triple to double digits.

After work I stopped off at one of those big discount shopping places to buy a big mirror for my studio/dining room. According to Feng Shui principles I need a mirror on the north facing wall of this room because the house notches in at that particular place and as a result makes that section, which happens to be the "wealth" section, missing. That is certainly not good Feng Shui. But I digress, because the reason I mentioned stopping off at the big store isn't because of Feng Shui or mirrors. While I was there I decided to cruise the aisles to see what else might catch my eye. I've never gone past the front section of this particular store before, so it was more out of curiosity than anything else. After passing through most of the store, well at the back, I came to an aisle full of baby items. I decided to buy some things: an organic wearable sleep blanket, a flannel waterproof crib pad, and a simple cotton receiving blanket. It didn't feel as scary to do this as I had anticipated.

The sun came out today and while it was bitingly cold it was still lovely. According to weather.com tomorrow will most likely bring clouds and rain/ice but in the days ahead the forecast features more little sunshine illustrations than it does clouds. Yay. People who have lived here for a long time tell me that winter is pretty much over by the middle of February. I usually take whatever weather comes along and don't mind one way or another. I lived the first 11 years of my life in a town that is only a few miles away from the Pacific Rain Forest where it rains what seems like 360 days of the year. People out there joke that the natives are born with webbed feet. For the rest of my life (until I moved to the east side of the state) I lived in various locations throughout Northwest Washington, so rain continued to be a big part of life. But lately I have been longing for the sun.

This poem by Emily Dickinson has been on my mind lately:
Hope
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

always on my mind

2009-01-25T14:59:00.000-08:00

Last night we had our friends and their two girls over to watch the fight (yes, we love boxing...who would have guessed it?). We've done this a couple of times before and I really enjoy it. The girls are 11 and 14 and we are in mutual admiration of each other. The older one told her mom after their first visit, "I wish BasilBean was my big sister" (I cried when my friend told me that). The little one bought and wrapped a gift for me for Christmas. It is a bib that looks like a ghost, a big white gumdrop ghost wearing green and white striped socks and brown shoes. Gracie tried to eat it, perhaps in her first show of rivalry with the baby, but I was able to rescue it before she did any damage.

After the fight we were all sitting around eating freshly baked chocolate chip cookies when the topic of baby names came up. We don't plan to share the name with anyone until he is here and actually named. I realize that people differ on this topic but we feel like once he is named it is more likely that people will keep their opinions to themselves. When it is still theoretical, though, people seem to be more likely to think their opinions matter. Anyway, we haven't decided what we will name him so it isn't dishonest when we tell people that we don't know. That response yesterday prompted an onslaught of suggestions. As it went on for such a long time I began to wonder if the name William would come up. I vaguely wondered if my friend had told her girls about him, but I guess I assumed that they knew. Then it happened. In fact, it turns out that it is their dad's middle name. So I said that we wouldn't name him that because that is the name of our other baby. The expression on the little one's face told me that she clearly didn't know. I then explained in that way that I have become so adept at that he was born too early and was just too little to survive. She asked me when his birthday was and I told her that it was coming up on February 1st. She said she thought it should be celebrated and I told her that I do celebrate it, in my own quiet way. Her response to this was that it should be celebrated with a cake. Mr. C said that he thinks William's brother would like the cake. The room had a different energy through all of this, much more still, as her mom, dad, and older sister seemed to be just watching it all unfold. Somehow the room returned to its former lightness, though, and we all continued to share ideas about names and all of the different associations that we have with them.

William's day is on a Sunday this year, since last year was a leap year. It will be three years since we said goodbye to him. I haven't visited his grave since the one year anniversary. It is now almost five hours away, but even when it was only about 20 minutes away I went there only a total of three times: the day he was buried, the first Mother's Day--when the marker had just been placed, and then on the one year anniversary of his birth/death. It is a beautiful cemetery, but going there was very hard for me. I realize that for some people visiting the cemetery fills a need; I can imagine that this is the case for a variety of reasons. I'm not sure when I will go back there. Right now just writing about all of this is bringing up so much raw emotion that I don't think I could handle it, anyway. I am sometimes tempted to open up his box and look at all of his things, but, likewise, I am not sure what it would do to me. While I feel like each day is a little bit closer to a sense of security and confidence that this little guy will come home with us, I'm still not to that point yet. I wish I were. I remember reading on someone else's blog during her sub-pregnancy as she got to the point where she could write that she knew her baby would be coming home with her. It was so lovely to see it unfold, too, as she subtly became more and more optimistic over time. Others, I realize, are virtually holding their breath until their babies are safely in their arms--perhaps this is more often the case.

The room that will be the nursery is still the guest room. It is currently a nursery only in my mind's eye. That is, I should note, save the fact that last winter I painted it a lovely pale grayish blue. It is a very fashionable color, so it doesn't scream "nursery" or even "baby boy." Still, that is exactly why I painted it the color I chose--because a part of me was holding onto the hope that someday our little boy would live in that room. That I would rock him there, read him stories, put him down for naps...that he would crouch down on the floor there while he played with blocks or a little train. These wishes and dreams cannot be stifled, no matter how detached I have tried to be. My friend at work, the one who lost a daughter to anencephaly, told me a couple weeks ago that she thinks I need to start buying things for the baby. (She, by the way, had her 20 week ultrasound last week and her baby boy looks perfect.) She told me that she thinks that it would be good for us to start getting things because it will help us to feel more confident that he will be coming home with us. My response has been, and continues to be, that I will do it soon.

Just as it was important to get passed the loss date in terms of gestation, I think it may be significant that William's day is approaching. It was much easier last year than it was the first year. The actual day was hard last year, but the time leading up to it didn't seem to be even remotely as difficult. But that first year the pain was intense, the memories so vivid and uncontrollable. Three weeks ago I experienced something similar, but by comparison it was much less intense. Even still, I was a wreck for a few days. I guess this is another example of how non-linear and unpredictable grief can be. Throw into the mix the turbulence of a sub-pregnancy and the potentially mood altering effects of progesterone shots. Oh, and the lack of sunshine, could that be bringing me down as well?

Yes, this too shall pass. But sometimes I feel like I am on a roller coaster.

this feels nice

2009-01-24T09:21:00.000-08:00

It seems as though we are back online again. I almost feel like I shouldn't even write that--as it feels like I will jinx it if I do. For some reason it has been difficult to get things up and running properly, and to stay running at that, so I cross my fingers that I will continue to have my little laptop here, in the comfort of my own home, connecting me to the outside world.

I had two doctor visits this week and all continues to be well. My OB gave me a hard time about my weight gain, though. He said that it would be fine, if I were delivering next week. The thing is, I am a little person and have been a healthy weight my entire life, I'm eating healthy food, and while I do have a little extra on my rear parts I am still fitting comfortably into my size XS pants. So I told him that I am not concerned. There is a big baby boy growing in my giant belly and if that means that by the end of this pregnancy I have gained 35 lbs (or more) rather than the 25 that is apparently ideal, then I can handle it. I saw the Peri, too, and the cervix is still nice and long and showing no signs of opening or funneling.

I feel kind of like I did at mile 16 of my first marathon. I feel pretty good, like I can do this--I can even visualize the finish line and me crossing it with a giant grin on my face and tears of joy. But, at the same time, there are still a lot of miles to go. So, to continue the metaphor, I keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I love him

2009-01-12T16:59:00.000-08:00

This just crossed my mind and I want to get it down so I won't forget.

The other night Mr. C and I were sitting watching television and out of the blue he looked over at me and asked, "Where is the baby going to sit?"

Perhaps it isn't possible to convey the spirit of this moment...he was so filled with sincerity and an honest sense of wonder. It was a truly precious moment that I want to remember always.

twenty-four weeks

2009-01-12T16:21:00.000-08:00

Here we are at another milestone. Getting passed twenty-three weeks did a lot for me mentally/emotionally, and life has felt a lot lighter this last week. It got very dark, though, for a few days and many tears were shed. There was one day where I pretty much didn't get off of the couch at all. But after last Monday I felt like I was stepping through a new doorway, out into a world that felt safer and more hopeful.

A bright spot was my visit to the Peri last week. Sure, I got the crappy Sonographer (she spent about a minute looking at my cervix with the abdominal probe before concluding that we needed to get a look from the inside; she didn't even look at the Little Guy, although I could see a foot or a hand moving around next to my cervix) but what I really cared about was that measurement. To my delight, and to the Peri's admitted suprise (in his words "better than I had anticipated") my cervix is still measuring 4.3 cm and shows no signs of funneling. With news like that I can make it another two weeks. I am also reassured by the fact that the Little Guy kicks, pokes, shutters and otherwise makes his presence known quite frequently. I do hope, though, that next time I will get the good Sonographer again, because I love getting a peek at him and am ready for some new pictures.

We should be back online at home in a week or so. Whatever the problem was, it was so severe that Mr. C decided that we needed to go with a different service, so we have to wait until they get it all installed. It has been a tough time to be without the internet connection.

Congratulations to Antigone, Becci, and Niobe! Two beautiful boys and one beautiful little girl. I cannot begin to express how uplifting it was to look at their blogs today and see these amazingly lovely babies!

twenty-two weeks

2008-12-29T13:56:00.000-08:00

I'm stealing some time away from work to write. The darn internet connection is down at home again and has been for a couple of weeks. I have no idea what is wrong with it or how long it will take until it is working again. Once again I get to practice being patient.

Our snow is finally gone. After more than two weeks of one snowstorm following another the temperature got above freezing on Saturday. I normally don't mind the snow, actually enjoy it, but not being able to leave the house by myself was crazy-making.

Today is the first day of week 22. We had another good visit with the Peri last week. My cervix is still holding strong and nice and long. The little guy looks great and is kicking lots and lots now. The P17 shots seem to make a difference with the contractions as well, but I still have a few here and there. All that being said, I have still had a rough last few days. It seems like a good doctor visit puts me on an emotional high for a day or so, then I crash down hard. I get myself convinced that something horrible is about to happen. It doesn't help that I have physical symptoms (cramping, lower back pain, contractions) that can be twisted into something dreadful. (I do know, though, what the real danger signs feel like...) The Peri offered to see me once a week during this time if I felt I needed it, but I said no. I know that I will be able to make it until my next appointment, which is in 10 days. It's nice to know, though, that they would fit me in if I called. And, of course, he has made it perfectly clear that if I ever feel like something was wrong that I should just head directly to the hospital.

It is so hard to not have even a modicum of control over my thoughts at times, too. Just like when the one year anniversary of William's birth/death was approaching, I have found memories presenting themselves without warning. This is the week that we went from everything being wonderful to everything falling apart. And it was exactly on the first day of the 23rd week that he was born. All told it was a five day ordeal and it is amazing how clear and precise my memories are. Things I haven't thought of...I guess things I thought that I had forgotten...are still as sharp as if they were happening now.

Mr. C has been wonderful. He is so peaceful now, so sure that this little guy will be in our arms, alive and healthy, in a few short months. At the same time, though, he comforts me and tells me that it is OK that I am freaking out. He has such a sweet way of reminding me of the facts, of bringing me into the reality of the present moment, while never invalidating my fears.

I made a paper chain for this pregnancy and I open a link for each week. Inside I wrote potentially comforting quotes. The quote for last week was "This, too, shall pass." Today the quote read "Life is not as serious as my mind makes it out to be." My response to that is that I believe that it is true, but it also pisses me off. My brother called me a while back and asked if I had been having much anxiety. He suggested using humor and silliness to help keep it at bay. Does anyone out there have any ideas or suggestions?

'tis the season

2008-12-15T10:53:00.000-08:00

We are covered in a blanket of snow. It started on Saturday evening and last night another several inches fell. It is still snowing now. So, in a way, Mother Nature has helped me to make the decision to slow down.

I had planned to go to work today, but with this additional snow it just won't happen. Even though I could get there without a problem (Mr. C has a big truck with 4 wheel drive) the residents can't go out of their houses in the snow until all of the walkways are shoveled and safe. Even then many of them aren't up for going out when it is this cold. At first we thought that I could go in and visit each of the houses. Then Mr. C decided that he doesn't like the idea that I might fall down or something. So he said, "On this very special episode, BasilBean gets a snow day."

Today will be my second day of cocooning inside by the fire. I've started two more paintings. The circles are still being worked on, but slowly, because my belly gets in the way. They require a lot of detail, which means that I need to bend over the painting to some extent whether I use an easel or hold the painting on my lap. This is uncomfortable, but more than that it makes me worry that I am putting pressure on my cervix. I'm using oil paint at this stage,too, so the paintings are messy if I try to handle them too much. So I've started a pair of bigger paintings that are more abstract and textural. Fun. I'm not sure what they will turn into yet, and that is part of the fun.

The anxiety subsided somewhat yesterday. I didn't sleep well during the night, but the coziness of the fire helped me to take a very long nap in the afternoon. When I was reading blogs yesterday I found a reference to a post on a blog I had never seen. It was this: http://growinginside.blogspot.com/2008/12/releasing-attachment.html (I'm sorry that I am not properly linking it. It's been so long since I've done so and I don't have the energy right now to find my cheat sheet. I can't use the shortcuts on my laptop because it is a Mac). What Gal wrote was beautiful and rang true to me. Then I read the two posts that bookend the story of her Tikva. I was so moved at how connected Gal was with Tikva, even before she knew about the challenges they would face. I cried like I haven't cried in a very long time. I cried for Gal and her family and sweet Tikva and all of the people she has touched. I cried for William, for myself and Mr. C, and for this Little Guy I am carrying now. I needed that cry.

Today marks 20 weeks. Half way in a full term pregnancy. It is difficult for me to look that far ahead. Instead, I am keeping in mind (whether I want to or not) my two upcoming milestones: getting through the 22nd week (after 5 days of struggling to turn things around, he was born/died on the first day of week 23) and getting to week 24--what I consider the cusp of viability. Really, though, as it has been said, most days it is enough just to get through the day.

I hope the roads are cleared soon, so I can at least feel like it is an option to get out of the house, because I know that the novelty of a snow day will evaporate before too long. But for now I am enjoying being cozy with Gracie, painting, reading, watching tv, and getting kicked by the Little Guy every now and then.

where did my confidence go?

2008-12-13T20:20:00.001-08:00

The sense of reassurance I felt after this week's visit to the Peri didn't last long. Now I have myself convinced that something horrible is just around the corner. Because...of course everything has been fine so far, it was fine at 20 weeks last time, too.

How will I get through the next few weeks? Will I "get through" the next few weeks?

I feel like I shouldn't be going around acting like things are OK. Today I went shopping with Mothership and after about an hour or so of walking around I started to have this nagging thought that I shouldn't be on my feet. I haven't altered my activity-level over the last several weeks, yet my cervical length has remained good and long. But does that mean that I should continue with this level of activity until something changes for the worse? Or should I start taking it easier, as a preventative measure?

I sound pathetic.

my first P17 shot

2008-12-12T00:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I picked up my prescription for the P17 shots. The pharmacist was so sweet, she said that it was a joy to prepare them for me, because she knew that they were helping a sweet little baby. She apologized that the needle was pretty large, but she felt it was necessary since the solution is oil-based.

I went back to work and asked our nurse to give me the shot. She had me ready for some pain--but it didn't really hurt. And it wasn't/isn't sore afterward, either. So, yay.

the best possible outcome

2008-12-10T18:33:00.001-08:00

Just after we entered the waiting room the door opened and it was an ultrasound tech calling back another patient. It was the tech that I got last time, the one I was hoping not to see again today. Check.

A little while later when the door opened for me, it was the ultrasound tech who I did want. She is the one who has done all of my other ultrasounds at this office. She is so kind, spends what seems like an endless amount of time going over everything, explains all that she is seeing and tells me everything is alright--doesn't leave any mysteries for my poor little mind to twist. Check.

Despite the fact that the Little Guy was BUSY (they eventually asked me what I ate for lunch today!) she was able to get every measurement she needed. Everything about the little Guy looks great. Fluid looks great. Placenta looks great. Cord looks great. Check.

And can we have a drum roll, please? My cervical length is....the same!!!!!!! They didn't even have to break out the wand--they were able to get good enough measurements abdominally--so I didn't have to go through the torture again. Check.

And to top it all off, the Peri redeemed himself in my eyes. Last time I had felt that he was insensitive. Today when we met in his office he told me that because of all of the results he doesn't feel like it is necessary to see me so often. However, he quickly added, since we are fast approaching the loss week as well as Christmas he feels that it would be best to continue with appointments every two weeks for the sake of my emotional well being. He said that he doesn't want to back off on the visits until I am through the highest risk time. Bonus check.

I am a happy lady. I can tell that the experience was a much needed reassurance for Mr. C as well, based on comparing his moods prior to and post appointment.

nineteen weeks

2008-12-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

I wrote a post about what happened just before Thanksgiving that threw my life into a bit of turmoil. It was a well written post, albeit long and very revealing. It is on my laptop and, for some reason that I don't understand, I can't connect to the internet from my laptop. So here I am sitting at an actual desk.

An attempt at a brief explanation of what happened:

*****The explanation has been deleted, as my anonymity has been thwarted where my family is concerned. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, as things could be taken very personally, so I am taking this particular part of this post out.

_________________

Later today I have an appointment with the Peri for a cervical length check and also to have the fetal survey done. I managed to make it until the wee hours of this morning before the anxiety set in. I woke up two hours before my alarm with my mind swimming. I fell back to sleep, only to wake up again about an hour later...from a bad dream in which, in the dream, I started to have a painful contraction. I woke up, lying on my back, and was, indeed, having a contraction. I have no idea if it was actually painful, or if that was just from the dream. I've been having irregular contractions (uterus bulges and hardens) for several weeks now. Usually there is no pain, only some discomfort if my bladder is full. The P17 shots should start in a couple of days, as the pharmacy is filling my order now. The whole thing was delayed because my OB wanted me to have a home health agency come and do the shots. But my insurance wouldn't cover it, so Mothership will be doing it for me. I will feel so much better once we get started with it.

I am focusing on having a good experience today. They will treat me well. The results will all be good.

a great report

2008-11-26T17:31:00.000-08:00

Little One, who is definitely a BOY, was all curled up in a ball, which made it impossible to get a good measurement of my cervix from the outside. So they had to resort to (as I've heard it referred to) the dildo cam. This is something that is extremely difficult for me because of my traumatic experience when my water broke with William but also because my dang uterus is still retroverted, which makes it pinch pretty bad. Difficult or not, it allowed for a good look and an accurate measurement: 4.5 cm!

Yaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!

I talked to the Peri about the contractions that I've been having and how I want to start the P17 shots. He is just a consultant, though, so I will need to wait to see my OB on Monday to get things arranged. I've decided that I am very glad that the Peri is only keeping an eye on my cervical length and not the one who is in charge of my care. He seems to think that the P17 shots and tocolytics really don't help prolong a pregnancy. He says that the research just doesn't back it up. He says that if I were to go into PTL that he would recommend tocolytics to hopefully buy a couple of days so we could get the steroids on board. I disagree with how he interprets the research. I know that the P17 shots don't help everyone, but I think there is strong evidence that they do help many women. And likewise, many women need tocolytics to not only stop all out PTL but to keep their uteruses "calm." Fortunately my OB is the one who manages my care, and I am well educated and have a Mother In Law who advocates for me as well. So if it came down to it we would have me on terbutiline--or whatever--if that is what it would take to keep things under control. OK, the rant is over.

almost over now

2008-11-26T02:15:00.000-08:00

It looks like we will be skipping the "real" Thanksgiving, so it will be only 2 X Turkey Dinner after all. Mr. C and I just want a peaceful day at home instead of a big family gathering. We've been invited to dinner at a second-cousin of his father's, so it would essentially be us, his parents, and about 20 to 30 people we have never met. We have been through a lot of stress for the past week, so a day of no obligations is something we will both be thankful for.

I will write a post explaining what has been happening, and keeping me from posting, soon. I just need a day or two, now that the drama seems to be passed, to process it all. It's a family thing, and when I alluded to it before I thought it might be going in one direction but damn if it didn't take turns I could never have imagined. I decided today that not only is it OK to write about it, but I think it is something that I need to do. I've managed to keep my blog away from the eyes of my family so far. And fuck it, if someone reads it then they can just deal with what I've written.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the Peri (actually it is today, since I am up late). Thank goodness, too, because I really need my Little One fix. I need to see him/her and have that confirmation that he/she is alive and well. Oh, and that cervical length check, too (which is the official reason for the visit). Please, please, please, a million times please, let it still be long. If there is any shortening then I will be putting myself on modified bed rest.

The streak is over

2008-11-22T00:02:00.000-08:00

Darn. I wasn't able to maintain the post-a-day pace. And I only missed it by a couple of minutes, too.

I won't write right now about what happened today to take me away from my happy comfort zone, and therefore made it impossible to write. I will say that I am fine and the Little One is great and so is Mr. C. At some point I will write about it, though.

Instead, I will write about the fact that today is my two year blog-birthday. I decided to start blogging on a whim. I had been following a few blogs that I had come across somehow and had no idea how blogging worked or that I would find a community of amazing women who would offer me so much support. I just figured it might be a good idea to have a place to write as I started the TTC journey again. It is hard to believe that that was two years ago!

So, how does a girl celebrate her blog-birthday? Any suggestions?

I really wish I could just post a picture

2008-11-20T23:57:00.000-08:00

I feel so lame for posting this. Not just because the quiz says I am boring old mashed potatoes, either. Sorry. If it weren't for my Nablopomo pledge I would be sparing everyone this pathetic post. I'm tired.

You Are Mashed Potatoes

Ordinary, comforting, and more than a little predictable

You're the glue that holds everyone together.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

Thanksgiving dinner...X 3!!!

2008-11-19T13:35:00.000-08:00

We have celebrations at our long-term care facilities pretty regularly. There was a Valentine's Day dance in February, a St. Patrick's Day dinner in March, a big Cinco de Mayo fiesta in May, a brunch in June, and a BBQ in August. And this Saturday at the four houses that are located all next to each other we will have a Thanksgiving dinner. On Sunday the fifth house, which is located a few miles away from the others, will have a dinner as well.

The residents and family members at each of the houses have already made it clear that they expect to see me at the dinners. So this means that this year I will be enjoying Thanksgiving dinner three times! That's just fine with me, because we have some amazing cooks at our houses. And I cannot begin to express how much I LOVE pumpkin pie.

back at it

2008-11-18T19:41:00.000-08:00

I've started painting again.

Just some little circles, a way to play with color, really, but it is a start.

I have so many paintings in my head. I have a list, too, of promised paintings to some of you out there. I haven't forgotten. I just literally have not picked up a brush (until a few weeks ago) since I made that promise. I will make good on it, though.

This blog looks so incomplete to me without pictures. Another promise: I will find the cable for my camera or buy a new one...soon. We took more belly pictures yesterday. And he said he thought it was a good idea to take a bare-belly picture. It was pretty funny, because, without thinking, I sucked in my stomach when he took the picture. We laughed when we looked at it, because it was so obvious. So we took another one where I relaxed.

Oh, and on an almost completely different topic:
You know how they say that horizontal stripes aren't a good idea if you are trying to look thinner? Well, this has never been an issue for me (unless I got crazy and decided to find some pants with horizontal stripes, as it is my rear end that needs minimizing) so I do have some striped shirts. Today I am wearing a top with small black and white stripes, kind of a sailor look, and I swear that it camouflages the belly. At least from the front view.

sixteen weeks

2008-11-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

I started a reply to Monica in the comments of my last post, but then it got so long that I decided that I better just post it here.

I didn't have a TAC (transabdominal cerclage), I had a vaginal (McDonald) cerclage. This is my first pregnancy after my IC loss, and all of the high-risk specialists that have reviewed my charts have agreed that I am a good candidate for this type of cerclage.

In my links list I have a link to a new IC forum (under IC Support) and there is a spot on there all about TACs, so that may be a good place to go for information/personal experiences with them. I have found this to be a pretty good forum. It is active and it represents a wide variety of IC experiences.

Physically I'm feeling pretty good. I tried to pay attention to all of the different twinges, aches, etc. before my cerclage was placed, so I could have a bit of a clue what might be "normal" for me and what might be due to the cerclage. I still find myself obsessing over anything that doesn't feel quite right, though. I find that I tend to have good days and bad days. Some days I feel more confident, like everything is going well. On the bad days I feel like everything is on the verge of falling apart. It can be set off by something physical--like a back ache that really is muscle soreness, cramps that turn out to be gastrointestinal, or a bit of extra discharge--or it can be set off by something psychological or emotional. Hopefully as the days go by I will have more good days than bad days. This was true as I got through the first trimester--then the surgery kind of threw me into a new kind of turmoil. I went from fearing miscarriage to fearing PTL.

I feel so fortunate to have the information that I've learned through the two and a half years prior to getting pregnant again. Without it I know that I wouldn't have been the advocate for myself and this baby that I have been able to be. A lot of what I have learned has been from women I *met* through the Stillbirth board on iVillage and through the world of deadbaby momma bloggers. My doctors know that I am well informed, too. I've come at them with so many questions that I don't think they get very often.

Here are some things that I might not be doing/wouldn't know about/might not be taking as seriously if I had only relied on the advice of my doctors:
*I might not have pushed to have the surgery earlier. Yes, my loss was "later" at 22 weeks, but it is still better to get the cerclage in as early as possible to allow for healing and to avoid possible complications due to contractions. I would advise anyone who had an earlier loss than I did to push for as early as 11 weeks.
*My doctors have been agreeable to my suggestions and have altered my care accordingly. If they hadn't, I wouldn't have hesitated to find a doctor that would listen to me and take me seriously.
*Even though my OB really downplayed the impact the cerclage placement would have on me (he said I'd be up and about in just a couple of days and that I would probably only feel some cramping) I knew to expect a wide range of possibilities of how my recovery might go. One woman on a message board who has had 4 (successful) cerclages told me that each time her experience was different and that with two of the surgeries she needed up to a week to feel like she could be up and about.
*I am avoiding some things that both of my doctors have said are "probably fine," like baths and sex; my OB said that I don't really need to alter my activity level, aside from not lifting anything heavy, while my Peri said he'd like me to take it easy and put my feet up as much as possible--I'm following what the Peri says.
*I have made it clear that I think it is important to monitor for infections. My OB has already taken cultures once and I do believe that it is because of my encouragement. The research may not (currently) be able to prove a causal link to infections and cervical changes, but my feeling is that it is easy to test for and easy to treat--so why not do it?
*We don't currently have plans to do the P17 shots, but both doctors have told me that if it is something that I decide that I want to do then we will do them. If anyone out there has strong feelings on this, I'd love to hear what you have to say.

That is just a start to a list of what I would hope every woman would know prior to a sub-pregnancy after an IC or PTL loss. If anyone has anything to add or alter about what I've written, I'd appreciate the feedback.

optimism

2008-11-16T23:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was out running errands and somehow found myself in a boutique baby furniture store. I was practically tip-toeing through the store. But the woman working there wouldn't let me be invisible. She watched me for a while, payed attention to what I lingered over. Then she led me to a crib in the corner with a matching dresser/hutch combo that she thought I might like. It is perfect. But while I was able to find the courage to look, it still feels way too early to buy anything.

Today Mr. C called me while I was over visiting his parents. Somehow we all got on the topic of names and started coming up with ideas. We thought of funny names, boring names, odd names, biblical names, traditional names...and we hit on a few names that we are now actually considering. It's not that I've been avoiding the subject, but I haven't been pursuing it, either.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I am so happy about this. I've missed the residents and the staff and I've missed being a part of something outside of myself. It will be good to have other people and activities to focus on. I'm starting out with an abbreviated schedule each day. After I see the Peri again we decide if it is a good idea to extend my day back to where it was before the surgery.

in need of distraction

2008-11-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

You Are a Yellow Crayon

Your world is colored with happy, warm, fun colors.

You have a thoughtful and wise way about you. Some people might even consider you a genius.

Charming and eloquent, you are able to get people to do things your way.

While you seem spontaneous and free wheeling, you are calculating to the extreme.

Your color wheel opposite is purple. You both are charismatic leaders, but purple people act like you have no depth.

What Color Crayon Are You?

foreign body

2008-11-14T23:31:00.001-08:00

A few mornings ago I noticed as I was getting into the shower that from the side my belly is sort of shaped like a triangle--with the point at my belly button.

And speaking of my belly button...when I went in for my surgery a nurse removed my navel piercing. It had been in for 15 years, so it left a well healed but decently sized hole. So now it looks like I have a little mini belly button above my actual belly button.

visit to the Peri

2008-11-13T23:09:00.000-08:00

I saw the Peri today and my cervix is measuring over 4 cm. Yahoo!!!!! The little one is doing great in there, too. And we are pretty sure that those are boy parts we're seeing. While it is still a little early to tell definitively, or as close as you can get with these things, she was pretty sure she not only saw the twig, but also the berries. We will have another look in a couple of weeks when I have my cervical length checked again. At that point we will be in the 17th week.

I'm feeling good, better each day. The Peri wants me to take it easy, preferably until after week 30. He said it is wonderful that I have that much length, and he wants to do whatever we can to keep it that way. So I will go back to work but on a modified schedule. I am so happy to be going back to work.

The scanner isn't set up, but I will ask Mr. C to help me do it because we are getting so many ultrasound pictures. Today we got one of (him) in 4D sucking (his) thumb. So cute. Oh, and a belly photo had finally been taken. A couple of nights ago my brother told me that we really need to take some pictures of my growing belly because if we don't do it then we will regret it. A few minutes later he came back into the room with his camera. He doesn't have a cable for his camera, either, but at least the picture has been taken.

they will be here soon

2008-11-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

About the situation with my sister...

I had decided that I just couldn't give it any energy. Tuesday night after the election results had been in for a while and our celebration here had settled down, my brother came into the room and handed me his phone. It was my sister. We talked for a long time about our feelings about the election and the world in general. It was a nice conversation and we didn't talk about her upcoming visit or any of that (even though she had sent me an e-mail earlier that day saying that her work assignment had changed and that the visit would be cut to just three days...I chose to not address it over the phone since Mr. C and I hadn't come to a decision). She did say that she would be thinking of me in the morning while I was in for my surgery and that she just knew everything was going to be OK.

The next day she sent me another e-mail saying that it would actually only be two days. I was in no shape to come to a decision at that point. Heck, at that point I wasn't really in shape to make a simple decision like what I wanted to eat.

A couple of days went by and I received another e-mail from her. This time she actually asked me how the surgery went, hoping I was feeling well and getting plenty of rest. She also asked if I would be on bedrest.

Another two days went by before I was up for calling her. By that time Mr. C and I had taken the time to discuss it. He feels like it is a bad idea to have guests since he knows I need my rest and that I will over-do it if they come. Even still, though, he agreed that they could stay. Based on the conversation she and I had on the phone that day I think it was more that she was oblivious to the reality of what I have been going through. When we talked she asked how I was doing and I told her that the pain was letting up quite a bit but was experiencing a lot of nausea. She was completely taken aback...pain? Why was I experiencing pain? She honestly seemed to have no idea what the surgery entailed. I know that I had explained it to her. But my sister is prone to denial, especially when it concerns someone she cares about. It's almost like the information just won't process. So I described to her, graphically, the details of the surgery. One part of it I had been unaware of myself until afterward when Mothership explained it to me (the part about how they pull the cervix down with forceps in order to get the stitch in high...yuck). The other thing that I explained to her, in no uncertain terms, is that the cerclage is not like a magic trick that makes everything perfect now and we are guaranteed a healthy, full-term baby. I could tell she didn't want to hear this, but I needed her to. It's not that she doesn't care, it is quite the opposite. I think it is that she cares so much that it just is too much for her to hear.

So they actually arrived yesterday, but stayed the night in a hotel. I had told her on the phone that I could handle them coming on Wednesday and staying two nights. She ended up having a meeting on Tuesday after all, so she made other arrangements for last night. I was proud of myself for holding strong about that. Especially because she had hoped to stay the night with a colleague last night but because of the dog that wasn't an option. I actually told her, in what to me felt like a nice and respectful way, that it wasn't reasonable to ask people to bring your dog along. She didn't say anything in response to that, but I am glad that I put it out there.

I love my sister and I miss the days when we had a close relationship. I am hoping that we can have one again, but I realize that it is important for me to set boundaries that are healthy for me and my family. I am praying that this visit goes well.

my new default mode

2008-11-11T22:17:00.000-08:00

For most of my life anxiety has been my default mode. I can't remember a time when I didn't have a "nervous stomach." My mother always said I was her contemplative child, others called me sensitive. Sure, there are some things that seem to be hard-wired into us. And I could explain in detail the reasons why I developed this way. But there came a time when I realized that I don't have to be burdened by my tendencies, that I can change the way I respond to life's stressors and, more importantly, how I respond to what I have come to understand are my "triggers."

How I did this was through a combination of things. First of all I got some pretty intense individual therapy and Mr. C and I saw a therapist together, which was also intense. This happened about a year and a half after losing William. I kept saying that I was going to find someone to talk to, but never got around to it until things were so bad that I couldn't eat or sleep. To the therapist's credit, she didn't push medication, but I requested it. The very small dose that I took was enough to bridge the gap for a while so I could function as a human being again. I have never been one to do something part-way (I guess that is why I love training for marathons so much) so while I was in individual therapy I also began a pretty rigorous practice of meditation.

I went off of the medication after six months and despite a not-so-fun withdrawal experience got through it without too big of an impact on my mood or level of anxiety. But then about a month or so later I found myself in the grip of high-anxiety again. It caught me off guard. I really thought I had fixed that problem. When I fought against it, tried to shut it off, it just seemed to get worse. So, since that wasn't working, I decided to take the opposite approach and look directly at it and really allow myself to experience it. I had started with a new layer to my meditative practice which had me much more deeply exploring my spirituality. I now believe that this is what brought up the intense negative reaction, so that I could work through it more effectively. In the months since then I have continued with my practice.

And then I got pregnant. It is so hard to meditate when your mind just seems to have a life of its own. Where did my sense of peace go? Where did my focus go? I realize that even in a "normal" pregnancy that concentration is a challenge. As the weeks have gone by my meditation practice has been stripped down to the bare minimum. And then, last night, I felt that familiar free-falling feeling again. I woke up this morning to the raw, bitter, heavy pit deep in my solar plexus. Oh. I know this feeling. My mind immediately started its old game--obsession over things that were said last night between me and Mr. C, how he shared his fears and some negative feelings. But then a little nudging came from a corner of my mind. I don't have to do this. There is another way. I reached for the book that sits beside my bed and read through some of the pages. I closed my eyes and brought my attention to my breathing. Eventually my body calmed down. I don't have to go down that old road again.

The surgery was harder on us emotionally than I had anticipated. I guess I was just so focused on getting through it, that I didn't give much thought to how the experience might affect us. For me it brought up a lot of fear because it signals the beginning of the part of this pregnancy where so many things can go wrong. For Mr. C simply being at the hospital, as well as seeing me vulnerable, brought back a lot of bad memories and yucky feelings. We've both been doing our best to be positive through this pregnancy. But the fact is that it is not the exciting time that we had before, up until the day it all went to shit. It feels like holding your breath and walking across a tightrope.

Today was the first day that I had almost no pain. I actually was up and doing things more than I was resting. I am still "taking it easy" though, until I get that ultrasound on Thursday. By the way, my sister and her husband (and the dog) are coming tomorrow and will stay two nights with us. I will write later about what has transpired since I last mentioned it.

follow-up

2008-11-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

I saw my doctor today for a follow-up on the surgery. Everything looks good.

But in the hours leading up to the appointment I had myself convinced that something horrible was happening/going to happen. The pain is getting better, but for the past two days I have been nauseated. I even grabbed a thermometer to see if I had a fever. I didn't. Still, I was fighting thoughts about an infection. I didn't tell my doctor of my fears, since I knew he was looking to see if everything was healing well. He took a culture, just to be on the safe side, and that made me feel so much better. The exam was such an ordeal for me. I was practically climbing off of the table. They must think I am such a wimp. Honestly, the way I acted, they must be wondering how I got pregnant in the first place! Of course they are so kind and understanding. The nurse kept telling me to relax. But it just wasn't an option.

I see this doctor every two weeks, but since the next appointment would fall on the week of Thanksgiving it will end up being three weeks until I see him again. That is fine with me, since I will see the Peri in between. At that point I will be 18 weeks, which sounds so far away right now.

Oh, and I tempted fate today. Not really, but it sure felt like it. When I was getting dressed I found myself with two pair of jeans that just didn't feel good. One pair is not maternity but still fit reasonably well last week. Now they are fine when I am standing, but when I sit down they cut right across the bump (which is just below my belly button). The other pair has a band that is about 4 inches thick and is made of heavy cotton and elastic. It hits me right across the bump as well, and is tight. This bothered me before, but now with that particular area being tender/slightly painful it is not at all tolerable. So I opened the bin that holds all of my old maternity clothes and pulled out the jeans. They fit and feel comfortable. They are also what I was wearing the day I was admitted to the hospital when I went into labor with William. I almost didn't wear them, but decided that I needed to just do it. I sure do hope the seamstress calls soon so I can go get the three new pair of pants I got that fit and feel good across my tummy. I will wear the old jeans at least a couple more times. If the memory keeps haunting me when I wear them then I think I will give them away.

a decision will have to be made eventually

2008-11-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

You Like Names that Are Retro and Fashionable

You like names that are from the past but becoming modern again.

Names with a strong history are very appealing to you.

You're a big believer in giving children very adult sounding names.

You're not a fan of nicknames or newfangled spellings.

Some female names you might like: Audrey, Emma, Fiona, Georgia, Isabelle, Naomi, Rosemary, and Veronica

Some male names you might like: Brendan, Colin, Ethan, Jared, Kenneth, Martin, and Nathaniel

What Kind of Names Do You Like?

I'm too tired for a real post. But I figured that if I looked around on blogthings a bit I'd find something to amuse myself. I don't know how I feel about all of these suggestions, but I do agree with the overall assessment of what I like in a name. And Georgia is among the girl names I like.

We haven't had the name discussion too much yet. I think we are both waiting to see if it is a girl or a boy before we take it too seriously. Mr. C does have a couple of favorite boy names that he loves to torture me with: Conan and Red. Ugh.

too much of a good thing

2008-11-08T19:18:00.000-08:00

I was delighted to take a nice hot shower this morning, but after three days of very little time on my feet I guess I over did it. Afterward I was pretty tired and had a nagging pain that didn't seem to be subsiding. So I took one of the pain pills, rather than the tylenol. They aren't anything strong, are mostly tylenol anyway, and yesterday I took a tylenol and it seemed that only after taking a pain pill (four hours later) did I feel any real relief. But today even the pain pill didn't seem to be doing the trick after about an hour so I took another one. The prescription is for 1 to 2 pills, so this is well within what should be reasonable.

It ended up being a very bad idea. It made me nauseated beyond belief. I even tried to make myself vomit to get some relief, but nothing doing. Eventually I was able to fall asleep and was knocked out for several hours. Now I feel like a human being again. A groggy, weak human being, but better than I did earlier today. A day has been shot, and a lesson has been learned.

paradox

2008-11-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a bit of a meltdown and came to the conclusion (more like it was brought to my attention and I finally acknowledged it) that I was in pain and that it was OK to take something for it. I took some tylenol and it really did help. While I am still moving slowly and am spending most of my time resting, I really am feeling a lot better today. I have hope that tomorrow will be even better. Still, even when I am back to feeling great, I have resolved to "take it easy" for the next...well, until I get out of the danger zone, a.k.a. the second trimester.

I marvel at the fact that I am now in the second trimester. I do realize that for most women this is something to celebrate, and I definitely am happy and thankful to continue to move forward every day, but making this transition came with trepidation. What is supposed to be the "best" part of pregnancy (according to one of my books) is the part of pregnancy that carries with it the most risk.

But I have made it this far. And I've done so by focusing on each day as it comes and not getting too far ahead of myself. Besides, while I look forward to Valentines' Day and the special significance that it will hold, there will be many great days between now and then to enjoy.

the details of my cerclage surgery

2008-11-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

We arrived at the hospital at about 7 a.m. and didn’t wait long before I was taken back for pre-surgery. I had a student nurse helping with my intake. She was really nice, but the vein in my right hand blew up, so the other nurse had to take over. She got a vein in my left arm to cooperate. The anesthesiologist came in to consult with me. My doctor had me thinking that we would most likely be using a general, which I did not like the idea of at all. But the anesthesiologist let me decide and he recommended the spinal, so that is what we went with.

In the freezing cold O.R. the anesthesiologist went right to work on my spinal, which was a piece of cake. I was shivering slightly through the placement of it, but that was due to nerves and how freaking cold it was in there. He kept swiping swabs of something cold on my limbs to test to see if I was numb, which I didn’t feel like I was at all. My feet and bottom felt tingly, though, so we knew that it was starting to work. After a few minutes the nurse started to prep me. I could only just barely feel what she was doing, so he assured me that the spinal was kicking in. He said that if I felt anything close to pain that he could give me something additional to help. When my doctor started with the sewing I could feel it. It wasn’t the type of pain that even makes you say “ouch” really loud, but it just felt wrong. It felt like someone pushing something sharp against the outside of my belly. So I let them know and he put some kind of narcotic in my IV and slipped a mask on my face for a few minutes. By the time he did that the doctor was pretty much done. The actual surgery took less time than the placement of the spinal did.

In the post-surgery I started out feeling great. They got me set up to monitor all of my vitals and put some warm blankets on me. But after the nurse went away I started to have a cold sweat, strong nausea feeling. I wasn’t afraid that I would throw up, I could hear my heart rate, which was normal, and my blood pressure was normal as well, so I didn’t panic. I started to feel a bit better by the time the nurse came back. She noticed right away that I wasn’t feeling well, though. So she got me some anti-nausea medication. She also gave me a shot of terbutaline per doctor’s orders as a precaution. My vitals had remained stable, so after a little while they took me to recovery.

Mr. C and Mothership got to visit me in recovery, but since I knew I was going to be there for a couple of hours the nurse and I kind of kicked Mr. C out after Mothership left to go to work. I had a prescription for pain meds that needed to be filled, so really we sent him on an errand. I mostly just tried to rest. They brought me soup and crackers and lots of water, checked on me every now and then, and listened to the baby’s heartbeat. All in all I heard it four times yesterday and every time it was 156. The last nurse to take it said, “That means it’s a boy, right?” And Mr. C and I responded, “We’ll see.” At some point my doctor came by to check on me and remove the dressings they had packed me with. When I saw them I thought that it looked like a lot of blood. But the nurse and the doctor both seemed impressed by the lack of blood on them. This made me feel better.

Eventually they released me to go home. I bled a little for the rest of the day. But it was not too much and by the late evening there was almost no blood at all. I did start to have some cramping/pain, so I took one of the pain pills. I was going to try to go without them, but I worried that the pain might get worse. It wasn’t a strong medication, because it didn’t completely knock out the pain. I felt fine, though.

Mr. C wouldn’t let me climb the stairs last night, so I slept on the sofa. One way or another, my accommodations will change for tonight, because it wasn’t comfortable. The fact that my lower back is tender from the spinal has a lot to do with my lack of comfort, I’m sure. So far today I haven’t had any bleeding or cramping. I am very tender, though, and move VERY slowly when I make my occasional trips to the bathroom. It feels so strange to rely on others for pretty much everything. But I’m under strict orders (from Mr.C) to not do anything for at least a couple of days.

cerclage is in

2008-11-05T14:06:00.000-08:00

I'm home. I will write a more detailed description of my experience later. For now I'll say that things went well. It does suck, though, that after all of these weeks of being paranoid about spotting, I am bleeding. It is to be expected and isn't a lot, but it still sucks.

So now I rest.

support

2008-11-04T19:19:00.000-08:00

Thank you, ladies, for all of your supportive comments. I go in early tomorrow morning for the cerclage. I'm sure I will have questions afterward, so expect to hear from me:)

Right now we are glued to the television. Mr. C has been all day! I mean that literally, too. He actually stayed home from the office.

I got to see the little one today. I went in for a cervical check and she looked at the baby a lot, too. She even took a look to see if there is a little penis. Since it is still really early, it is by no means for sure, but there is a little something showing up between the legs. Could be girl parts, too, but she did write "boy...?" on that screen. It is among the pictures she printed for me. If this does end up being a girl I can use that picture against her some day. Not that I would ever do that!

fourteen weeks

2008-11-03T19:00:00.000-08:00

I spent a couple of hours today at the doctor's office and the hospital doing all of the pre-op stuff. While in the midst of it all I do very well. But it occurred to me while I was sitting in one of the waiting rooms that my obsession for the past two days that I am leaking amniotic fluid is due to anxiety. Duh.

We had hoped to do an emergency cerclage last time, but my water broke as they were prepping me for the surgery. That was then. My membranes had prolapsed three days prior and, well, it didn't come as too much of a shock (to the doctors) that things turned out the way they did. This is now. We are doing this surgery as a preventative measure, well before things went wrong last time. That is the logical analysis--but logic has nothing to do with the subconscious fears and the memories that, even if on the surface I have come to manage, are still very much a part of me.

-------------------

I haven't done anything about the situation with my sister. I just can't put any energy toward it right now. Tomorrow I plan to get home from work as soon as possible to watch the election returns and that will most likely occupy me for the rest of the evening (we're having the parents over for dinner and we will all either celebrate or commiserate together). Obviously Wednesday is going to be busy with the surgery and all. So it will be Thursday before I can call her. Maybe after a week she will have gotten some perspective. Maybe not. All I can do is hope for the best.

bad timing

2008-11-02T12:09:00.000-08:00

My sister and I were dressed alike a lot when we were small. She is a little over two years older than I am, but we were pretty close in size so many people mistook us for twins. As we got older it seemed to me that our appearances became more and more distinct, yet through the years this has continued to happen on occasion.

We grew closer as we got older. Even though we lived several hours away from each other we found time for frequent visits. There was a time when we spent a considerable amount of time together. I called her my sister-best friend. But things changed shortly after she returned from New Zealand, where she did her graduate research, when along came the man she fell in love with there. It didn't take long before they were engaged, and the wedding was only a few months after that.

They will celebrate their third anniversary next month. I danced at her wedding with William in my belly, about the same size as this baby is now. I didn't see her again until after he was born. She tried so hard to be there for me. I believe that she wanted to say all of the right things. But she said all of the wrong things. I didn't hold it against her, or even let on that I felt that way. I knew that she was hurting for me and that what she said was really to make herself feel better. This happened with a few other people in my life as well, and I found that it made me fill up with compassion for them rather than anger or frustration.

I haven't seen my sister in a long time, not since she came shortly after William's funeral. I reached out to her last summer, before I moved, when it seemed as if my world was falling apart. We spoke on the phone several times and it really did help to have someone to talk to. But we never found the time to get together.

When we moved to the other side of the state last year she said she might need to come to the office her company has over here for a meeting at some point. Finally, after talking about it for months, she e-mailed several weeks ago to say that she would be coming in November for a couple of days. Her husband isn't working, so he will come along, too. And she asked if it would be OK to bring their boxer, who they take with them everywhere. I said sure, since it was only for a couple of days, and I was so happy to plan a visit with her after all this time.

Then came another e-mail, saying that the stay had been extended for a whole week, and asking if they should get a hotel. Yes, I replied, a hotel would be a good idea, easier for everybody. Then came her response, that she had spoken too soon and that she didn't think her company would provide a hotel, wondering if they could stay after all. So I said yes. A little voice in my head that I pushed aside whispered that this might not be a good idea. I didn't mention it to Mr. C, who was reluctant for the two day visit since it included the dog. My brother has been living with us for the past two months, so now the house would be very full and Mr. C has already been feeling the strain of not having his house to himself.

And it didn't occur to me that the timing was particularly bad considering that their visit was scheduled for the week after my surgery. I continued to neglect telling Mr. C about the extended visit. Partly this was due to avoidance, but I am also blaming it on pregnancy brain. On Wednesday my brother mentioned it to him, though, so that took care of that. He spoke with me about it on Wednesday evening and as we talked it became very clear to me that having three extra adults and a 60 pound high-maintenance dog here for a week when I am recovering from cerclage surgery was not a good idea. Mr. C is certain that I would try to do too much, and after reflecting on it I have to say that I believe he is right.

I know my sister very well. She takes everything personally and I knew that she would most likely not get the main point--that we were making this decision because it is what is best for me and the baby. I tried my best to explain it to her, but I could tell that she was upset. Apparently because this particular meeting is for a government project, they really won't pay for a hotel. They do offer company housing, but that means that the husband and the dog cannot come along. She said she has a colleague that they can stay with. She said that she will give me a call when she gets into town. She just didn't hear me. I told her over and over that this really disappointed me, that I wished the timing was different, that I am so excited to see her. But I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was just not getting it. She didn't even ask me about the surgery (other than to ask if it was including a hospital stay), or how I was feeling about it.

Yesterday my brother talked with my mom on the phone and, sure enough, she asked about what was going on. She has only heard my sister's version, and it doesn't paint me in a very good light. I was right, she is really upset. She even told my mom that she doesn't even know if she will see us when she is here! We have always had a good relationship. How do I respond to this?

secrets

2008-11-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

I am good at keeping secrets. It seems like people can just sense this about me, because I have carried many secrets throughout my life. Most recently I was the bearer of a secret concerning a woman I work with. She is younger than I am, but has five children at home. She has a sixth child, too, a daughter who died of anencephaly. A few weeks ago she started to wonder if her lack of a period wasn't just caused by the birth control shot she was using, which the doctor had told her could cause her period to be scant. So she took a HPT and, low and behold, baby number seven is on its way.

All of her other children were planned, including the 15 month old who came after the one who died. That pregnancy was really hard for her. Her husband hadn't wanted to go down that road again. He was too scared to lose another and felt that their family was complete. She needed to have another baby. The pregnancy was not easy, though, and she ended up on IV meds through most of it due to extreme "morning" sickness. Through all of it she continued to work! She had a pick line in her arm and would administer the IV before and after work. He was supposed to be their last baby. But she didn't get her tubes tied like they had planned and, well, obviously the shot wasn't very effective.

She has been very scared. Since this pregnancy came as a surprise she wasn't taking the high dose of folic acid that is so vital during the early weeks when the neural tube is forming. But her 6 week ultrasound showed a beating heart. And while she is still realistic that things aren't guaranteed to go well, she shared her news with everyone else at work a week later. So now I don't have to carry her secret around any more. I am moved by her courage and optimism. I encourage it, too. I tell her that she brought five healthy babies into the world and what happened with her little girl won't necessarily happen again. I believe what I am saying to her. She is due six weeks after me. I pray so hard that our little babies will play together some day.

There was a time during my grieving process when it was difficult to be around mothers with their children, and especially to be around pregnant women. At first it was just too painful a reminder of what I had lost, and fear that I may never have. But after a while it turned to something more along the lines of anger. I found myself thinking that these women had no clue what a blessing it was that they had these children, that everything worked out for them. At some point, though, it settled in for me that there is no way for me to know what was in the hearts of these women. Just as there was no way for them to know, just by looking at me, of the loss that I have experienced.

putting it in writing

2008-10-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is because of all of the Halloween candy I have been eating (so bad...I'm so bad) but, yes, although I have posted an average of less than two times a month over the last 9 months and a whopping 9 times in January, I am actually planning to participate in NaBloPoMo.

Now I have even more incentive to find the cable and charger for my digital camera.

thirteen weeks

2008-10-28T20:58:00.000-07:00

I can't really put a finger on why I've been finding it difficult to write. Sure, Mr. C was out of town for a week and he took the notebook with him (which would have meant sitting up in a proper chair at a desk, yuck), but he has been home now for several days and I am only just now giving it a try.

Things are still moving along in a way that should be reassuring. Yesterday we had another visit with the OB and the nurse, who pronounces my name right and everything (which I can't tell you how much I love), made a comment about my growing baby belly. Doc found the heartbeat without too much effort and I didn't have a panic attack when it didn't happen right away and he had to apply a bunch more goo for his second attempt. Mothership went with me for this visit in case she had any questions concerning the surgery. She was beaming all day afterward because she got to hear little one's galloping heartbeat.

I go in for the cerclage a week from tomorrow. I know I keep going on about it, but I really do heart my OB. Yesterday, after asking him a page full of questions I started improvising even more questions. At that point some of them kind of don't really have an answer, but he still worked through them with me. When I asked him a what-if sort of question that basically was "what if I am freaking out?" but worded in a way that veiled it to make me sound more reasonable, his answer was that I could call them and come in any time. I needed to hear that. So far, I have been managing to talk myself down whenever I freak out. But it is nice to know that I can go in there if I need to. Fortunately I have appointments with him every two weeks and visits to the Peri in between, so I should be covered.

I met with the Peri a couple of weeks ago. They did the nuchal translucency scan that day and it showed little one meeting all of the standards. I went to the lab and did the blood test that day as well. No results have been reported to me, so I am taking that as a positive sign. We got to see little one in 4D, all curled up and looking cozy. Next week I will have another ultrasound done before the surgery. They will be measuring my cervix, but I sure do hope that we will get another peek at little one. Who, by the way, I've started to feel fluttering around in there. At first it was so subtle that I thought it must be my imagination or, well, gas. But after several days of feeling it I am certain that it is, indeed, the baby.

Over the weekend I took what felt like a giant leap and went shopping for maternity pants. If I had gone alone I probably would have chickened out and just bought some low-rise pants in a size bigger than I normally wear. But I had told our office coordinator that I needed to go shopping for pants and Mothership was in her office and overheard me. I didn't realize she was there, otherwise I wouldn't have said anything. She loves to spoil me and will take any opportunity to go shopping, which makes me feel a bit guilty. Without any prior discussion when we got to the mall she led me right into the maternity shop. To my delight I found out that there has been a great advance in maternity wear in the three years since I was pregnant with William. Yes, the clothes were pretty much the same then in terms of style and quality. But the belly panels have really advanced. Among the pants with thick, heavy weight belly panels they now have many with this thin, light weight stretchy fabric that feels so good to me. For some reason this time I cannot tolerate anything even slightly tight around my belly. I have officially crossed the threshold and am now wearing maternity clothes. The earth didn't open up and swallow me, like it felt like it would.

I'm taking tiny steps, tip-toeing though this pregnancy. I try to visualize the baby. I want so badly to feel some sort of connection, but so far I don't think that I do. Mr. C is great. He talks to the baby and puts his hand on my belly. He says things like, "Honey, come here, and bring the baby with you." I can't shake the feeling, though, that it is all just pretend. Whenever my due date is brought up it reminds me that we had one of those before, but it came four months after the baby arrived. For now I just can't think that far ahead. One week. I can handle thinking ahead to one week.

about the littlest bean

2008-10-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

Note: this post, and probably most of the posts for the next long while (God willing), is primarily about this pregnancy. I am pretty sure that this subject is tolerable by most of the readers of my blog. If not, then I just want to be clear about it so you know what to expect. I realize that some dead-baby momma bloggers have found sensitive ways to blog about a sub-pregnancy, but I just can't think of a way to write honestly if I am censoring myself. The original intention for the blog from the start was for it to be a place where I could record my experience of a sub-pregnancy. It has just taken me far longer to get here than I had anticipated. During these (almost) two years of writing I have come to realize that this blog is so much more than just a place to record my thoughts and feelings. I guess what I am trying to say is that I acknowledge that for some of you out there it is painful to read this particular type of good news.
...............................

I saw my OB today for one of those quickie visits and was treated to the beautiful sound of the little one's thumping heart. I had myself prepared for the very reasonable possibility that we might not be able to find it. As he moved the doppler around I breathed calmly and allowed myself to hope. Hearing it was so darn fantastic. You couldn't wipe that smile off of my face. I asked him if he could get a BPM for me and he said it was in the 160 range. It seems like everyone is certain that this is a girl (everyone but me...I have no clue) so if the heart rate stays high we will see if that old wives' tale is correct.

As I mentioned before, my belly is growing rather impressively (the rest of me is staying small and the weight gain is minimal, which wasn't the case with my last pregnancy, Mothership says this is all the more evidence that this is a girl). A couple of days ago Mr. C commented that I should probably just break down and go out and get some maternity pants. My response, which came out of my mouth without thinking about how it might upset him, was that I was waiting for my doctor appointments to make sure that the baby is still alive. Today when I called him to tell him about the heartbeat he was so relieved. He said that he has been worried since I said that. I realize that while it is important that I am honest with him about how I am feeling, he doesn't need to hear everything that goes through my often anxiety-riddled mind. To be sure, he does not. I pretty much span the range of hopes and fears throughout the day. My mind can be a scary place.

The doc brought up the cerclage surgery and when I told him I'd rather do it sooner than later he agreed to do it the first week of November. He had been indicating since our first conversation that he'd like to do it at 16 weeks, so I didn't expect it to be so easy to talk him into doing it earlier. I have a pre-op visit with him in two weeks. I am anxious about the surgery but am so glad that it doesn't require general anesthesia. The spinal is scary, but I find it to be a much less frightening option.

To change the subject to a non-pregnancy topic I have to say that I am counting down to the first week of November with much anticipation: 22 days until the election. Oh it is such a focus of our attention around here! We DVR several news shows a day, as well as The Daily Show and the Colbert Report (just to keep things in balance, you know). I am so captivated by it all. I'd like to say that I am shocked by some of the twists and turns that have developed, but things have gotten so bizarre that it is hard to even be shocked anymore. I have talked to many people who found the debates to be boring and, so far, my unscientific data collection proves out the stat that I heard that the majority of the viewers tune-out after about a half an hour. I, however, have watched all three debates practically on the edge of my seat. I am just so riveted by the possibility of what might be said or how it might be said or if a particular candidate might actually make eye-contact with his opponent. My years as a high school humanities teacher trained me well to hold a discussion about such a sticky topic without pissing anyone off or being too overt about my personal views. Fortunately my in-laws, while of a very different religious background, share my political perspective. And Mr. C and I are on the same page, too. I know several couples for whom this is not the case, so I am grateful. Perhaps if we all weren't of a like mind we would avoid the subject altogether, though. As it is, we have the tendency to get ourselves a little too worked-up sometimes. Which is why I am counting down the days. Oh, and we have a tight race for the Governor in Washington State as well. Last time it came down to a highly charged re-count, and the same two candidates are squaring off again. I am always glad when the election is over, because I feel like I can relax again.

finally connected

2008-10-05T00:53:00.000-07:00

We moved into our house at the end of January and all this time I have been without an internet connection.

But tonight when I got home I was delighted to see that the new router Mr. C bought today did the trick and the wireless connection is working!

I'm going to have to pace myself, because I am so excited to finally get caught up on blogs.

Yay!

I am an optimist and am not superstitious, but still it is difficult for me to write that things with the pregnancy are going well. They are, but that doesn't mean that I am not pretty much a nut-case most of the time. While the spotting hasn't returned and my belly is growing at a much faster rate than anyone can believe, I have cramping and lower back pain a lot and sometimes it sends me into a panic. There is a cause for it and it happened the last time I was pregnant, too, so my rational mind knows that it is "normal" (I have a retroverted or backwards-facing uterus, and as it straightens out it causes a lot of discomfort). I have appointments with both my OB and the Peri next week, so that will help. When I see the OB we will hopefully be able to hear the heartbeat with the doppler (if my effed-up uterus doesn't pose a problem). And when I see the Peri we will do an ultrasound, so that will be good--whatever it shows, for better or for worse, at least the results are reliable. If all looks good we will be scheduling the cerclage surgery then, too. If possible I am going to schedule my OB and Peri appointments so they are staggered, rather than occurring in the same week. The more frequent I can be seen by someone the better.

We were keeping the pregnancy a secret and planned to do so for as much of the first trimester as possible. But Pops (my father in law) blabbed the news three weeks ago to one of our employees. By the next day the word had spread like wildfire. At first I was filled with this fear that it would jinx things--now the pregnancy is doomed for sure. I get that feeling almost every time I write in the cute pregnancy journal that I bought in a moment of bravery several weeks ago. And today I went to buy the new book that my book group is going to read next and I found myself walking over to the pregnancy section, actually picking up one of those big books that walks you through your pregnancy (complete with a week-by-week section), and taking it to the register with me. As I walked out to the parking lot I was thinking that I had just done something stupid.

I'm almost to 10 weeks. It is still so early. Each day feels like a victory, though. The idea of 40 weeks is just too daunting. So instead my focus right now is to get to 15 weeks and the surgery. After that my focus will shift to 24 weeks and viability. I know that is still a long-shot, but it is something to grasp for. After that is 28 weeks, a much more realistic chance for survival. And if I can make it that far then I know I can start to breathe a little easier. Everyone around me is so darn positive about this pregnancy. It is touching, and I hope that I can join them in feeling that way at some point as well.

baby steps

2008-09-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

I'll share the good news first: I got to see the little one today and I am measuring right at date (6 weeks 2 days) and even got to see the flickering heartbeat. And the ultrasound technician was WONDERFUL.

My first appointment isn't scheduled until this coming Monday, but they ordered an ultrasound today because over the past 10 days I have had three incidents of spotting. Until this morning it happened on the weekends, so each time I talked to an on-call doctor. Both times they told me pretty much the same thing--that since it was a scant amount and brown blood, it was probably implantation bleeding. And that is what my Doctor told me today as well after he saw the results of the ultrasound.

I hate being scared. I hate not really believing that this will all work out.

What I am so grateful for is that I have my own covert team of medical professionals on my side who order labs for me and have the ability to get me in even on the weekend when everything is closed to get an HCG level, stat. Seeing that high number last Saturday and the number continuing to go up on Monday helped me to breathe a little easier. So much so that when I saw the spotting this morning I didn't break into a cold sweat (like I did the first time, last Sunday) or cry and cry, certain it was all over (like I did the second time, this Saturday). Instead I kept my wits about me and calmly called my Doctor's office. And I am full of gratitude that I have found a practice where I am treated so well and with such expedience.

Thank you to everyone for your kind and thoughtful comments. Your words of encouragement have been part of what has helped me to move forward each day.

words left unsaid, and words I cannot keep to myself

2008-08-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

I know that I have already mentioned that we don't have an internet connection at home yet. Because of that I have been out of touch not only with my own blogging but with keeping up with the blogs I'd like to read.

During this time many posts have been written in my mind. Some of them are things I can still write about, and maybe I will at some point. But others needed to be put out into the world at the time, and now their time has passed.

This post is one that I haven't ever really allowed myself even to imagine. How might I write the post that I had in mind when I created this blog in the first place--but because life has gone in directions I never expected at that time has been delayed for a year and a half.

I guess this is how--by writing choppy sentences and dancing around the perimeter instead of jumping right in. Goodness knows that any attempt at being eloquent is just not going to work out right now.

Yesterday, on 11 dpo in my first cycle using Clomid (Dr. suspects a Luteal Phase Defect caused my trouble conceiving this time) a digital test taken after work confirmed what a "line" test was hinting at in the morning: I'm pregnant.

And trying not to be completely freaked out.

My absence over the last several months, and lack of support to the ladies out there who have been going through pregnancies after a loss, makes this announcement feel odd to me.

our youtube debut

2008-06-17T00:38:00.000-07:00

Mr C and I were about ten miles out of town when we turned around and headed back to get the charger for the camera. It wasn't until we were in San Diego that we realized that the darn battery wasn't in it. I bought a disposable camera on the ship, but only snapped a few pictures. We did, however, have a flip with us. Only about 2 minutes of space was available, so we came up with a plan for how we could shoot a movie that would encapsulate the cruise in 30 seconds or less.

There is one part that I begged him (pleaded with him) to take out. But he thinks I am crazy, it remains in. I don't think I am crazy, and it may sound silly but it feels like a really big accomplishment that I didn't freak out and refuse to let him do it.

This is my first time attaching a video, so I hope it works.

By the way, he really did hit a hole-in-one! We planned the whole gag (complete with my over-the-top vaudevillian response) and were surprised that the ball was actually in the hole.

a non-post about not posting

2008-06-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

I realize that I am writing what is perhaps the lamest thing possible for a blogger to write about: the fact that I'm not writing.

(But I'm doing it anyway.)

I'm still alive, but I am also still without an internet connection at home. There is a light off in the distance, though, a promise that I will once again be connected to the outside world.

tagged

2008-04-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

Christyna tagged me for a meme today and I am compelled to do it since it is (I believe) an "end of April" meme. I have so many posts unposted, including a meme Brenda tagged me for a while back...but, alas, I am doing what I can right now when it comes to the blog.

Here is my list of 10 things that have been keeping me busy:

1. I start (pretty much) every day in meditation. I'm not a morning person, so any extra time is precious. But since I started doing it last July, it has made such a profound impact on my life that I manage to get up and do it. I don't mean to sound like some sort of zealot or anything...so I'll leave it at that.

2. Running after the animals, mostly Gracie, keeps me busy. She is happiest when she gets a lot of activity--so I'm either busy taking her places and playing with her, etc. or I am busy dealing with her hyperactivity and downright goofiness if she was left alone for too much of the day. The kitties follow me around whenever Gracie is out in the backyard or when she is sleeping--they know the coast is clear so they take advantage of some cuddle time.

3. Trying to get knocked up without going crazy about it.

4. Morning exercise and afternoon activities with our residents, and a myriad of ever-changing diversions throughout the day. You never know what might come up when there are 30 residents, over 30 employees, volunteers and community contacts, and 5 houses to keep running (inside and out).

5. Mr. C got me XM Radio for Christmas and I love it. I want to get it in my house now too, because I find that at least once a day I sit in my car to continue listening to something that has compelled me.

6. Trying to fix healthy food for me and Mr. C each day. We decided when we were on our cruise that we want to eat lunch together as often as possible. This can be a challenge because our tastes are so far apart. I would be happy eating brown rice and veggies while he would be in heaven if pizza, cheese burgers and fries were actually healthy and he could eat them every day.

7. The house still isn't "moved in." I have three rooms that I still haven't finished painting and NONE of the rooms are fully furnished (not to mention accessories, art, etc.). The garage is filled with boxes. We still have a storage unit that is mostly filled. Mr. C is busy (understatement) with this film project so he hasn't had the time or energy to help with these things. So I plod away slowly and some days, like today and yesterday, I only manage to keep the house reasonably clean and tidy. It's OK, because I've got nothing but time. We were thinking we'd have a house-warming party at some point. Is there a time limit for such things?

8. Almost every evening we watch a movie. Without cable it is our only option, but it does require that we give attention to what we are watching rather than just turning on the TV and flipping through the channels.

9. I've been reading spiritual books lately. Good stuff.

10. Daydreaming about summer, which will be here before too long. I love spring, so I'm not wishing it away. I will, however, relish time outside, long days, grilling like crazy, riding our bikes...

Will this surge ever end?

2008-04-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

I've been using OPKs and so far I have had pretty regular cycles with a positive OPK on day 17 and all of the physical signs of ovulation following.

This month I was on the cruise on day 17 and, sure enough, got the positive. I didn't notice the normal signs to follow, though. But that didn't set off any alarms or anything, since my schedule and eating patterns were all out of whack due to being on vacation.

I had a couple unused OPKs, though, and four days after the positive I--just for the heck of it--tested again. It was positive. The next day I tested again and, yep, it was positive. When I got home I went out and bought another box of OPKs. I've tested now for 5 days in a row and, you guessed it, still positive (I've even done both FMU and evening tests). So now I am 9 days out from the first positive.

What the...?

Of course I have done some research and did read that your body can have a surge and then not ovulate, only to later surge again. This wouldn't be surprising since travel, stress, being sick, drinking a lot of alcohol, etc. can impede the egg from releasing. But what is up with a surge lasting (at least) 5 days? I know I don't have PCOS. I also read that an OPK will go positive if you are pregnant, but only after implantation.

I ran out of OPKs today and will not buy any more. It is expensive (albeit strangely satisfying) to pee on sticks.

back on land

2008-04-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

...but I feel like I am still on a boat, even though we got off the ship on Sunday morning. We had a long travel day yesterday that started at 4:30 a.m. and included two flights and a 4 hour drive. Today I am tired.

The trip was quite an experience. We had fun and enjoyed being away for a while. Being on a cruise really was a step into a different reality. I enjoyed sitting in the sun and reading, eating good food, and dancing almost every night. Mr. C and I made a little video of some highlights of the cruise which I hope to post in the next few days or so. He wants to fiddle around with it, so I'm really not sure when it will be done.

I got a little taste of summer, which felt wonderful. Apparently the weather here was pretty sunny and warm as well while we were away. Before we left it was still feeling like the verge of spring. The tree in our backyard, along with trees all over the area, was covered in blossoms. Now, the trees are full of yellow-green leaves. It is like the color dial on the landscape was turned up several notches--spring has definitely sprung.

away for a while

2008-04-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

I realize that I have been away from the blog already--haven't posted in a very long time, which has been hard because I miss blogging and I miss catching up on all of you out there who I care so much about--but I am going away for an actual vacation.

Mr. C and I are taking a cruise and we are looking forward to some serious down-time. We started vacation planning with something tropical in mind and when the idea of a cruise came up I think we both were attracted to the idea of being out to sea.

Life is good and I am starting to get back into a groove again. I had really gotten in the swing of things before our move into the new house, then everything was thrown about into a swirl of activity and newness. Time away will be, perhaps needless to say, wonderful.

I have made a lot of progress on the house--all but one of the rooms that I intend to paint are either finished or almost finished and the unfinished room has paint on the wall (just doing one accent wall in there) but we decided to change the color.

I do plan to get back to posting regularly again. And I promise that if/when there is any news to share of any substance I will, most definitely, share it.

sorry if I left anyone hanging

2008-03-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

My days are so full now that I haven't been able to squeeze in even a moment during the last week to even peek in at blogs. We may be getting closer to being online at home, but sometimes it is one step forward and two steps back. Mr. C told me that he was getting things connected last week, then said he wasn't happy with the service so he is continuing his search for the perfect plan. If I had any time on my hands I would just do it myself, but I don't.

The mysterious spotting turned out to be just that. AF came right at 14 days. Since I was pretty sure we had missed the "right time" anyway it didn't disappoint me too much. Another month, another cycle. Anyone who was sending positive thoughts can (pretty please) continue to do so.

And now it is back to work!

OK, so maybe "soon" is a relative term

2008-02-25T16:29:00.000-08:00

I still haven't gotten it together enough to manage to get the darn pictures onto my laptop. Add that to the fact that I have only found the time to get on the computer at all about a handful of times since I posted last. Each of those times I opted to read blogs instead of posting, partially due to the fact that I felt so lame for promising pictures and then not being capable of following through.

Ah, such is life.

I've been painting and getting rooms (slowly/partially) furnished. It seems that by the time I get around to posting pictures they may be before-and-after shots. Mr. C is out of town until tomorrow night (he went for a long-weekend to Vegas with a friend) so I have been spending every spare moment painting. It isn't that I cannot do it when he is here, but he does reel me in and keep me from going overboard. I reeled myself in last night, though, since I no longer have a schedule that is wide open. Our activity director quit last Thursday and we decided that I will run our activities instead of hiring a replacement. This means that I run our exercise program every morning and our afternoon activity. I love it. At exercise we sit in a big circle and do deep breathing, stretching and arm and leg exercises. We start the whole thing off by kicking a big yoga ball around the circle. The afternoon activities are different each day. Today we had an ice cream social, Friday we had a tea party (complete with fun hats to wear, it was a blast), Thursday we played bingo, tomorrow we are doing community service and Wednesday is spa day.

I need to share something. I've decided not to talk about it with anyone IRL but I feel like it is OK to write about it here. On Saturday, which was 5 dpo, I had a tiny bit of red spotting. I thought at first that I was having an extremely short LP, but I would be lying if I said that it hasn't crossed my mind that it could have been implantation bleeding. There. I just needed to get that out.

The meme where you post about six things about yourself has actually made it's way to me. Brenda tagged me and, like Brenda, this is the first time I have been tagged for a meme. I've already had a mental draft of something like this for quite some time, so it gives me an excuse to actually write the post. For now, though, I am off to read blogs.

pictures coming soon

2008-02-11T17:01:00.001-08:00

We don't have an internet connection set up at home yet, and I don't know when it will happen since this is in Mr. C's domain and so far it is not very high on the priority list. But here I am helping out at the office so he can get a break and I am taking advantage of the opportunity to get online. If I had known I would be here I would have brought the digital cameras to download pictures of the new house.

It is still pretty empty, as the move is happening slowly. Gracie and the cats seem happy with their new home. There is plenty of room to run around and an abundance of hiding places.

We have been welcomed to the neighborhood--something that has never happened to us before. Yesterday when I opened the front door to take Gracie out for a walk I found a package containing a plate of cinnamon rolls and a note from one of our new neighbors. Soon I will summon up the courage to make my way over to their house to say thank you. Later in the day the phone rang and to my surprise it was the woman we bought the home from. Mothership ran into her a few days ago and mentioned that it was her son and daughter-in-law that were the new owners of her home and she gave her my number. She phoned to introduce herself and to ask if she could stop by to say hello. A little while later she and her husband came by with a basket filled with goodies for us. To my relief Gracie didn't maul them with kisses while we visited. They are a lovely couple who are originally from Brazil and they have five children. I knew they had children, but had no idea that there were five. The house is so quiet right now that it is hard to imagine so many people filling it with activity and noise. They are still in the neighborhood but built a larger home a couple of blocks away. It was very clear to me how much they loved the home and how many good memories it holds for them.

I was very impressed by the fact that I made it through the entire process of looking for a home and all of the home-buying experience without getting anxious. Then Saturday morning it snuck up on me. Hmmm...what is that clenched, acidic feeling in my solar plexus? It was still with me yesterday, like a gnawing in the back of my brain, all-the-while my insides were churning. At first the rational part of my mind tried to sort it all out. This can be a big problem. A person who has never struggled with anxiety might not understand this, but it is the thoughts that can be the true undoing.

Well, I have to run before I can really finish where I was. I will just say that overall I am doing OK. I will try to write again before too long.

not long now

2008-01-31T11:08:00.000-08:00

It has been so difficult to get onto a computer lately, and when I do it isn't the one I love (I've become, over the years, a mac snob...but I won't get into that now) and I can't spend much time on it.

We signed the papers yesterday, today we are supposed to get the key.

Tomorrow is February first.

I am wondering if anyone, even Mr. C, remembers. And maybe it is childish of me, but I have not brought it up to them.

I do have plans for how I want to spend the day, though, so if anyone asks anything of me tomorrow I will kindly tell them that I am busy.

hurry up...and wait

2008-01-22T23:44:00.000-08:00

This is how I have been feeling lately.

Because we are new to the business, and because it is a family business, there have been some hoops to jump through with the financing. We were pre-approved before we even started the house-hunt, but the underwriters want more information. And our accountant has stalled our progress more than once because he didn't adequately provide them with what they were asking for.

Ugh.

So we wait.

green lights

2008-01-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

We heard back from our real estate agent and the sellers have agreed to fix the things that need fixing. He gave us the green light to contact the woman we are working with at the bank to move forward with all of the financial stuff. I have no idea what sort of timeline we are looking at until we are officially the new owners of the house. I will post when we are, and take pictures as soon as I can. I am really looking forward to getting in there and adding our personal touches to it. My sister offered to come and help paint and I plan to take her up on her offer.

The other green light came via the telephone as well. I am now officially insured.
I need to make an appointment for a consultation with the Peri who has been recommended...why am I so reluctant to do this?

The snow melted away and the roads are safe and dry again.

uprooted again

2008-01-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

Hopefully our current state of "homelessness" is temporary.

We are still waiting for the response to the inspection to be responded back to us. Things went a little more slowly than I believe is usual, primarily because the Seller's agent had to have a stay in the hospital to have minor surgery on his heart. (I'm not really sure that any heart surgery should be considered to be minor, but that is how it was described.) At any rate, we haven't closed on the house yet.

But I have been so busy that it is fairly easy to distract myself (most of the time).

We opened our new Adult Family Home Monday and since then have admitted four residents. Our maximum capacity is six, but we will wait a bit before adding two more. It has been a whirl of activity over there.

And it has been snowing. It is beautiful and I don't have any aversion to the snow, but Mr. C is being cautious and since my little car doesn't have snow tires he has asked me not to drive in it. Relying on others to get you from point A to point B sucks.

I'm not sure how much I'll be able to post in the days ahead, but I will try. Reading and commenting on blogs will be limited as well. I am thinking about you all, though:)

a look back

2008-01-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

Something similar to what Kristin wrote about recently in a post titled
balance occurred between me and Mr. C on New Year's Eve. I didn't say anything negative about the year we were saying good bye to, but he raved about how wonderful it was. At first I thought, "was he living the same life as I was?" But then as I listened to him review the year I realized that he was right. 2007 did bring us lots and lots of good. Much of it was painful in the getting there, but we got there.

I've seen other bloggers do this sort of look back on the year that has just passed and I wondered what it might reveal to me if I did the same. I tried to find the post from the first of each month, although there were a few times when I had to select the post from the date closest to the first of each month.

MONDAY, JANUARY 1, 2007
And a Happy New Year!
"It is now 2007 and I am so happy that 2006 is history."

This speaks for itself.
__________
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2007
flowers for our William
"We took it easy today and did things at a pretty slow pace, so our trip to the cemetery was later than we had originally planned."

This was the one-year anniversary of William's birth/death.
__________
THURSDAY, MARCH 1, 2007
the last link
"The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen." -Frank Loyd Wright

We had intended to begin TTC in February, but the plan changed. I had created a chain with links for each day in my cycle. Each link contained a quote that I had selected.
__________
FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2007
such good news!
"Happy, happy, happiest of news today!   My friend and her baby girl are doing well!"

Mrs. MacGyver over at Pyjama Mummy gave birth to her Li'l Miss. I knew she had gone into labor but it took a few days to hear from her and I was elated to know that all was well.
__________
WEDNESDAY, MAY 2, 2007
pathetic me
"I'm trying not to get worked-up over this, and really am a bit embarrassed that I am even posting about it, but my cycle is wack."

Even though we weren't TTC I was paying attention to (obsessing about) my cycles since in the past they have been irregular (and, of course, every little oddity seemed like a sure sign that something was terribly wrong).
__________
FRIDAY, JUNE 1, 2007
totally frivolous things
"Quite a while back (really I am not sure how long ago, so it was long enough for me to forget, which must indicate a significant amount of time) I got lost in blog things."

Sometimes frivolous things are nice.
__________
SUNDAY, JULY 1, 2007
our little buddy
"It seems that there has been a change of heart here."

The raccoon, who Mr. C had initially responded to with great distain, somehow won herself into his heart. He later named her Linda and she and her babies visited regularly until we moved away.
__________
TUESDAY, JULY 31, 2007
never a dull moment
"Well I am back from Chicago."

This post described the events of my birthday, trip to Chicago, and the destruction of BOTH of our vehicles while I was away. Looking back I see the time surrounding my birthday and this trip as a turning-point for us. I sensed it at the time, but there was no way I could have written that then. Oh, and if you have never shot a gun, it is really fun. Something I suggest trying at least once.
__________
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2007
fucked-up
"....really, just too many drinks to count."

Ah...this was the night of the bachelorette party. I had fun.
_________
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2007
finally making some time to write
"The days are beginning to blur into each other."

My writing had fallen off significantly as we prepared to move--there literally was no time to write.
__________
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2007
Our Gracie
"look what found us at the B.est W.estern two weekends ago!"
 
We still marvel at how this dog that is so perfect for us just walked (bounded) into our lives. We are so lucky.
__________
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2007
the countdown starts
"I picked up my last month of prescriptions at the pharmacy yesterday."

It took a lot of courage to write this post. That magical thinking is some powerful stuff, and it is scary to openly express my hope for the future.
__________

Going back through my blog to find these posts brought back many memories. I was struck by how much pain I was in--how I buried myself in my work and felt so frequently the overwhelming desire to push pause on life and disengage. I was also struck by how, in times when I honestly didn't feel like there was anyone I could turn to, I was able to write and receive amazing support.

I want to say thank you to those of you out there who took the time to comment. Sometimes your words made me feel better and sometimes they offered some practical advice or a much-needed fresh perspective, but they always made me feel a sense of connection.

And I want to say thank you to all of you for writing your blogs. Through your writing and sharing I have found hope, inspiration, humor, and encouragement. I have such a deep admiration for all of you--for the unique beauty that each of you possess and for the love, compassion, and kindness that you show to each other.

something to see...before it's too late

2008-01-05T13:59:00.000-08:00

The visual blog I have in my links is a project that two women who live across the country from each other have spent the last year working on. It is a visual record of "a year of mornings." I have enjoyed seeing the beautiful and often poignant compositions, the juxtaposition of the two photographs (which complement each other sometimes in their contrast, sometimes in their similarity, always in their spirit), and the narrative quality of the work as a whole--it truly tells the story of a year in the lives of these creative women.

The project is now complete and the women are planning to move on now to a "year of evenings," which I am looking forward to watching develop.

I'm not sure how long the current project will stay up, so go and take a look before it's gone. Seriously, go look at it.

The inspection was today...

2008-01-03T21:35:00.000-08:00

...and it went great. Now we're just waiting on the disclosure paperwork from the seller. Maybe it is because of everything that we've been through over the years, but I don't feel like I can really celebrate this yet.

But it hasn't stopped me from diving head-first into furniture shopping. Since I've barely left the house in almost a week, so far my shopping has been online. But this afternoon I ventured out among the living into stores and looked at things in 3D. It was fun.

The description of my cymbalta withdrawal

2008-01-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

I didn't set out to write this post, but after I got started writing I realized that I needed to get this out and that it might actually be informative to someone out there. That is why I have used the actual name of the drug. There is very little information available about what it is like to come off of Cymbalta (believe me, I looked).

The terrible sinus cold masked the withdrawal symptoms for the first day or so, but by Monday oh.my.gawd was I ever a mess. I feel like I am just barely starting to climb out of the hell-hole, but I thought that yesterday morning, too, and it wasn't a very marked improvement over the day before.

I don't want to dwell on it, since it is what it is and it will be over some time in the (hopefully near) future. But here is my best attempt to describe what this is like:

Early on it felt like my brain was floating somewhere about a foot above my head. I had the feeling of being on a boat, very off-balance and floating-feeling. I was overwhelmingly tired. You can see how this was not altogether odd when I was also experiencing a sinus cold.

By the second day the symptoms above were even more intense but now I also had extreme pressure in my head (in the sinus area but also at the top or crown of my head) as well as nausea and dizziness. Mothership called in a prescription for a z-pac (antibiotic, since, um...yucky green stuff) and some heavy duty nasal spray that really works (Mucinex, which is OTC).

On the third day I had to drive over to the real estate agent's office in the morning and that is when I realized that what I was experiencing was not just due to the sinus cold. Driving was awful. I had to wear my sunglasses like some drugged-out rock star. By the time I got where I was going I was in a cold sweat and the world was spinning. I ended up sleeping for 5 hours afterward and Mr. C didn't let me drive myself home.

Day four consisted primarily of sleeping. As long as I was laying down and still things were OK, but any time I moved it felt like my brain was rocking up, down, side-to-side...terrible nausea. I finally took a Dramamine and it helped. I was reluctant to do this since it makes me so sleepy. That was just silly of me, though, since sleeping was all I was good for.

So yesterday was day five and, as I wrote at the start of this post, I thought I might be feeling better. In retrospect I guess I was feeling better than the days before, but still so bad that it doesn't seem right to describe it using the word better. At any rate, I finally felt like my brain was inside of my head. I suppose that description sounds odd, but it really is the best way for me to explain it. While it is wonderful to feel like my brain is no longer detached from my skull and being flailed about, I'm not sure that the new sensation can be described as an improvement. It felt like my brain was jumping around inside of my skull. If I was still and quiet and everything around me was still and quiet, then things were OK. Oh, but life isn't still and quiet. Light and sound and movement were intensified and all made my brain jump. I continued to take Dramamine for the nausea.

And here I am on day six. Let's hope today is much better. So far I feel pretty good, but I am sitting still and the curtains are drawn. I will update.

The following information might be relevant to some people:
>I was on the lowest dose, 20 mg, for six months. Because of this, I guess you could say I went off of Cymbalta "cold turkey" since there was no way to taper down from this low dose. Anyone taking a higher dose should taper down gradually. It is important to note that I consulted with my Doctor well before going off of the drug and we both decided that it was a good idea and we talked about how I would do it. If you are reading this and you are taking any medications absolutely talk to your doctor before changing your dose or discontinuing. Someone very close to me has had to take prescription meds for years and once ended up unable to leave the house for months (stopped taking meds without consulting doctor) and another time had to be admitted to the hospital (doctors messed up and bad medication interactions caused extreme symptoms).
>Cymbalta is still a pretty new drug and there is little research on how it impacts people long-term. It worked well for me and I don't regret taking it. I made a very thoughtful choice to go on it in the first place and weighed the costs and benefits. While this withdrawal sucks, it is a cost I feel is balanced by the benefit it gave me. I'm not sure I wrote enough to really give a good impression of how bad things were for me before I went on it, but they were bad. My MIL (Mothership) looked Cymbalta up in her handy-doctor's-database-thing and it has a 12 hour half-life. Apparently the shorter the half-life of a med, the longer it takes to get it out of your system. That helps to explain why it can take a while for the withdrawal symptoms to subside.
>The drug gets stored in your fat cells. Some helpful things to cleanse your system and/or help you feel better (I've been doing them, even though I haven't been feeling better yet, because I believe they are helping and will continue to help...besides, they are healthy regardless)
*Drink lots of fluids/water
*Take Essential Fatty Acids--Omega Oils
*A good multivitamin with all of the B complex
*B 12
*minimum of 1000 mg of vitamin C each day, more if you can tolerate it
>Meditation is amazing. I do it every morning. I started doing it around the same time that I started seeing my therapist and going on the Cymbalta. It was difficult for me to do when I was that filled with anxiety, but I stuck with it. To anyone who thinks they might be interested but isn't sure where to start I recommend looking into the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn regarding Mindfulness. If you are on medication and are planning to go off of it at some point, I believe that a meditation practice can be very helpful but recommend establishing a regular practice a minimum of 8 weeks prior.
>Exercise would be good, too, although I haven't been up for any yet. I would caution that if done too intensely it could possibly make a person's symptoms worse, since exercise causes your body to release toxins. Here's where lots of water, steam baths, and a whole foods diet would be very beneficial.
__________________________
Update, day six:
Just after I finished posting this morning I got a phone call from our RN asking if she could send a couple over to tour the Home. Since I already had two other families scheduled for today this seemed fine. But they were operating under a time-crunch and needed to come, uh, now. The house is very tidy and clean almost all of the time. After several days of spending most of my time horizontal there was plenty of tidying to do, though. I told her to send them in a half hour and then I was a whirl of action. I managed to get the house ready and get dressed in something presentable before they even showed up. I'm usually very good at the interpersonal communication, I'm a people person and good with the talking and all of that. I was far from being at the top of my game, but I did OK. I gave three tours and drove over to the house while the inspection was happening in between tour 2 and 3.

My symptoms today: Still off-balance and slightly dizzy, pretty much constantly. I didn't take any Dramamine because I had to interact with people and I also needed to be able to drive. My brain doesn't feel as much like it is jumping around in my skull as it feels like it is vibrating. I'm still sensitive to light, sound, and movement but it is getting to be less jarring. Today was definitely an improvement. Yay.
___________________________
Update, day seven:
Today I am confident to say that I am feeling considerably better than I have been. The cold is still hanging on, so that is a drag on top of everything else. My brain feels less like it is vibrating, now it is mostly noticeable when there are loud noises, bright lights, or sudden movements. I guess you could compare the way I feel right now with a bad hangover. My sense of smell is heightened and it can bring on nausea and I feel slightly dizzy most of the time. I did sleep late this morning, but didn't sleep at all during the day today (or yesterday).
___________________________
Update, day eight:
I felt almost like a normal person today. The most notable thing that happened is that I had a bit of an emotional meltdown which was caused by the realization that I was having a difficult time grasping a fairly simple concept. Mr. C was trying to explain something to me and he had to repeat himself several times before I got it. He was patient and kind and really didn't think it was that big of a deal that I was having trouble understanding him. But I just started bawling when I realized that my mind just wasn't working quite right. In the midst of my crying I said something to him about how I was finally feeling like myself again, with virtually no symptoms of the withdrawal. His response was "Um, do you mean no symptoms besides extreme emotional reactions?" This made me laugh. Crying jag notwithstanding, it sure was great to have a day without nausea, dizziness, and brain vibrations--just a little bit of the feeling of being on a boat that happened later in the evening.

OK so I thought it was funny anyway

2008-01-01T06:46:00.000-08:00

This is a bit obscene and I hope I don't offend anyone but I just have to get this down. I will try to keep it as clean as possible.

Mr. C and I were talking about how it is almost time to start trying to get me knocked-up again. When we got pregnant with William we simply did what needs to be done every day for like two weeks from about day 6 to day 20. I had been on the pill for many years and prior to that had irregular cycles, so I had no idea when I might ovulate. Those were the days when I had no knowledge of things like OPKs or EWCM...such an innocent I was. At any rate, doing it every day worked but we were both exhausted.

Anyway, so I actually used the word "trying" and he said something about how he doesn't want to feel like we are trying and then extrapolated on all of the, um, fun things that we might do...

And at some point I stopped him and said something about how you can't make a baby doing many of the things he mentioned. Because, for example, you can't make a Butt-Baby.

And without skipping a beat he responds with "Then how do you explain Karl Rove?"

Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T17:47:00.000-08:00

Well, it almost felt like it was too much to hope for. As we signed the papers for our counter to their counter-offer Mr. C said something to me about what a nice way this would be to say hello to the New Year.

It turns out that it wasn't too much to hope for.
WE GOT THE HOUSE!

(please, please, please let the inspection go well)

My offer to you: free stuff

2007-12-30T17:21:00.000-08:00

A while back I responded to Niobe's post titled "free stuff redux" about a meme she found on Rhymes with Javelin's site where you get and give away free handmade stuff. Niobe was kind enough to offer to send me a print of one of her beautiful photos, so now I am finally getting my act together and offering some free stuff to the first three people to comment and actually ask for it. Your only obligation is to then post the same offer on your site.

If you think that you can't participate, I encourage you to think again. I believe everyone has something to offer when it comes to creativity and most often we undervalue our own efforts.

Here is what I will create for those that are willing to play along: I will paint you a painting.

My interests in art span a wide variety of media and genre, from realistic oil paintings to mixed-media collage and art books and a bazillion points in between. I tend to work on pieces for a very long time, fussing over them and very rarely feeling that a piece is truly finished. Perhaps that will change once we are settled here and I have some more time on my hands. For now, though, I know that I can start and finish abstract pieces that focus primarily on color, texture and shape.

So if you are responding to this offer here is the information I will need from you:

>Approximate size and format. For example, 8" (wide) by 10" (high). This is to give me an idea of whether you want something smaller or larger, vertically or horizontally oriented (or square), etc.

>Color scheme you prefer. Don't worry about using technical art terms here, just let me know what kinds of colors you like. Please let me know if you prefer bright/intense colors versus more earthy colors, though, as "red" can look like the color on a stop sign as well as the color of a Japanese Maple in the fall.

>Motif/shape/concept I should focus on. This can be as basic as one shape, like a circle, or a more complex idea or theme. But I do need something to give me direction.

>If you would like text/a quote included and if you have something specific in mind.

>I will need an address from you as well, which you can e-mail to me.

the counter offers

2007-12-30T17:00:00.000-08:00

I woke up today feeling even worse than I did last night. My cold is getting nastier and when I try to walk it feels like my brain is floating four inches above my head.

And we heard back from the sellers this afternoon and their counter was pretty harsh. So I've moved from peaceful detachment to feeling anxious. It's hard to know how I would be feeling about it if it weren't for this awful cold and the withdrawals from the anxiety medication. At any rate, we should hear back from them by this time tomorrow. Maybe we'll hear from them sooner.

the offer is in

2007-12-29T21:48:00.000-08:00

We went out to take some second-looks today and decided that we found the house for us. Now we wait to hear back from the sellers.

My head is feeling even more like it is about to explode today, but not because I am stressed about buying the home. Of course I am excited about it and am imagining all of the ways that we will furnish it and decorate, but I am also calm about the whole thing. If it doesn't work out then we will find something that does. I simply have what is shaping up to be a terrible sinus cold. Oh, and yesterday I took my last anxiety pill so that probably isn't helping anything. On the other hand, having a bad cold might be a very good way to mask the withdrawal symptoms from the anxiety medication. When things were really bad with my anxiety this summer, right before I went on the medication, I wasn't able to eat much for a few weeks. Once I was feeling better I realized that I was over my caffeine addiction. Always look at the bright side:)

The other day when I made the label my head felt like it was going to explode because I was so busy/tired.

I almost posted 10 days ago to say that I was breathing a huge sigh of relief. Finally, the day that had been looming pretty much since we moved here in October had come and gone with the best possible outcome. The Adult Family Home Licensor came for our inspection and after an extremely thorough three hours, she told us that she liked what she saw. The rules and regulations that must be followed for every aspect of running one of these homes literally fills a large book, which is revised by the state legislature every year, so this is no mean feat. And it is not uncommon to have to repeat the initial inspection before the license is granted. Fortunately we were given the green light to move forward. The feeling of relief was intense, but not followed by any down-time to savor it because Christmas was only a few days away and none of us had been able to do any preparation for it.

Shopping for gifts and whatnot was a lot of fun-- being out among the last-minute-shopping chaos wasn't as bad as I had anticipated--and on Christmas Eve I spent pretty much the whole day in the kitchen. Being able to do that was wonderful, as I've been eating on the run most of the time lately. On Christmas day I didn't even get out of my jam jams and I was in heaven, an entire day of puttering around and doing nothing. But every day since then has been action, action, action as we have been house-hunting and I have been touring families of prospective residents through this Home.

We are moving out of here next week and soon this place will be full of residents and staff. We will be staying with Mothership and Pops until we are able to move into our new home. If all moves forward with the house we are hoping for then we will be living in it by the end of January at the latest.

While we have been extremely busy since we got here it has been the best kind of busy. I love it here and I love what we are doing. Besides loving the work with the residents and all of the other people that I come in contact with, I love that we are calling the shots here. We work long hours because it is what we want to be doing and we know what needs to be done. At the same time, we can sleep-in when we don't have meetings or appointments early, or we can take lunch when we want to. And whenever I start to get tired when I am out and about running errands and such the voice of my sister Lara comes into my head saying "Your job includes shopping, decorating, and visiting with people--you are so lucky." She has never actually said that to me, but she definitely would if I complained of being tired.

And before I stop writing, a little bit about the house we are hoping to buy...

It is move-in ready and has everything from our "must have" list and many of the items from our "would love to have" list. This is a relief to me since I have completely painted and decorated both this Home and the new office for the business. The office ended up being far more work than I had initially anticipated because there were so many surfaces to refinish (wood paneling, bare sheet rock, cinder block, and this awful paneling in the bathroom). The idea that we can move in and I can do things as I feel like it or am up to it, rather than needing to do it in order to make the home livable, is quite attractive to me right now.

We should know by tomorrow where things stand.

thanks niobe

2007-12-27T12:20:00.001-08:00

Um...I really don't have the mental power right now to figure out how to make this bigger (other than by clicking on it, as it will open up to another window much larger). My tech. support guy is at the office right now, otherwise I would ask for his help (and he would, undoubtedly, make fun of me for it).

look what I just found in my inbox

2007-12-27T12:06:00.000-08:00

This is my sister Lara and her husband Matthew and their dog Enzo. She said she sent this to me because she thought it would make me laugh.